Author Archives: Steffani Cameron

The Man's Guide to Cunnilingus Pt. 2

I’m assuming you’ve read part one of this? As a preamble to part two, I’d like to get you to read the scene found below from the show Friends. The point is pretty basic: Almost every chick has had the experience where a guy just has no clue how many erogenous zones we have — hell, even the back of the knees and the fold between where the ass and thigh meet can drive some chicks wild.
In short, fairly common hot zones? Nape of neck, earlobes, ears as a whole, tops of shoulders, breasts (all over), nipples, anywhere on the groin, the clit, the labia, the g-spot, the perineum, the mons, the fingers, the toes, the inner thighs, and for some chicks, the list goes on: the back of the neck, down the spine, the ass (the cheeks and everything in between), the torso, the belly button…
Guys can get bitter that chicks are as “sensitive” as they are… (Albeit, they generally mean emotionally.) Well, it applies physically, too, and that can really play to your sexual advantage, especially if you connect the dots as well as Monica does in that scene below.
Men need to realize that everything from lightly twisting the public hair to gnawing on the mons can drive a woman wild when it comes to orally pleasing a chick.
(If you’re furrowing your brows, “Mons?” Then here’s a helpful diagram you can refer to.)
Let’s face it, when it comes to oral, there aren’t a whole lot of different things you need to master. It all comes down to pacing and variety. It comes down to watching your lover, feeling their reaction, understanding those shudders, gasps, moans, and twitches. This is true of oral regardless of whether it’s straight or gay, on a man or a woman. Knowledge, responding to the physical evidence, attention to detail, and variety of methodology/pace are all things you need to bring to the table.
Sex — oral or penetrative — is like driving a standard transmission. Every little thing you do is going to provoke a reaction. It can go so well or so bad, all depending on you mastering those gears, knowing when to gear up, gear down, or when to just ride it out.
That said, there are areas that will provoke greater reactions, and that always, always, always includes the clit.
I don’t know if there’s an area on the man’s body that reacts with the same intensity as a woman’s clit. If there was, it’d probably be the frenulum, that sensitive bit just under the nib of the cock’s tip, which has always been a favourite plaything of mine during fellatio.
But for us girls, the clit is your ticket to orgasmic fame. So don’t even fucking think of starting things there. The clit’s where you go when you want to take her higher, push her to the edge of it all. It’s not an appetizer. It’s not the starter.
The starter is the inner thighs. Chew them, suck them. Trace a finger up and down her cunt as you do. She’s wet now, and ready for something more, anything more, and you know it. But just to be sure, lick your fingers first. Get ‘em good and moist.
Slip a finger in, and thrust it gently in and out a few times, still nibbling on those inner thighs. Slip a second finger in, thrust one or two times, then rotate your fingers completely around in one direction and back again, and again… like you’re using your fingers to wash the inside of a small-mouthed bottle or a dirty shot glass, slowly pulling out and pushing in as you rotate.

eating out

Your other hand can be scooped under her ass during this, clutching it, or maybe draped over her torso and fonding a breast. You’re still chewing her inner thigh, but now you move up to the crease of skin between where her leg ends and vagina begins. Start to lick a little, sucking a bit as you do. Slide your wet fingers out and pry her leg back and open for greater access to her goods. Delve your tongue into her.

In case you never got the memo, it’s important to know that while most chicks do love a good, hard fuck, because the animality of it’s the arouser, the reality is that most sensation we feel is when a guy does only shallow, quick thrusts with his dick. The reason for this is that our vulvic walls swell just inside the entrance of our cunt, and it’s the shallow thrusting against these swollen walls that stimulates us the most. When you’re deep inside us, it’s the same breadth and friction all the time, with little variety of sensation — unless you’re hung like Ron Jeremy or something (which does NOT appeal to the average chick).
This is why oral is so goddamned effective — you’re getting us where we most want to be gotten — in the shallows.

Start off just thrusting and flicking with your tongue… deep and hard is always thoroughly good. Try to use the full range of motion with your tongue — all the way up and down. But you should try to acquire the skill of making your tongue as wide as you can. If this means losing length, then so be it. You can vary the exploratory tonguing between both the wide and long approach.
I’m sure it’s a little trickier to manage, but if you can slip a finger in her while you’re doing the tonguing, it can be a really, really arousing sensation. Your thumb is probably the most manageable digit to use for this approach, and that’s just fine.
But what about speed, you ask? There’s a lot to be said for slow and thorough, and there’s also great things to be said about fast and aggressive. I favour a little bit of each, but some nights beckon for all of one or the other. It’s really something that’s going to depend on how she’s reacting and what the mood of your evening has been, and what she needs.

A word to the girls… it can be a real turn-on for men if they know you’re not lying there with your head back and your eyes closed. Watch them, scrutinize them, communicate with your eyes just how good you’re going to fuck them when they’re through. This can heighten your arousal — and theirs — as you watch them gnawing on you. Keep some candles or a light on so they can peer up at you as they’re devouring you. Eye contact is always arousing in oral.

As you continue working her over, you can use both hands to pull her thighs apart, pulling the fleshiness out of the way so you can orally enter her as deep as you can. (Girls, you realize you have a standing invitation to help your man out by doing this for him, too, right? And it’ll often get him rock hard if you do participate. Nothing like a helpful girl to get a man off.)
But don’t do these moves all at once. Remember the Friends’ scene. You want to take breaks, often traipsing up to the mons to chew or lick, and moving occasionally up to her breasts and neck, still devouring her as you go. Smother her with your body, flick your cock head up and down her wet cunt, pressing it hard against her clit, letting it twitch a little if you can, teasing her as you suck and nibble her breasts or neck. Kiss her hard and deep, then soft and slow. Fondle her breasts. As you’re teasing her with your cock, lower it off the clit, flexing it up and down against her as you drop a hand down between you and softly, gently toy with her clit.

A word about the clit. Make sure that when you’re fingering her clit that you’re applying the soft pads of your finger. You have no idea how sensitive to touch the clit can be, and too much nail or bony fingertip can quickly undo all the work you’ve done to this point.

If you’re in touch with your inner bastard, feel free to slip your cock into her for one, two, or three good thrusts, but then pull out and deny her more of the same.
Always leave ’em wanting. That’s my motto. And also my cue.
The cliterature will continue with the next installment, PART THREE, here!

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The Sex Tips Scene from "Friends"

When this scene originally aired nearly a decade ago, I howled with laughter. I thought it was as true then as it is now, that guys fail to realize just how goddamned much of our bodies can be tagged as erogenous zones. This was from early in the fourth season. I think it’s relevant to this topic of cunnilingus.
My point for posting this, actually, is so guys get it into their heads that what we want is for you to wander our various erogenous zones like a gypsy with vertigo. Don’t set up camp, as Monica says. Have no fixed address, and have a variety of rhythms, like a jazz session gone awry.
Part two of the Man’s Guide is in progress. Hang tight.
SCENE:
Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are in the girls’ living room as the topic comes up of Chandler having fucked a woman that previously had slept with Joey.
MONICA: [to Chandler] So, did you do it?
CHANDLER: [dejectedly] Yes, yes, we had the sex.
MONICA: Uh-oh, was it bad?
CHANDLER: It was fine, you know, but she didn’t agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, uh, “Oh, I see your point. I’m all right with it.”
MONICA: Well, it was the first time. You know, there’s not always a lot of agreement on the first time.
RACHEL: Yeah, not for girls anyway. Guys agree… [snaps her fingers] …like that.
CHANDLER: Look, you have to help me, okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman. I know where everything goes. It’s always…”nice.” But I need to know what makes it go from “nice” to “My God, somebody’s killing her in there!”
MONICA: All right, I’m going to show you something a lot of guys don’t know. Rach, hand me that pad over there.
[Rach gets a pad and pen off the table and hands it to Monica.]
MONICA: All right. Now… [starts to draw]
CHANDLER: You don’t have to draw an actual wo– [looks at Monica’s drawing] Woah, she’s hot!
MONICA: Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got… [starts labelling her diagram] …one, two, three…
[Chandler nods impatiently]
MONICA: Four… [now Chandler looks up, surprised] …five, six, and seven.
CHANDLER: [shocked] There are seven?
RACHEL: Let me see that. [looks at the drawing] Oh, yeah.
CHANDLER: [points to diagram] That’s one?
MONICA [chuckling]: Kind of an important one.
CHANDLER: Oh, you know what? I was looking at it upside down.
RACHEL: Well, you know, sometimes that helps.
MONICA: Okay, now, most guys will hit one, two, and three, and then go to seven and set up camp.
CHANDLER: And that’s bad?
RACHEL: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don’t spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
CHANDLER: Well, you might, if it were anything like seven.
MONICA: All right, uh the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. You got to keep them on their toes.
RACHEL: Oh, TOES!!
[She jubilantly raises her hands in air. They both look at her.]

RACHEL [slightly abashed]: Yeah, for some people.
MONICA: Okay, you could, uh, start with a little one… a two… a one, two, three… a three… a five… a four, a three-two… a two, a two-four-six…
[Monica starts to get into it ]
MONICA: Two-four-six… four…
[Rachel kind of moves back and stretches out]

MONICA: A two…
[Monica now has her eyes closed and is getting visibly excited]

MONICA: Two… four-seven… five-seven…
[Chandler looks away from both of them as if he can’t believe what’s happening]
MONICA: Six-seven; seven, seven, [faster] SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-[Chandler looks at her in disbelief] SEVEN-SEVEN!
[Monica, eyes still closed, leans back and shudders and says silently, while holding up seven fingers, “seven”.]

The Man's Guide to Cunnilingus: Pt. 1

I had an anonymous request to do a companion guide for my “Good Girl’s Guide to Giving Great Head,” so here we go.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Oral sex is best when it’s a long, dedicated endeavour. If you want a quickie, then fuck and be done with it. If you want oral like it should be done, then take the scenic route.
Remember what I say: The devil may be in the details, but so too is the orgasm.
But it’s a two-way street. Chicks, if you want your man to really take his time, then the muffro’s got to go, baby.
Muffro? Self-explanatory, isn’t it? A little term I’ve come up with for the bushy, unshaven twat kept by a segment of women out there. Sure, there are guys who don’t floss enough and might benefit from it, but really… Muffro’s just gotta go.
If your chick does need shaving, but it’s something she does do herself most of the time, don’t be afraid to offer to help. Break out the electric shaver and ask if she’s open to having you do a little gardening for her. Trim that bush. (A tip? Obviously you’re removing hair — do yourself a favour and place a pillowcase or towel underneath her midsection before you go to work. When done, just wipe away the lingering hairs between her legs and crumple the towel and toss it aside. Now you’re ready to proceed.)
Remember that “two-way street?” There are hygiene issues for men, too. Make sure your nails are short and filed to a nice, smooth edge. You can’t possibly imagine how tender areas of the vagina can be, and those nails are a huge issue for some of us. I’ve given a man a manicure to prevent pain later. Don’t be afraid to offer such services to your man, chicks.
I had one reader mention how he and his lover (also a man) often use rubber gloves when exploring the more sensitive regions of their bodies. I can see how this would work, but it’s the quick’n’easy cure to an otherwise easily remedied problem via the above-mentioned manicure servicing. Rubber gloves, for me, are far too fucking clinical for what should be a passionate experience. It’s bad enough we have to wear condoms (not a negotiable item in any casual experience, period) but to increase the amount of clinical latex in the experience? I say no.
Fact is, sex is usually about skin-on-skin contact. Don’t be a lazy guy. Take care of your hands. Make sure you use hand cream from time to time, and make sure those nails are of insertion-level standards.
And what about beards and facial hair? A closely-trimmed goatee can be exciting for me. I sorta dig that. I also love it when a guy’s got two- or three-day stubble. It gets me, personally, really hot. The downside? It’s a little abrasive and I can’t take as much oral as I might otherwise receive. (But there’s a lot to be said for that aggressive, quicker experience on selective occasions. God, is there.)
A clean-shaven face is the safest way to go. Soulpatches can also be a total turn-on. Conversely, not mustaches so much. Because of the way the mouth and lips move, the soulpatch can stimulate all the right areas, but not overly so, since there’s so little hair to worry about.
Another issue not often brought up can be that of chipped teeth. Many chicks can attest to the great sensation of having their clit nibbled. Chipped teeth, though, can make this an unpleasant experience with that rough edge messing up what might have been a really hot experience.
If you’re new to the act of nibbling clits, I’ll say the same thing to you as I’d tell any chick teething a guy’s cock. Not every chick will enjoy this. Inquire as to whether it’s turning her on. If so, then have at ‘er. If not, then sucking will have to do.
Now, let’s move on. Should she be seated, lying down, or on your face?
A lot of guys have this fetishistic love for chicks sitting atop their faces as they eat her out. All right, I can understand it, but let’s face it: It can be murder on a chick’s thighs to stay there too, too long, and it takes a hell of a lot more concentration on her part. It’s often more for you than for her, since lying down allows her to just give in to the sensation. If driving her wild’s your destination, then keep that in mind.
If you want to do all-out, intensive exploration, let the woman lie down. Let it be all about her. The reality is that you don’t have to be in that same boring position with your head perpendicular between her legs. You can vary the geographic approach a little, even if you are horizontal, and I’ll get to that later.
First of all, though, an important thing guys need to realize is that there’s a reason it’s called “oral sex:” Because it needs foreplay, too.
Don’t just undo her pants and sic yourself on her. If you want a night where you drive her wild, I recommend the massage-to-oral transition for guys, as well. (I referred to that technique in the Girl’s Guide, too.)
If you don’t know, there are flavoured/edible oils out there that really make massage a delicious way to arouse and relax your partner simultaneously. The folks at Kama Sutra (the brand name, not the centuries old guide to the art of Tantra) make a number of sumptuous oils, like Cinnamon Spice, Raspberry Kiss, Ambrosia, Cherry Almond, and a couple more.
(Kama Sutra also has a nifty 5-oil sampler pack so you can have a smorgasboard of tasty experiences. Here’s just one of many retailers selling it online, just so you can see what I mean. These prices are very good. Kama Sutra products are awesome. Something that can do wonders for the yummy-factor of your skin, for either sex, is dusting with their Honey Dust before you meet your lover for the night. It leaves your skin tasting sweet like honey, particularly after you start getting a little hot and bothered. Very erotic and really helps bring out the carnivore in a lover.)
If the notion of giving a “good” massage leaves you with a little stage fright, then how about some pointers?
If she’s already willing to be naked, then get that out of the way. We’re picking up there: She’s naked, stretched out on the bed. An auspicious start, yes?
You can either be at her side or seated atop her bottom. The latter gives you better leverage and a more useful angle to do your work from. Plus, it feels good for both of you and always heightens the arousal aspect ever so slightly. Always my favourite position for a well-applied massage.
Now, a good massage always starts around the neck. Slow kneading of her shoulder-top muscles is a great way to instantly help her relax into the moment. An important issue to point out that’s more relevant to male-on-female massage is that of intensity. A lot of women are more sensitive to deep-tissue work — and not in a good way. Don’t just assume your pressure is good. Ask her. Don’t ask, “Do you like this?” but rather, ask “Is this too hard?” If she says “yes,” then find your way to what works for her. Don’t take it personally and don’t question her tastes. Do what she likes.This goes both ways.
Back to the gameplan. You’re kneading her neck the way she likes. Don’t forget to dote on that area at the top of her neck, where the skull meets the spine. This is the area that most contributes to relaxation. Spend a moment of two there, and then move on south. Don’t forget to throw the occasional neck nibble into the mix.
Dabble on the shoulders, and work your way down her spine, with the heel of your hand in the center on either side of the spine, and fingers stretched out. Just work it, occasionally skimming the surface lightly, like a soft breath, so she continues relaxing and falls into that lucid, sedate state. Don’t worry… you’re going to make her grow alert.
Now, towards the end of the back massage, as your hands slide down her back, follow your progress with your mouth. You can nibble and bite your way down, right down onto her ass, using a hand to massage her inner thighs, staying on the outer ridges of the vagina at the very least. You’re not going there yet.
The basic point, massage or no, is to work over her body before you work over her twat. Get her riled and excited before you enter her with your tongue or fingers. There’s something really great about getting the whole body relaxed before you tense her up with all that teasing and taunting of bringing her to the edge and retreating again.
With the back tended to, have her roll over, if she hasn’t already. You can mount her as you did with her backside, if you like, without entering her. It can be very, very arousing to simply have the length of your shaft pressing against the length of her cunt. It’s a very effective tease, so definitely pay attention to this detail.
If you’re taking this massage/foreplay approach, then lather her breasts and torso with the flavoured oil. Some of the most effective and erotic moves are also the simplest, like running your oily hands up her sides, all the way up her arms and returning slowly down them to rub and massage her shoulders from the front. Slowly move your hands down — rubbing her breasts, fiddling with the nipples, squeezing a little, or harder if she likes that kind of action. (I’d approve, but I’m not sure how many women like having their breasts aggressively manhandled. Chicks, care to vote on this?)
I feel that the more you explore and cover her whole body, the more she’ll lose any inhibitions she might have. When guys focus only on our ass, tits, and twats, our inhibitions about our imperfections can really shout at us. When they’re unafraid to own our whole bodies during the sexual experience, it can really bring out our boldness. When you want her, want all of her. She will respond — guaranteed.
Lean in and mouth her tits. Nibble, suck, and tongue them. (I say “tongue” as a verb as opposed to lick, since there’s a lot you can do with a tongue that doesn’t just involve licking — you can apply pressure, simply flick it, or more. Discover your tongue’s hidden talents in all areas of sex, not just oral.)
Fondle the other breast, and if you want to make her feel really cared for at this point, you can run a hand up to the back of her neck and knead it a little while you orally dote on the nipples. There’s a real pleasure to be found in simultaneously mixing sensitive actions with aggressive ones. The balance can be really fulfilling when you’re on the receiving end, so explore ways you can provide a little of each over the course of an evening.
If you’ve mounted her and have your shaft pressed between her legs, don’t forget to teasingly shift it from time to time. This’ll also keep you clued in to whether she’s wet enough to toy with yet, without having to use your hands. Hopefully, it’ll also keep you aroused and make you want to perform better as you’re sensing her level of arousal growing.
Smother her with your body, nibble her neck, kiss her on the lips, whatever you want to be doing, and then let the games begin.
Snake down her body, nibbling and sucking and biting as you go, until you reach that promised land.

Part Two.

Ex-Sex: Breaking/Making Up

What should’ve been a six month relationship stretched into seven years because of ex-sex. Every time T. and I broke up (let’s just say it didn’t take a blue moon), we’d encounter each other socially since we ran in the same circles, and next thing you’d know, we’d be up against a private wall or back at his place.
For a time, maybe four or five weeks, it’d be incredible. We’d hook up at 10, 11, 12 at night and just do what we did, what we did so goddamned well, until I always invariably left him just before sunrise for my long drive home.
(God, I loved those sunrise home stretches. I still remember that spent but relaxed drive with quality alone time and music, hitting that curve in the highway where the sun would be rising behind Mount Baker, glimmering over the distant ocean.)
But then we’d somehow fall back into the pattern of passion and caring for each other, and next thing you know, we’d be “an item.”
Then it’d all start falling apart all over again. The deconstruction would never take more than three or four months, usually less.
The funny thing was, when it was just sex, we were more there for each other. We’d have these really passionate conversations before and after. We’d lay there on his roof under the stars and talk about anything from poetry and film to philosophy and science. We could really count on each other emotionally, even if only in conversation.
Then convention would enter the picture and we’d start measuring ourselves against this perceived idea of sex and romance, we’d start getting jealous or bitter towards each other, and we’d crumble with a vengeance.
“That” guy, in those four or five blissful weeks, was a guy I thought I could be with for decades. He’s one of the primary reasons I’m as articulate and well-written as I am. He was a huge influence on me intellectually, and those nights of lying in bed, climaxing, then conversing… I’m not sure I’ve ever had such a dually pleasurable experience. Getting off physically, then intellectually… that’s really unbeatable.
And that’s what ex-sex can offer: a pared-down version of a relationship, where all you’ve really got is the intimacy. With that intimacy, tends, in my experience, to come a kind of simplicity that often gets lost in everyday relationships. Once you step out of the narrow confinces of ex-sex, relationships get bogged down with mundanities that tend to incite conflict or apathy. It’s a shame, but that’s how it often works, since that’s usually what killed it the first time around.
I love ex-sex. I love how right that wrong always feels. So goddamned right.
Hell, I want a longterm boyfriend right now just so I can break up with him and then crawl right back. I wouldn’t be the only one crawlin’, I assure you. That prolonged denial followed by incredible satiating… Always a wonderful thing.
So, I’m wondering what your ex-sex experiences were. Come on. You know you’ve had ‘em. After all, there’s nothing quite like being surprised with the familiar. There’s something great about ex-sex, just like going home again. It’s warm, cozy, moist, and good, and you already know it’s a failure, so you don’t need to worry about perfection or how it shakes down the next day, right?
So tell me about your experiences. Emotionally, did you find it easier? Did it seem more honest, less forced? More detached? Meaningless, even? Intimate? Better than it was during peacetime? Were you hurt? Did you care? Was it fun? How did it reignite? Did they push for more? Did you get back together? How did it get complicated, and did that end it? And whatever else occurs to you.

Sexual Q&A: What's so hot about that?

A male reader emailed me to ask me what it is that men find so hot about the stockings-‘n-panties look. I said, “Can’t help you! I’m a girl!”
So, boys, what’s the deal? Does it get you riled, too? Can you pinpoint why?
Me, if I was a guy, it’d likely be the whole Meg Ryan panties’n’tank top look that’d get me hot, and it’s been that way with some of the guys I’ve been with. Hell, I don’t even need to be a guy to find that hot. It bothers me when neighbour chicks across the way wander their apartments that way. Can’t help but watch.
So, let’s hear it. And, girls, what about you? You partial to either?

Sexual Q&A: It's a gusher! Ejaculation ethics

This is a MONSTER post. It’s a monster topic. I’m hoping to provoke a lot of discussion and will leave this front and centre for a couple days.
Recently, an anonymous poster asked about the notion of “facials.” IE: Ejaculating on a lover’s face during the act.
I had a conversation with my friend GayBoy about this not too long ago, since I was interested in his perspective on the matter after he’d posted a fun photo on his blog and I’d made a comment, and when we were walking around town later in the week, he began taunting my apprehensions. The discussion that followed was interesting, so I’ve actually thought a lot about this in the last few weeks and am excited to have the opportunity to open what I hope will be a very interesting dialogue between us all.
You should read anonymous’s original question here, since it’s too long to quote. It’s the 3rd comment down.
STEFF RESPONDS:
Facials are a huge topic, in my view, when it comes to the difference between man/woman and man/man relationships.
GayBoy told me how seeing cum on the face of a lover is very, very arousing, and that it’s quite popular in the gay community. I sort of understood this and I can even kind of see the male mentality as to why it’s hot.
But then it becomes a man/woman issue, and I think there’s groundwork I need to lay down before I can really get to the heart of Anon’s Q.
I don’t talk about feminism on either of my blogs. I don’t feel I should have to talk about it. I’m a strong, sassy chick filled with independence and verve. I don’t “need” a man, never have. I’m not interested in marriage, I don’t want kids, and I’ll never, ever allow myself to depend financially on the dick in my life. Period.
That said, there’s no reason why that should impede my love for men, my appreciation of all they bring to my life. Most of my friends are male, in fact.
I don’t think gender needs to complicate matters, and I’m never vindictive or mean towards men just because they’ve got cocks and a different minset than me. Women who do behave in that manner are bitches, not feminists, and I resent being lumped in with them.
I’m not an “equality” seeker because I think there are definitely things men do better than women and vice versa. I’d rather have my life saved by a male firefighter than a female, and I don’t give a fuck what that may or may not make me seem in the eyes of certain females. That said, I absolutely feel equal in the bedroom, if not superior.
As a woman, sex can be very, very empowering. Knowing more about what to do and how to do it, how to elicit the reactions I want, and how to leave a man gasping, all these things have given me power, not stripped it from me. It has given me more respect in my relationships, regardless of what the media seems to think about sexy women, because the men in my life have loved that I’m willing to do what it takes to bring them incredible pleasure.
But given that I have such strong opinions about being respected and appreciated and having my boundaries known and adhered to by my lovers means I also have strong opinions on things like facials.
First, though, is the issue of equality. Again, I’ve said I’m not interested in equality per se, but when it comes to facials and cumming on your female lover’s body, there IS NO EQUALIZER.
There is nothing — NOTHING — a woman can do to a man that will be on that level. There is nothing we can do to “mark” you, to display our ownership of you. The most we can do is leave a lipstick ring on your cock, and that simply adds to your sensation of dominating and conquering, instead of giving us some semblance of that ownership — which is what the psychological payback is for a man when they cum on a lover’s face.
“That’s my cum. Her face. Mine. All mine.”
You can justify it or idealize it any way you want, but that’s essentially how it boils down. It’s simply more objectification. It’s more of us females being under the male thumb, in theory.
(Bear with me, you might be surprised what I have to say in the end. I’ll get there soon.)
As women, we’re constantly objectified. Whether it’s a car advertisement or in porn, here in North America, we’re constantly made to feel as though we’re sex objects and seldom anything but. Maybe it’s because you can’t stop looking at our tits when you talk to us, or the leering glances we get wandering the streets. Maybe it’s that we’re always on our knees sucking your cock in porn videos when the reality is that we’re usually at your level, lying on a bed, or even hovering over you as we perform fellatio.
When I do my posts for this dirty little bloggie, I often scan through endless pathetically stereotypical porn shots in my quest for the classy fine art nudes you see before you. It works out to maybe one photo found for every 100-200 I see. So much of the porn I see has women almost being victimized and seeming to enjoy it. How fucking ludicrous. I love watching people have sex (and here’s a fine example from my other blog). I hate porn. Do the math.
Many of the shots I find in my quest for images include women looking thrilled that some huge glob of spunk is streaming down her face, like she just won the fucking lottery or something. “Oh, for me?! You shouldn’t have, you sweetie!”
The reality is the opposite. Yeah, there are women who dig it, absolutely. And power to you, babe, if that’s what you’re into. Whatever. I’m down with kinks. But there are also chicks and guys who want to be pissed on, people who want to literally eat shit as part of the sexual experience, people who are into degradation as a means of heightening the experience. And that cup of tea just ain’t right for a large segment of people. Straight up.
It bothers me — profoundly — that there’s still so much stereotypical degradation and filth attached to sex. It bothers me that my site with these tasteful nude shots and this graduation towards the sensual and the erotic is somehow “exceptional” and not the norm. Why the fuck not? Why can’t THIS be hot? Why can’t THIS be the norm?
So you need to understand that ME, my personal reluctance to having a man cum on my face is NOT preceded by hangups and weaknesses. It’s because I’m just not wanting to feel that way — to feel owned. I don’t want to be consciously reminded that there is no equalizer for me when you cum on my face. I’m not interested in being further objectified in the bedroom.
BUT…
That said… in a relationship with a man I dig, a man I love, a man I want to please to no end, yes, I might let it happen. (Although I’d rather not.)
It is something that should be discussed, I think. But when that moment arises, when he’s about to cum, he doesn’t really need to ask my permission before he does it. However, he better fucking well understand that it’s for him, that it’s something I do because I want him to feel like I’m willing to go to any length to see him pleasured. Because I am willing.
I will not point it out and say, “Look what I’m willing to do for you.” That sort of self-martyrizing is bullshit and it’s manipulation. It has no business in the bedroom or in any relationship in your life. PERIOD.
He’s a man, an adult, and he should just understand it. Most will.
A casual one-night stand and he cums on my face? I’m glad he came, because now he’s gone. Done like dinner, man. You don’t get that privilege if you’re some fuck-n-go contributor to my evening’s hijinks. Like I say, I’m not promiscuous, I’m not a casual sex fan, but that’s not to say it hasn’t happened. It sure as hell has, but my boundaries are different in casual sex. In a relationship, there’s so much more I’m willing to do for him.
In YOUR relationship, Mr. Anonymous, I say go for it. Have the conversation. But your question is, how?
With great difficulty, that’s how. There’s no way you’re going to ever feel comfortable or at ease asking about such a complex sexual favour, not being the liberated and caring man you clearly sound like you are. But in a good relationship, you need to take those risks. It’s those risks that lead you to that higher sexual consciousness that really brings home the thrill of connecting deeply with your lover.
But you knew that. It’s why you’ve asked.
You state that you have previously accidentally shot your load on her face and it’s made you feel horrible yet aroused. I suspect that part of the arousal for men is the knowledge, deep down, that there’s absolutely no fucking need to shoot cum on a face. We love the forbidden, and that’s not a trait exclusive to either sex, so I can understand that mentality. It’s why I’m willing to indulge a man I care for.
But you’ve done it already, like I just stated. So do it again, “accidentally,” but next time, follow it with conversation. Apologize. Tell her you’re sorry it landed where it did. Tell her to wait there. Go get a nice, warm, wet handtowel and a dry towel, and gently, lovingly clean her face as you tell her again that it was unintentional. Wash her face, dry it off, but continue the conversation as you do.
Be on your knees, bedside, eye-level as you speak with her. Being on your knees is like a psychological act of submission, it will speak louder than you can imagine.
Ask her to forgive you. She may stop you then and there and say it’s okay. Problem solved. Maybe she doesn’t speak because she wants to see what you say next — which is probably how I’d respond — not at all, yet.
So, then, you want to lower your voice as if confessing and just tell her that although it fills you with shame and strangeness, that the sight of your spunk on her face did something primal to you, but that the shame and guilt almost negate that arousal. Then you just simply ask. There’s no way to really word it or phrase it so it’s easy to say.
What I’d maybe try to say is something along the lines of, “Look, I feel awful about just doing that, but it really turned me on. I don’t ever want to subject you to feeling like you’re just some plaything of mine, but if you’d ever indulge me and just let me do that to you without all this emotional baggage I’m feeling right now, I don’t think I could even tell you how amazingly turned on and indebted I’d feel to you. You don’t have to answer me now, but think about it, and if you’d be willing… my god. I can’t imagine the pleasure you would give me… I’d be putty in your hands.”
If a guy said something like that to me, and I understood that he realized what he was asking of me, I’d never say no.
Conversely, “Honey, you’re so hot with my spunk chunks on your face. Can I do that again next Friday?” is probably going to kill your chances. But you knew that. 😉
In summary? I’m not a fan of ever getting cummed on. Period. I understand that in the give-and-take world of sex, it’s to be expected. I understand what it does to my lovers when they’re able to see their secretions on me.
As fucked up as I sort of think it is, I just make my peace with the fact that it’s one of those male things that I, as an open-minded but middle-of-the-road chick, will probably always be slightly baffled by.
But that’s all right. Both sexes have their mysteries and intrigues, but it’s communication and reaching understandings that close those gaps between us. Sometimes, it requires doing something you think is out of your safety zone. Sometimes, the things we think are depowering us and leaving us cloaked in filth or what have you will actually wind up strengthening the relationship in ways nothing else could.
Sometimes, allowing your partner to “violate” your boundaries is the kindest, most loving thing to do.
And I understand that and accept it. That’s what sex is.
Maybe I’m the exception, maybe I’m the feminist chick who just doesn’t want to be cummed on, but I suspect there are other chicks out there who feel the same and that they are a majority. I’d love to hear the female POV on this — and I know the male readers are probably thrilled to have this discussion opened up.
So, chicks, what page are you on? How does it make you feel? Is it a respect thing? Is it a disgusting thing? Does it turn you on? Do you think I’ve overthought it? Have I missed anything? How could a guy convince you it’s something you should do? Or CAN he convince you?
Guys, is it something you wish your woman would allow more of? Does she already allow it? Do you care if she does? Has the issue ever changed a relationship on you? If you’re a gay male, how all-encompassing is this behaviour? Does it arouse you? Do YOU have issues with getting a cumshot in the face? Why? Why not?

Sexual Q & A: Twofer on Masturbation & Lovers' Age Differences

Anonymous wants to know about masturbating in front of a partner.

What about it? Should you do it? Is it cool? Is it freaky? I don’t know specifically what you’re asking, so let’s tackle it all.
STEFF RESPONDS:
No question. Do it. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating for your partner. In fact, I encourage you to. As mentioned by one of my sensational readers earlier last week, it can help you show your partner how your erogenous zones respond to stimulation.
Fact is, we all get off in different ways. Everyone likes a little somethin’ different.
The question is, though, are women as open to watching men masturbate as men are to watching chicks? I can’t answer that. I think women should be, though.
Chicks are raised with this mentality that the male member’s super-sensitive and can’t handle rough treatment. Every chick has had the experience where she’s sat between her boyfriend’s legs to watch TV and accidentally crushed the crown jewels, inciting a pained reaction from the boy in question.
We’re left with this image of cocks being ubersensitive all the time. I wonder, then, how many chicks don’t put all they’ve got into giving a guy a handjob. How hard is too hard to squeeze? How rough can you go? Do most chicks know?
I’ve got a pretty good idea. I’ve often done the mutual masturbation thing and it’s been very illuminating.
Watching a guy jack off can be enlightening, then, for most women. Particularly in that she can just learn from his moves, just like I did. I could spout off about it, but every chick needs to experience it themselves. I scoff at the notion of a guy passing up the opportunity to not only watch a chick masturbate, but to shadow the experience. No guy I’ve ever known has balked.
Guys watching chicks? Abso-fucking-lutely. The female organ’s a true mystery, even to us chicks. Me, if I masturbate, it’s quick and dirty and I move on. It’s a clit thing for me. There are times when the Energizer bunny comes in to play, but most of the time, it’s fingers, fast and furious, and I’m outta there.
Other chicks might read that and think, “What, are you male or something?” It’s a world of difference for each of us.
Absolutely reach out and touch yourself for your lover. Angle yourselves across the bed from each other and mutually stimulate yourselves for each other’s pleasure. Make lots of eye contact, but also watch what it is they’re doing to themselves. Keep the lights on. Turn them down if you need a mood, light some candles and such, but make sure you’ve got visibility, and put aside your bodily insecurities so you can really capitalize on the opportunity to let them see how you make yourself cum.
Education always, always, always improves sex. The more your lover knows about you, the more pleasure you’ll receive. End of story.
What are your thoughts on the matter, folks?
Next on the platter…
Chunu wants to know where I stand on older and younger lovers.

STEFF RESPONDS:
Never really gone out with an older lover. They’ve always been around my age, maybe two-three years older. Younger, though, there’s been a lot of. When I was 27, I was with a 21-year-old for awhile and that was a good time, but it was mostly me teaching him things. Having the opposite be true would be a delight for a change.
I’m not sure why I’ve gravitated towards younger men. Probably because I’ve got a really zippy, youthful personality and I’m a playful, playful girl.
Men with mortgages and baggage daunt me. I’m not into the whole complicated lifestyle thing. I like my life simple and easy, and younger guys seem to be on that page. I also enjoy the exuberance.
Am I, however, opposed to older lovers? No, not at all. In fact, I’m interested in seeing what I’m missing. There’s something to be said for a guy who’s been married, has had the ball and chain, and has moved on from it all, gained from the claustrophobia of it, and is living life to the fullest after it all. I’d love more worldly, experienced, darker men in my life, men who’ve been through shit and know when to appreciate simplicity… like I now do.
Another knock against younger men is that I have NEVER been able to persuade one to learn Tantric sex with me. I don’t understand the hesitation, and there’s nothing I desire to learn more right now than the fine art of Tantra.
I’d love to hook up with a guy around 40 and see what it is he can show me. I’d be wild about the notion of hooking up with a man already schooled in Tantra. I suspect some older men have a lot they can bring to the bed, and like I say, I love an educated man.
The older man thing? It’s simply never happened to work out. I’ve even had dates planned with older guys and they always fall through ‘cos of some emergency with their kids or whatever the fuck it is that happens. And it just constantly reminds me that older men come with a lot of complications…
Complications that just don’t accommodate my lifestyle.
If only that weren’t the case.
And what about you, folks? You have a preference between older and younger lovers? Why? What made that develop? Do you wish your present partner was a different age? Why?

Sexual Q& A: Water, Anyone?

A lovely female reader emailed me and asked me to keep her anonymous, but wanted to know the truth behind sex in the water. Does it enhance the experience?
STEFF RESPONDS:
I don’t know. I’ve never really gone there. I’ve had guys crash my bath and the feeble attempts at sex were laughable, since the tubs have always been too small. I’ve never had a decent sized tub, so why bother with a tub?
I mean, seriously, the last thing I need is my head knocking against a tile wall and my neck ramming against the stupid lip of the tub. Ergo, stay the fuck out and let me play with myself. I have plans for you later. Behave, and you’ll get your reward.
Sex in the shower, I’m so there. Lather me up and watch me go.
But sex in a body of water (ocean, lake, pond) has never been opportune, and sex in a pool, well, if that opportunity arises, I’m in like you wouldn’t believe.
But in wondering about the question, I thought I’d do some research.
Now, before we go further, let this be known: there are a lot of condom-integrity issues with sex in the water. Obviously we want to play safe. But if you’re in a safe, committed relationship where you’re both negative, those issues clearly won’t matter to you. There are other points below that will be relevant to you, too, though, so please read on.
It goes without saying, colder water temperatures are not conducive to stiffies staying stiff. You might as well just bid the hard-on goodbye, unless he’s some iron man who washes with Cheer for better cold-water performance or something.
Another problem is that of vaginal lubrication. You’ll be needing to search out a non-water soluble lube in order to do your aquatics routine, and lube will certainly be necessary, regardless of whether you require it in your regular sexual antics. A single bout of playing with your clit in the tub will prove that to you. (One small part of why I like oil baths. Mostly, it’s to have nice skin, of course.)
But you can’t do the oil-in-water during safe sex since the oil will seriously compromise your condom, possibly causing it to tear or break.
All right, back to the drawing board. What next, then?
Well, let’s say you’ve found yourself a wonderful non-soluble lube and you’re good to go exploring in, say, a swimming pool. Great! You’ve got the condoms, some nice umbrella-laden bevvies, and it’s game on.
Or is it? By hopping in that there pool, you’ve effectively stripped the condom’s spermicidal properties. Damn it! Foiled again. Even if the spermicide’s not a big concern for you, there’s the very increased likelihood of the condom either slipping off or ripping, again because of submersion and also the chlorination.
But I’ve saved the worst for last. Let’s say it’s a blissfully warm summer’s eve and there’s the smell of honeysuckle dancing in the air and a full moon, and no one but no one is by the beach this evening. You get that creative notion of sex in the water, and why not? No one’s around, life is quiet. Opportunity’s knocking.
Except for that small problem of parasites, bacteria, and organisms that are thriving in the water. Swimming is fine, but the whole forceful act of sex ensures that these micro-organisms that would normally never find their way up the vaginal tract will not only enter it, but will be thrust high up it, leading to any one of an array of vaginal infections.
(And those probabilities increase drastically in lakes and ponds, girlies.)
It sounded like such a good idea, didn’t it? Sadly, no.
So, really, if you’ve got a nice big soaker tub and you’re on the pill and you know you’re in a safe relationship, I say have at ‘er. If it’s a casual relationship and you don‘t mind rolling the dice with a less effective condom, then that’s great, too.
Otherwise, you might want to think twice.
As for enhancing the experience itself, let’s ask the rest of the school kids since my experiences could only be summed up as “feeble” and “headache-inducing.” Anyone able to testify on this? I’m particularly interested in hearing from women since they’re the ones who’ll be getting the raw end of the deal with the lube issues. What say you, kids? Is the aquatic givin’ gettin’ good?

Sexual Q & A: Threesomes


Tonight’s topic? Menage a trois.
HERMES ASKS: Threesomes?

STEFF ANSWERS:
Oh, my. I’ve never really given threesomes a lot of thought. No guy I’ve been with has ever brought the topic up or asked if I’d be willing. So, I’m going to just run with my train of thought here. Bear with me.
So, have I? No.
Would I? I think so. Depends on the extra wheel.
The “extra wheel” stipulation brings us to the dilemma of two guys versus two girls… Which brings us firstly to the dilemma of anal.
I’ve done anal, not just once, and didn’t enjoy it (painful, awkward). Maybe it was the guy, I don’t know. I’d probably try it again in the future since my attitude towards things has been expanding quite a bit in the last year or so, if the right partner came along. I stress the latter. (It’s also a size-dependent issue, if you get my drift.)
But going at it with two guys would probably be better suited if I was a fan of anal. Given that I’m not, I don’t think I’d go that way. I once thought I’d be into two guys. I’m not sure when that shift occurred, but it did, and now I think otherwise, and have for a while now.
I think part of it might be the occasional male attitude towards sex. The fuck-me-hard, fuck-me-now, let-me-access-all-of-you bullshit that can wear thin. I’m not that kinda girl, not in plural, anyhow.
I have seldom ever heard a male account of a two-guys-one-gal threesome that didn’t sound like it belonged in some pulp porn movie. It always winds up sounding like she’s some whore who got fucked silly. Whatever turns your crank. It don’t turn mine.
I’m not orgiastic about sex. I’m passionate, driven, curious, sensual, open, creative, and exploratory, and though I can be a dirty girl, it’s not a defining characteristic of mine. I’m more mischevious, devilish, and playful than I am filthy, though I can talk dirty with the best of ’em (and do).
I haven’t come to that point where I can reconcile with the idea of whoring myself in any kind of capacity that leaves me wishing I’d had more self-respect the next day. Maybe I will be able to reconcile that one day, but I’m not holding my breath.
So, for me, sex is very passionate, very emotional, very sensual, and not something I usually take lightly, which is why I’m not promiscuous. When I have sex, I am all there, all the time, and the notion of two guys fighting for my attention SHOULD excite me, but it perplexes me. I can’t shut off my laserlight focus that I bring to the bed. I can’t divide that between two men, and I’m pretty sure the one guy who gets to receive my affections probably doesn’t want me to, knowing what he’s in for.
Yeah, I just can’t identify with two guys fucking me on one night. It just doesn’t do anything for me. Right now, anyhow. “As far as I know.” And this is going on the stereotypical experience, as I described above.
HOWEVER… if I had all creative control? If I could orchestrate the night? If what I said went? If my boundaries were understood and respected? If I trusted both men implicitly? If it was a sensual experience and not just a sweaty fuckfest?
That could well be an entirely different scenario since I’m a VERY situation-specific kinda gal. Everything depends on the night, the mood, my edge or lack thereof. I’m known to be very, very, very spontaneous and mood-driven, and even my friends of 15 years will tell you I constantly surprise them. With me, you never know.
The right extra guy might be something I can’t pass up. I’m too fucking smart and too old to dismiss something out of hand without knowing the particulars. I mean, if I was in a relationship and J. passed me on the street, or B. or E. or J2 or one of the other great lovers I’ve had, I’d love to bring him home for a night of fun and games with a present lover, because I’d trust them and they would know where my boundaries lay. I guess that would be the breaking/making point.
Bringing a chick into the equation, yeah, actually, I’d be totally down with that. Tomorrow. Seriously. I’d be awkward and nervous at first, but I’m confident I’d overcome that quickly with the right duo. Women have a different mentality about sex — or the ones I know, do. But it would depend on the chick, and I’m sorta specific about what kinda girl would get me riled.
As I posted recently, I’ve become very interested in having a female explore me, especially orally, and I’d be interested in a limited exploration in return. Honestly, I’d be kinda into having the guy watch her going down on me. That would really, really get me hot. The sex that would follow would probably be pretty incredible. God, the idea of it right now gets me bothered just thinking of it.
Hmm. Let me take a moment longer to think of that. Lovely. Nice. Yes, that I’d well be into. Sigh. Yep. Mm.
So, then, what do I really think of threesomes? (shrug) I don’t know. I’m on the fence. It can be an exciting diversion in a relationship, I’m sure. I wouldn’t ever want them to be a dominating aspect of my relationships. I love the part of sex where it’s all about exploring with my partner. My partner. Every now and then, to shake things up? Cool.
Now ask me what I think of swinging.
Did I answer that oh-so-very-vague question well enough for you, H?
And what do you folks have to say on the topic of threesomes?
Have you? Would you? What turns you on about it? What turns you off? When would be the right time? Is it the sign of things going awry in a serious, committed relationship? Can you in fact be seriously committed yet bring in outside sex for kicks without compromising the future of your relationship? Has it happened to you where you brought a third party in and had the relationship tank as a result?

Sexual Q & A: How Can I Spice Things Up?

ANONYMOUS ASKS: What’s a girl to do when her new boyfriend is VERY conservative and she wants to shake things up? Suggestions? This guy is NOT experienced but he’s really adorable.
STEFF ANSWERS: Keeping in mind that conservative attitudes about sex are usually resulting from ignorance or fear, I think you gotta proceed slowly.
If this were me, I’d probably proceed in any one of a few different ways. In fact, I’d recommend trying them all. Education shouldn’t happen in one fell swoop, neither should sexual expansion. Slow, graduated learning will make it more meaningful for both of you, if that’s what you’re after.
1) I might write him a very naughty, explicit letter detailing a few things I’d like to do to him. When he’s leaving one morning/night, put it in his wallet or something like that, so he finds it at an unexpected time and place. When it’s out of the blue and he’s alone with time to process things, and not in front of you, it may leave him more open to suggestion. Plus, if you’re arousing enough on the page, he might just find himself in a situation where he wishes you were around to aid with relief. (This could possibly backfire, too, so you need to be careful how far you go on the page. Subtly alluding to things could be as big a turn-on as being explicit, depending on your man.)
2) I suggest just taking him by surprise in bed. If he’s never done bondage, for example, maybe don’t talk to him about it in advance if you believe he’ll cringe. While you’re on top, simply playfully pin his arms over his head and loosely put a pair of nylons or something else that you’ve got conspicuously handy around his wrists, so he can get out if he likes, and proceed as you like. So, make it the illusion of bondage instead of the real thing, to take the fear out of the experience. (I wouldn’t recommend blindfolding with bondage at the same time if he’s nervous. It can be pretty overwhelming when you’re knew to it, speaking from experience here. ‘course, I fell in love with the feeling, but still, a lot to process.)
3) Another way to proceed is to just introduce one small new thing per session. Bring in food one time. Start off with a massage and oral another time. Try nailing him publically in a forest or something sometime. Vary the experience one teensy way each time until you’ve acquired a kaleidoscope of shared experiences. Then you’ll get to pick and choose.
4) Something else to try might be something like 101 Romantic Nights (a sex game where you roll the dice and refer to a book to see what your tasks for the evening are) or something similar, where you’re told what to do next through a book or something. There are other books, like 101 Grreat Nights of Romance, that come with sealed pages and just a tease as to what might lie ahead. You break the seal on the page to get the instructions for the evening, and you do what you’re told. They’re pretty tame, by and large, but they’re definitely an introduction to thinking outside the box when you’re a conservative lover, plus the creativity included might be pleasantly surprising for him, but the instructions and tips might take some pressure of of him when it comes to performing. But there are also a lot of inventive little role-playing antics and such, with a list of what you might require for the evening — and some of these may be new to experienced lovers, too.
5) It may well be that he’s intimidated by your experience. Bring the issue up casually, in a non-threatening way, when you’re having a quiet night on the sofa, watching a movie. Discuss the intimidation and tell him you can understand it if he feels that way, but you don’t want him feeling it anymore, and ask what you can do to help make it go away. You can ask him to design a night that will be comfortable for him, but he may feel pressured as a result, so I don’t really recommend that.
I think a lot of chicks tend to forget that, when it comes to sex, a lot of pressure, most of it (if not all), is on the guy. Their plumbing needs to be working, their size needs to be adequate, their skills are the ones that dominate the experience… an inexperienced guy with an experienced chick probably has a whole lot of issues to deal with, and being relatively gentle yet provocative is the only way to proceed if he’s timid.
6) Finally, maybe you can just watch a movie with a great sex scene in it, like the infamous refrigerator scene in 9 1/2 Weeks, and teasingly suggest you should do that, or any other sex scene you’ve enjoyed cinematically. I’m talking films, not porn. I don’t think porn’s the way to go when you’re easing someone in, since the expectations could seem unrealistic. But after you’ve said, “hey, that looks like fun, could we try that?” take him by surprise and go down on him.
Personally, all of my sexual experimentation came as a result of conversations that got the ball rolling. But I’m an imaginative and visual gal, so maybe it impacted me more that way.
In short? Again, be provocative but gentle. If he seems to be getting intimidated, then address it in a non-judgmental way. Let him know you want to teach him, that it’s important to you to show him just how good you can make him feel in every single way. You can bring dominance into the equation after you’re both on level ground. Have fun getting there. 😉
Do my male readers have any suggestions for Miss Anonymous, or feedback on mine?