Category Archives: Advice

Decoding Feminine Desire: Yeah, Right

Okay, so supposedly you’re all here ‘cos this girl knows her shit, right?
I gotta tell you, though, I’m stumped. Seems a reader who simply goes by “Regular” wants to know how a man can then get his woman all riled in response to the posting below this one, A Few Ways To Get Your Man Rock Hard.
Would that it were so easy, my friend, but we all know women are complicated. Them’s the facts. Anyone who tells you different is full of shit. There’s no Magic 8-Ball easy-peasy decoder ring to turning women on. We’re a chore.
Women talking about how hard it is to understand men sometimes strikes me as laughable. The truth is, we got it easy. Your buttons are so goddamned easy to push. Whether it be stuffing your suit pocket with our panties after a ritzy meal out, or dropping our clothes in front of you, it seems like that’s all it ever takes.

Excepting the occasional so-called “dysfunction” episode, of course. I hate that word because it implies that guys should have a money shot every time a thought about sex occurs to them. What kind of fucked-up expectations are we encouraging here? Can’t they just be aroused on a different level for a change? Not if you listen to the goodly folk like Pfizer pushing a Viagra-sized solution on the masses. “A man needs a manly response,” seems to be the spin of the decade. Seems we missed the memo explaining intimacy sized up to a lot more than just seven inches rigid, or whether a chick comes.

Chicks, though, our hot buttons come from a world full of different places. For us, it’s not as visual as it is for men. It’s something almost intangible. A expression, a phrase uttered, that way you’re sitting all cross-legged and peering at us like you can see right through us as we regale you about our childhood, or any other number of absurdly impalpable means of getting stimulated. Or at least it’s that way for those of us in touch with our sex drives. We all know there’re some pretty fucking androgynous folks out there.
I’m turned on by everything from the way a guy sits with a guitar to how he focuses in on me in conversation. He can make me insane by delivering a hard kiss against the wall, or by lightly tracing a finger up my jeans as he approaches from behind, or by tugging me down to the ground for a hard massage that soon goes awry. I’m so fucking turned on by earnestness and honesty in a guy that I wish it could be bottled. Often, it ain’t nothing he does… it’s how he is that’ll draw me in.
I don’t know what the margin is for chicks who initiate sex, but I’m pretty fucking sure I’m somewhere near the head of the class. I like sex, and in a relationship, I’m not afraid to express the want to have it — in any number of ways and often, very often. This means I’m pretty in touch with my sex drive, and as such, I probably get turned on by more with a man than your average chick might. Maybe. I’m speculating.
I really want to hear from the chicks on this one. What do the boys do that really get you hot? How can they best press your buttons?
For me, it’s a guy that strokes my legs or ass in a really nice, intimate, gentle manner, just as we’re watching television or something. Over and over and over again. The longer he does it, the more I move towards Meltdown Mode. It’s a guy who shows absolute interest in me. Who leans towards me whenever I begin to speak, who hangs off my words, who drinks me in. If I get that, I’m absolutely fascinated. It’s about intensity and intimacy, and it’s no one thing a man does that makes me want to jump him. It builds, escalates, then implodes on me, and I attack.
In general, guys have all the tried-n-true methods at their disposal: massages, surprise candlelit dinners, a good pair of jeans that advertise your goods, a blanket and a bottle of wine on the floor before a fire, love notes hidden in her purse, biting her neck, and so on. As for specific make-her-want-me-now moves, I can’t really help you. I’m an odd duck.
So now let’s hear about it from readers. Well, girls? In what ways can a guy best delicately manipulate his fuckability factor with you? Hmm?
And guys, you could add a little more to the posting below, so we know what else we can do to/for you. Before you begin to feel transparent and all, just think, what’s the worst that could happen? You’ll give more chicks more means for knowing how to spell out “Fuck-me-now,-please” for your benefit. So, a little cooperation? Thanks.

Bondage on the cheap?

Are you, like me, a fan of light bondage, but not into the sorts of high-end bondage bed sets that cost an arm and a leg? Do you lack an old-fashioned headboard to bind your lover to? Have no fear. Here’s a two-dollar bondage hijinks tip from yours truly.
Visit your local dollar store and pick up a couple cheap steel drawer pulls like these. Screw them into the top of your bed frame for the arms, and if needed, the bottom for the legs, at a “spread-eagle” width. Grab a rope, bind your lover, and let the games begin.

The struggle to love one's self

I am imperfect. Maybe it’s a newsflash to you, but it’s something I’ve been far too aware of for my entire life.
As a kid, I was plagued with health problems. It wasn’t until my early teens that my epilepsy went away and we discovered that the causes of my endless troubles ultimately stemmed from a rare kidney disorder.
Nearly two decades later, my health issues are things of my distant past, but I’m still a member of the bonus lover plan. I’m not some svelte sexy thing who’s able to squeeze into a size six, and some part of me doubts I ever will be. No, like my personality, my body’s larger than life, and it suits me fine.
I’d rather not ever be thin, despite struggling to lose nearly 20% of my body weight these past two years. During that journey to toneness, I’ve gained a better sense of self than I’ve ever known. Who I am, though, is larger than life, and that’ll never change. Presumably, my body will remain the first clue of my nature for others.
On that same journey, I’ve discovered something else. The “ideal” beauty is seldom our “real” beauty in the eyes of the everylover. While we all lust after our glossy magazine celebs, when it comes to having them as lovers, day in day out, we wouldn’t be interested. Why is that?
I’ve been trying to understand the seemingly incongruous nature between lust and desire. I’m more than able to lust after nearly any man I see, since sexuality for me isn’t a formula, but rather something almost impalpable. You have it or you don’t. When it comes to desire and attraction for the longterm, though, I find myself zeroing in on men who carry a little extra weight on their large frames, provided they dress well and groom well. What is it that makes me want them? I’ll never know, but I know they’re what’s in my mind when I touch myself in the dark.
The point is, we all have a certain make and model that drives our desire, and it may not be worthy of a glossy magazine spread, but they’ll spread just fine for us, thank you very much.
Until this past year, I was always aggressive in my interpersonal dealings, in an attempt to mask my everpresent insecurities. Somewhere along the way, probably when I escaped death last August in a scooter (think Vespa-ish) accident, I realized the insanity of not loving myself for who and what I was, since I had almost ceased to be and had another chance at this merry-go-round called Life. Loving myself then became my number one goal.
After all this time, all this work, I can say it’s true now. I’m a vixen in my own right, in my own way. I’ve also discovered something I’d forgotten: No man has ever complained about my body size to me. The contrary. Back in the day, though, I thought they were trying to make me feel better. I didn’t want to believe they could want me or love me for who I was… because what would that say about them, then?
Now, what it says about a man is evident to me: They understand passion, desire, and they know it when they see it. They see me for all of what I offer — intelligence, wit, charm, stylings, deviousness, sensitivity, romance, dominance, submissiveness, all wrapped into one package that’s just the right size to hold the dynamism of what I bring to the bed and to life as a whole.
A few years ago, I read a study that revealed those who were carrying a little extra weight generally had better sex lives. The scientists were at first stymied by this discovery, until they realized a very simple truth: Food, when done the way food ought to be, is as erotic and sensual as anything we can experience. Those who were overweight were in touch with their sensual selves and sought to enjoy all the delectable goodness offered by life, in whatever form they came, be it bed-bound, baked, or otherwise.
I have found myself besieged by young women of late, all of them emailing me about their inabilities to orgasm. I find myself having to keep explain to them that they got to love themselves — physically and emotionally — before they can handle the Big O. The odds are against them, though, and it’s largely why we sexually peak in our 30s. As young women, we suffer through the most inexplicable expectations from society and the hang-ups we develop are legion. There was a good mainstream example last year in the form of a short-lived TV show called Life as We Know It, with Kelly Osborne in it. A guy fell for her, but admitted he couldn’t handle having her as a girlfriend, because what would his buddies think if he was slapping thighs with a tubby girl?
We live in a society that’s so hung up on appearances that we’ve forgotten the beauty that comes from within. We’ve forgotten how incredibly hot and sexy it can be when someone simply digs themselves for who they are, regardless of their appearance, and can bring that passion and goodness into play in every thing they do every day.
I recall once being asked why I wanted to lose weight. I bit my lip, looked at the ground, thought about it, and responded “Because I want my inside beauty to match my outsides.”
These days, on a good day, I know I already match. In the last decade of my life, I have overcome enormous obstacles — the death of a parent, massive debt, illnesses, a couple near-death experiences, and writer’s block that hounded me for half a decade. But my greatest accomplishment is this: Loving myself.
One of my all-time favourite quotes is Oscar Wilde’s. “To love one’s self is the beginning of a life-long romance.” What can I say? I’m a romantic at heart, and now it shows.

Dear Reader: Go Fuck Yourself

A reader wrote:

Late at night your long-time female partner believes you are alseep and commences to masturbate right there beside you in the cot.
The unmistakable sound of her arousal soon has e breathing heavy, but she’s concentrating so hard she thinks it is snoring coming from my side of the bed.
What should a man do in these circumstances, expecially as she has denied this activity ever took place when challenged previously? Sex life is quite OK, but she obviously wants more and wants it solo.
Should I request she leaves the room to perform this act of self-service?
Signed,
Not Snoring, Breathing Heavy

When your lover’s laying next to you and apparently wants an unmanned journey to The Big O, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself, Mr. NSBH.

  • One, is my sex life as good as I’ve been deluding myself that it is?
  • Two, have I really been honest when talking to my lover about sex?
  • Three, is she comfortable truly telling me her desires?
  • Four, what can I do to have her wanting me to join in?
  • Five, is there something wrong with my approach?

Now, I couldn’t help but notice you said she “denied this activity ever took place when challenged previously.” Allow me to pull a Dr. Phil here and point out your choice of language: “denied” and “challenged.” The tone’s argumentative, and it leads me to suspect you may have dropped the ball when you addressed the issue in the past.
She shouldn’t have been challenged, and shouldn’t have been put in a place of having to “deny” or “admit”. That’s inarguable. Masturbation may not be mentioned by name in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, but I tell you, we’re all entitled, baby, and so is she.
But was she in the right to be doing it right then? Well, that’s the debatable part, and I say no.
If your lover is fucking themselves in bed next to you, there’s really only three ways that goes.

  • One, they want to be discovered because they secretly desire to fuck you.
  • Two, they’re already fucking — with your mind — and are doing it to taunt you.
  • Three, maybe it really is a sudden middle-of-the-night desire and they’re just dealing with it as the situation arises, so to speak.

Situation three seems not to apply to this case in point, since it’s happened on more than one occasion.
Face it: If you’re in bed, masturbating, and your lover’s six inches to your left, you might as well be lying there with a low-wattage neon sign that’s shouting “fuck me now, please.”.
Maybe, though, you’re part of the really ignorant segment of society whereby you feel you have the right to lie next to your partner, masturbate, then tell them you’re not interested in them helping. If so, I got to tell you, you’re a right cunt.
Get out of bed and masturbate someplace where you won’t be fucking with your partner’s head. They deserve that, at the very least.
The fact is, most of us, when faced with someone masturbating by our side, will find ourselves ragingly horny as a result.
If you’re a guy, and your woman is doing this to you, then I say you should try to get in on the act. Personally, I’d welcome it. A middle-of-the-night fuck is always one of my favourite kinds.
Now, don’t be an idiot and start talking to her. You may catch her offguard and shock the mood right out of her. No, better to keep your mouth shut. Just lightly trace a finger up her thigh or gently bite her shoulder. Do not try to get a touchdown by rushing for her genitals. She’s already aroused and they’re hypersensitive. Do a light tracing and guage her reaction.
A quiet moan from her means you’re in. Rub your palm down her, and back up. Maybe find your way to her breasts. If she starts responding more, then continue with the surface play for a little while longer, letting her tell you what to do, while you prolong the tease before delivering. If you do things right, you’ll either go down on her or enter her, depending on what she wishes, since this particular session ought to be all about her, since she’s generously allowing you along for the ride.
If she’s not interested in you joining — she gasps, grumbles, or just suddenly stops and rolls over — then you need to have a conversation in the morning, but save your pride and roll over for now.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with masturbating when you’re in a relationship. I think it’s fine. It’s better if you have a healthy sex life and let your partner help you, but it’s not a death knell. But no lover gets carte blanche. You do not get to lie in bed next to your lover, fuck yourself, and tell them essentially to fuck themselves when they want to be fucking you in your moment of fuck-worthiness.
It just ain’t right. You want to do self-service? Then do it where you’re by yourself.
After all, Elvis said it best, baby. Don’t be cruel.

Getting Stiffed By the Stiffy & Happy Birthday to Me

I’m 32 today, folks. That being the case, I’m a little busy being busy and birthdayish for the next couple of days. YAY me.
I wrote this posting over on NYHotties for you kids to read in answer to LabBoy’s question about the “five-minute” rule — you know, how guys tend to blow their wad the first time they have sex with a broad in about all of five minutes of steamy action.
You can read the original comments here. The posting is in full below, though:
Here’s a conversation I had with a reader:

How do I get over the “5-minute” rule when it comes to doing it with someone for the first time? Whatcha mean by the 5-minute rule?
5-minute rule: All the dates before “the” date have been foreplay. I’m turned on beyond belief, so when we get to “the” moment, I can only last for 5 minutes. I can “reload” and “reset” fairly quickly and go back to my usual 30 minutes or so of long-lasting action… But it’s always very fast that first time!
Well, have you done the jack-off-before-date routine when you know you’ll be getting some? Is a cock ring out of the question?
That’s just it!!! I never know if I’ll be getting some… So should I just, ahem, service myself regardless? Just in case? Always be prepared? What am I? A boyscout?
A cock ring? Somehow I think this doesn’t have to do with rooster fighting in downtown Guadalajara…

I sometimes wonder if guys are given the short end of the shaft thanks to the fact that they reach their sexual peak in their late teens, but chicks don’t reach theirs for a decade or more after their first sexual experiences.
Most younger women live under the delusion that there’s “something wrong” with them, so they do everything they can to try and maximize their sexual experiences. For instance, women almost always know about the wonders of Kegel exercises.
What are Kegels? They’re an exercise through which the pelvic floor is strengthened and empowered. What does that have to do with sex? Better orgasms, kids. You have better control over that region of your body, and thus can prolong your experience before orgasming.
The problem is, a lot of guys don’t realize they can — and should — do these exercises, too. Like one resource on the web says, if you’re a guy with an erect penis, and you can’t squeeze your pelvic muscles and cause your dick to jump substantially, then you need to do these exercises — more than you know.
Guys often snicker and laugh at the notion of some men “lasting for hours” in bed. The rockstar Sting is known for his passion for Tantric sex and his claims that he can have sex “all night long.” Why guys snicker and laugh at this is beyond me, but I suspect it’s largely insecurity along the “that’ll never be me” kind of lines.
No, not without work, it won’t be. If guys were to do Kegel exercises regularly, the odds are good that their newly healthy, strong penis could have a towel hung over it when erect and still be able to little lifts and lowering at will.
So, Reader, first of all, do your exercises. Every single day. Second of all, learn that your “regular 30 minutes” isn’t really much to write home about either, but it’s unfortunately become the almost-accepted norm for men.
You can do better, and when you do, you’ll wonder how you ever managed to be complacent with the sex life you once had.
I was speaking with a man I know and he told me how yoga was “the best thing” he ever did for his sex life. I asked him if it was because of the stronger abdomen helping his erection, and he said yeah, that, but also because it taught him how to breathe right, and that did wonders for him.
In his late 30s, the man’s experiencing the best sex he’s ever had, all because he’s lost his inhibitions and learned how to control his body like he’s never done before. Through yoga he has learned to focus on his abdomenal muscles and their role in his ability to withhold his orgasm for hours. The breathing techniques he has learned have allowed him — with his partner — to slow down his breathing and thus find greater control over his bodily sensations.
And if all this sounds like too much, then I suggest taking the easy way out and jacking off before your dates. Even if you don’t get laid, at least you’ll be relaxed and more willing to let the evening happen naturally, rather than being concerned about getting yours.
Finally, there’s always the option of a cock ring. There are important considerations when choosing a cock ring for yourself, particularly in regards to size. Too small and it could really cause you problems, and may get stuck on your cock. Not good. Too large and it’ll do nothing. The safest way to go is a strap-on cock ring, since you can adjust the tension in case you’re unsure how tight to go, and sensation is your best guiding force. You can even get cock rings that have a vibe attached to really give your partner her bang for your buck, too. But if you’re a man on a budget and you still want to have that upscale ride, then visit your local hardware store and buy a few little rubber seals/gaskets and see which works best for you, at a fraction of the cost.
But what does a cock ring do, you ask? It traps blood in your cock and makes your erection both larger and last longer. When you finally do come, it’s a more explosive orgasm, so to speak, since the blood has made the orgasm more difficult and lengthy to achieve, thus heightening your end experience.
The “first time” you do it with a chick will probably always leave a little to be desired compared to your regular endurance ability, but maybe it’s time to up the ante all the way around. A little extra dedication to your dick will help you become the man of your dreams — and hers.

You asked? Cock Rings

Chelsea Girl requested that I address the issue of cock rings. So, here goes.
Once upon a time, in Middle Earth, a Hobbit named Frodo went on a quest to destroy the One Ring that would rule them all… Err. Well. Okay, different ring.
A cock ring is a blood-flow restrictor for the penis. Cock rings are the original penis-enlargement procedures. So, for starters, there’s the size-increasing bonus plan that the rings provide. The real benefit, though, comes in the fact that the trapped blood causes the penis to require more stimulation in order to come. (And when you do come, one word: gusher.)
What does that result in? More playtime (for most men — read on). A longer-lasting, new, improved loverman with a harder cock and the ability to go for a little while longer. It’s a great toy, particularly for those wanting more marathonish experiences in the bedroom.
How does it work? Simple. A cock ring wraps around the very base of the shaft (with or without the testicles, depending on the type/size of ring used), which traps blood in the upper regions of the cock. If you want a see-for-yourself experiment, just wrap an elastic band around your finger. If you find the right amount of snugness, not only does your finger get a little larger and a little stubbier, it can also get more sensitive to touch. (Which is problematic for premature ejaculators, who may not be able to handle a cock ring, but there are men who are less sensitive, too, with cock rings, so it’s a user-specific experience.)
If you’re a guy and you’re nervous about putting on a cock ring and then imploding sooner than you want to, then I suggest trying it out during your Sunday morning masturbation routine as you get to know Jenna Jameson a little better, or something.
Now, I don’t know about using a hair scrunchy in the Loverman-Improvement-Plan, but go on ahead and try it, if that’s all you got kickin’ around the house tonight. Finding the right cock ring can be a challenge, since too much restraint can cause injury to the bad boy, and too tight a ring might prove a bitch to get removed.
(Just imagine that visit to the hospital emergency room, eh?)
Cock rings come in all sizes and any number of different materials and designs. You can get a nice leather strap with a clasp, very adjustable, and very safe, and every bit as good as any other ring. You can get a leather strap with a number of snaps on it, allowing for any number of girths, also a great, safe approach.
You can get metal rings, plastic rings, rubber rings, and they all need to often be sized for your shaft’s width. A little trickier, I’m afraid. You can get funky ones with mini vibes attached that offer clitoral stimulation during the sex act.
It really comes down to your personal style and what just feels right for you. Some rings are all flash, and that’s fine, but it’s pretty unnecessary. Some rings are a feat of engineering since they have elaborate designs that can do everything from tugging and restraining the balls to clamping off the shaft, and even clamping your nipples at the same time. Clearly the latter design’s for those who’ve ridden all the smaller rides in the park and are looking for a little more bang for the buck.
Experts recommend that a cock ring shouldn’t be too tight (for seemingly obvious reasons) and shouldn’t be left on for more than 20 minutes, definitely not more than 30. Now you’re thinking, “well, why not apply it during the act and really prolong our experience?” Nice thinking, but a guy’s got to be flaccid or only semi-hard to apply these bad boys.
If it’s a new experience for you, don’t use metal rings. It’s advisable to use adjustable or stretchable cockrings, since this is one experience you don’t want to have go bad because you’re bad at judging your size.
Cock Ring Emergencies: You got ballsy and decided to try a metal cock ring, and now it’s stuck ‘cos your billy stick got too big to remove the bastard? Fill the tub with COLD water and sit in it. In a couple minutes you’ll be happier about experiencing shrinkage than you’ve ever been, and you should be able to get it off. If not, you’re going to the emergency room, kids.
Cheap tricks: Why pay $20 for three rubber cock rings when you can spend $3 at a hardware store for the same product, sans packaging and spin?
Wanna read some guys’ accounts of using cock rings? Go here.

Harrass this, you PC bastards

When I recently whored myself for more topics, Grover Flanagan asked this:

Ooh! Ooh! I’ve got one! A new girl just started at work. She’s either as tall or just a bit taller than I am, cute as hell, and built like a brick house. (what a winning hand!) I’ve introduced myself, but have no idea where else to go from here. Afraid I’d be far too obvious (never been Mr. Subtle) if I tried to strike up any further conversation.
How about some do’s and don’t’s on workplace flirtation in this harrassment-sensitive age.

Oh, boy. Harrassment.
Could there be any greater reason why less people than ever before are getting laid? What are we to do without the always-fun office fuck? My God! As if dating was hard before, now there’s this bullshit to contend with? Why not just thrust us all into fucking monasteries and nunneries and leave it at that? Jesus.
Harrassment laws have their place, but why in the hell has zero-tolerance had to enter the equation? What the fuck is wrong with “Hey, wanna get a drink tonight?”
Nothing, says I. Fuck that shit.
I say you ought to just ask the woman for a drink. I think there’s nothing wrong with asking. It’s what happens after the asking that’s the issue.
If she says no, then you back off. If she says yes, then when you’re on the date you need to guage how it’s going and have an actual conversation about your attraction to her before you proceed with anything physical. You need to talk about what will be the fall-out at the office and how you need to deal with each other in that environment as opposed to outside of the office.
So, asking, not a problem. It’s everything after that which complicates matters. Is there a no dating policy in the workplace? No? Then that’s a good first step. If there is, then you’ll need to learn to keep your mouth shut about things, won’t you?
Since there’s a million ways that part of the scenario can go, I won’t even go there.
Fact is, the workplace offers a lot of insights into people that we don’t normally get exposed to until far further in the relationship — insights that might’ve been a dealbreaker or dealmaker if we’d known of them earlier in the game.
Do they get grumpy easily? Do their moods flip like a fish out of water? Do they buckle under stress? Are they curt and offensive when they’re having a bad moment? Have they always got a smile, regardless of the adversity they face? Are they thoughtful and generous?
But back to the question of harrassment. I think most people in society are pretty cool with knowing what constitutes harrassment and what doesn’t. Personally, I always enjoyed pushing the envelope back when I was in an office. I’d occasionally let a dirty joke slip or might’ve made a comment about a blowjob to a male coworker, just to see what the reaction would be. And it never got the kind of reaction I suspected, and never caused issues. So while the laws may be strict on paper, the reality is that people tend to be a little more flexible. This will vary workplace to workplace, but it comes down to the same babysteps most adventures require: Start small, and if it’s received well, take a slightly larger step.
You seem like a pretty perceptive kinda guy, so I’d just run with that and see where it gets you. Fuck the rules.

The Guide to Turning Them Off

We’ve all been there. Someone approaches us at a party, their eyes go all neon “F-u-c-k   m-e,   p-l-e-a-s-e.” They hang onto us. They flirt. They harass. Most importantly, they annoy. Oh, fuck, do they annoy.
And sometimes it seems that no matter how you try, they just don’t get the fucking hint.
Maybe you need to actively cause them to be disinterested in you. Here are some tried and true methods:

  • Whenever they try to make you laugh, snort. Loudly.
  • Every time he says something about his life, say, “Oh, my ex-boyfriend did that, too. Funny.” Sigh, shake your head, and insert negative factoid, ie: “I still have the restraining order.”
  • The all-time “a”-list: Spill your drink on them, and don’t offer to help clean it up. (Give yourself 5 points if you’ve spilled your drink on someone you actually liked, and still managed to seduce them for that first time that very same night. Fun, huh?)
  • Roll your eyes. Often. Dramatically. And if you need more, scoff quietly and shake your head after you roll your eyes. Snicker if necessary.
  • Men, you can just simply stare at her breasts. Paste a little grin on and just look at the twins, and every time she asks you a question, stay with the twins and just nod or shake your head, still grinning. Warning: This approach could incur the wrath of the slap.
  • Girls, you can just look at his crotch, gush, and say, “Aww. It looks so cute. Reminds me of my brother.”
  • Lean into them, sniff, and say, “What’s that smell?” Just like grade school? Yep! And just as fun!
  • Mention casually that, “My therapist wants to increase our sessions, and maybe my meds, too.” Now twitch.
  • Cock your head to the side and ask, “Have you been saved yet?” (My favourite answer: “No, just discounted.”)
  • Query them, “Do I smell funny to you? I’ve been having a persistent personal odour issue, and I’m hoping I may have finally found a remedy.”
  • “Did you know that your aura has three sub-categories?”
  • And there’s always my favourite, the classic “Fuck you. Now go away.”
_______________

It’s a shame that more people don’t have fun actively causing the opposite sex to be disinterested. It’s really quite enjoyable. Plus, you save them the hassle of being interested in you. Life’s easier for all, and you get the fun therapy that comes from being a blatant dick/twat for a limited time.
What more can you really ask for?

Reader Conundrum: The 30+ Year-Old Virgin

I had an email from a woman who wanted to remain anonymous.

“So how is the world with a virgin on the other side of 30? How virgin you may ask? Too! I haven’t even had a kiss since highschool so…. Am I going to end up a lost cause? I don’t even know how to formulate my question, what exactly it is.”

-Always Alone

I once wrote, “Getting published is like getting laid. Anyone can do it if they set their sites low enough.”
Getting laid ain’t hard. So that’s not your problem. Your problem is that you want to be laid by someone with standards.
My readers are probably wondering, “Man, bet she’s a dog.” No! I got a picture of this girlie, and she’s cute. A little makeup, some cute, revealing clothes, and a night on the town might be all it takes.
But being over 30 and a virgin and unkissed for so damned long, A.A., you’re probably filled with apprehensions about getting involved — and a whole lot of insecurities.
The thing about dating that gets forgotten is that it’s just about meeting new people. Today, it’s easier than ever. I wrote a rant about e-dating, but the dating itself has been pretty good. None of it has been painful or emotionally distressing. There’ve been some real pieces of work, this is true, but as a whole, it’s not bad. When it doesn’t work out, you walk away. That’s it.
So what’s holding you back? Confidence? Inability to meet new people? The way you dress? I’m not a fly on the wall and my crystal ball’s on the fritz.
If what you wore in the photos is a typical day out for you, you need to update and get some digs that better suit your body, and the colour grey don’t work on you. Have someone help you buy trendy clothes. Ditch those jeans you had on and get some with spandex in ‘em and wider legs that bring your hips into proportion — it’s more slimming, and much more stylish. A lower cut actually makes you seem taller and flatters your ass, too.
Get some nice cute shirts that are at least as low-cut as the v-neck shirt you wore, but get bright, fun colours that will have you be noticed. Personally, I was always opposed to things like hot pink, but I went and got me some snazzy pink and lime green clothes last season and have been really surprised at the interest they create just walking past men on the sidewalk. Get daring.
If confidence is the issue, join a gym. You might think, “Oh, I’ll join a girls’ gym–” WRONG. Yes, gyms are meat markets, but that’s what you want! It’s not that bad. You don’t have to wear makeup. Just have cute workout clothes and do your thing. You might even find you enjoy catching those sly corner-of-the-eye glances that come your way. Every now and then, a little objectifying does a girl some good. Besides, strong women feel sexy.
Another great idea for confidence is to join Toastmasters International, a public speaking organization, so you can brush up your courage for talking to strange men.
As for the question about being a virgin and whether there’s any hope, goddamned right there is. There are men who specifically do not want virgins. They want experienced lovers. Oh, well. There are also men who’ll get excited at the prospect at defrocking a woman, especially since the notion of finding another virgin when they’re also in their 30s is pretty much something that’ll get them a visit from the law enforcement.
Try to ditch your inhibitions. Do little things like forcing yourself to make eye contact with men at the supermarket. Smile at one hot new guy per day. Be brazen and start the occasional conversation. And when you feel you’ve made a big step like just talking to some random attractive man on the street, make sure you pat yourself on the back.
But most importantly, try the e-dating. It’s the easiest, most opportune way to get your face out in the world, especially since you’ve told me you live close to “a major city”. And if it’s something like Lavalife, you can post a profile for free. Write yourself a revealing, open profile and include a photo on your profile. You don’t need to publically disclose you’re a virgin, but you’ll have to do so at some point. You do want to say something like, “Looking for a lover who can and will teach me in the bedroom.” You can call yourself “an inexperienced, but willing to learn, lover.” And realize that if you write the profile well enough, you make it revealing enough, and you have a nice photo up there, you will get a LOT of responses. Then, it’s all up to how you handle things.
Hell, if you want, send a profile you’ve written about yourself to me in email and I’ll help you polish it up all sexy-vixen like. Trust me, I’m effective. 😉 We’ll report back to the readers about your progress in a couple months.
Meet guys for a coffee. Don’t let the “online chatting” thing drag past a week. That’s just a waste of your time. All it takes is an hour to meet for coffee and you’ll know if he’s worth pursuing.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” The quote is from Oscar Wilde, and it’s as true as true gets.
Personally, I’m a little overweight. I’m not some sexy vixen non-pareil. I’m cute, I’m fun, and I’m a little larger than life both physically and personality-wise. But I’ve got confidence and I’ve got a great grasp of innuendo. I may not be every man’s cup of tea, but I’m surprised by how many men would indeed like a sip of me — and that’s because my personality’s infectious and I got a dirty grin. There was a time when I thought it was all about hip size, and the more outgoing I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized how untrue that is. Trust me, I went through a dark age in my mid-20s and my self-esteem bottomed right out. In the last couple years, I’ve put all of the above to work for myself and I’ve really enjoyed the outcome, despite still looking for The One.
So, learn to dig yourself. Dress yourself in a new, brazen way, and force yourself to make daily baby steps. Smile at men. Play with innuendo. Start touching their arms when you talk to them. Sit closer to the men you’re around. Take a risk and get on the ‘net for e-dating. But love yourself. Get past the insecurities that are holding you back from being the effusive, sexy woman you know lives deep down inside ya.
And then maybe you’ll happen on a brave new world of satisfaction and sexuality. Good luck on the voyage. 😉

Anyone got anything to add to this advice for AA?

The Man's Guide to Cunnilingus: Part 4

This is part four in my opus on cunnilingus.
Part one is here, part two is here, and part three is here.
Tackling a lover orally can be quite different for the two sexes, not just for the obvious reasons.
As far as I’ve been able to discern, sucking dick’s the same no matter how you approach it. Sure, it might be a little different upside-down, but it doesn’t seem to change matters that much.
Can the boys weigh in on this and correct me if I’m wrong? I have that slight problem of being dickless, hence clueless on that aspect.
Chicks, though… We’re a sensation wonderland. Every way you turn us, move us, the feel’s different.
Think about it. A penis and vagina go together like a puzzle. The negative space in a cunt accomodates a dick perfectly. This is why it’s so fun to play together.
But that said, every bit of internal female plumbing has different reactions to stimulation. The back end of the vagina responds differently from the front end. The vulvic walls create a space within them that’s similar to an hour-glass, but with a longish fold similar to sliding your hand between the pillows of a couch, all mixed together. That means that entry from different angles creates different sensations — never mind our perineum, our clit, our ass, or any of those other happy places we’d often like you to make yourself at home with.
Fingering a chick with your fingers turned sideways, like a key entering a keyhole, flicking them against the opposing walls, this feels a world different that entering her with your fingers turned wide for the entry, since it causes more sensation a little higher up on the walls (thanks to that extra width up top) and stimulates both sides of the vaginal walls at the same time. Like I said, a very different feeling.
Slanting your fingers so they hit the front or the back also changes our reactions.
Then there’s having us move into different positions that allow different areas to receive sensation — such as propping a chick up with pillows.
You might not ever understand all the ways a chick can respond differently to sensation, since it’s all “hidden in there,” but at the very least, you can appreciate it and keep it in mind.
There are a few basic approaches you can take when performing cunnilingus.

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Front & Centre: This is your standard approach, as illustrated in the beautiful photo provided to me by Daniel & Sabrina at Tell Your Sex Story.
This position can be attained by being on the bed between her legs, or by you approaching when kneeling on the floor in front of the bed, or as illustrated in part three, you could even have her lying on a table table as you take the comfortable position of sitting on a chair before the table. I did say “dining,” didn’t I?
Lying on a bed may be routine, but it’s my favourite position. I love just lying there and relaxing as a guy has his way with me because it really allows me to enjoy the experience.
Also, although it may seem like a boring, conservative position, it’s actually the most flexible one. You or she can manipulate her body into a variety of different positions stemming from this basic one. Every way you move or angle her legs will vary the sensation slightly. Play with this. This also allows easy access to every single erogenous zone on her body since only her back is out of play.
And don’t forget, it also allows for you to use your nose on the clit, as I detailed in part three, something that most of the other moves do not permit.

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Down & Dirty: From the most flexible position, we go to the least flexible one. An interesting alternative, this one’s a very sensational feeling, but it’s also very emotionally detached, which can compromise some of the intensity for some of the chicks. And as mentioned, it’s very limited in scope.
You’re essentially eating her backwards from behind. Slide two pillows, at least, under her midsection so her derriere’s in the air, which gives you access. This is a really different sensation for the chick since the tongue reaches internal areas it can’t usually reach, essentually angling back towards the cervix, and against the back wall, instead of against the front wall.
The negatives to this approach are as follows: One, a total lack of eye contact. Two, no ability to stimulate all her upper-body erogenous zones, from her mons to her breasts and neck. Yes, it’s a great sensation, but unless she asks to have an entire session done this way, make sure you bring other positioning into play.

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Sideways: This one’s great, and as mentioned, it’s one of the myriad ways you can adapt the Front & Centre approach. All you need do is lie beside her, on your side. Have her drape a leg over your torso — the leg depends on what hand you favour. For example, if you’re a rightie, you want to lie on your left side, so your right hand is at your ready and able to join the fun. Her left leg, then, will simply drape over your right hip.
Your head will be parallel to the bed as you enter her with your tongue. For greater control, you can stretch your left arm (again, if you’re a rightie) out and under her right thigh, and use your hand to pry her fleshy inner thighs back. Digging your tongue in as deep as possible is a real bonus with this approach.
Your tongue enters her sideways, so when you’re flicking and darting, you can favour one side of her vulva over the other or go back and forth, batting your tongue against each wall rhythmically. You can wag side to side or do the classic “around-the-world” movement, all of which works nicely.
A really arousing trick is to lightly rub your upper front teeth’s edges against her labia as you dart and delve into her. It’s a nice multilayered feeling and I guarantee it’ll get her riled.
With your right hand free, and with more of her upper vagina exposed thanks to your head being sideways, you can really work with both her clit and her breasts with your dominant hand.
Done correctly, this can be a really stimulating series of moves, and could possibly cause her to climax sooner than you want. Watch for her leg pressing heavily down on your hips — but she might be doing this to tighten all the regional muscles to get more bang from your buck, so also pay attention to breathing, gasping, et al.
Don’t forget, you do have flexibility with your indominant hand, as well, if you want to find a creative way to toy with her with both hands.

Girls, if your man’s stretched out at your side, don’t forget to stroke his cock, or just hold it firmly if your concentration’s too affected. Using your thumb to rub up against that delicate sensation wonderland under his penis tip, the frenulum, will get him more aroused and might increase the intensity of his oral work — if that’s what you want. But stroking is a really nice touch and lets him know you want to appease him as much as he wants to do so for you.

Upsidedown: This is essentially a 69 — le soixante-neuf — position. She straddles your face with her face being down over your cock. The moves for each player are pretty limited, and I should think fairly obvious. If you’re making the night about her, this is probably not the way to go.
Why? Personally, I enjoy the odd 69, but I’d rather not be distracted while giving or receiving oral. I tend to have a very hard time focusing on the matters at hand — or tongue, as the case tends to be — when I’m being pleasured. If you want a subpar blowjob, then that’s your call, right? And I’m down with that. I just realize my limitations, that’s all. I suspect most chicks feel this way, but I know it’s not universal.
I think guys need to appreciate that the mechanics of fellatio are more complicated than cunnilingus is. You can lie there and let your tongue do the work for you, but we have to do the head-bobbing thing and focus on your lower shaft, et al. It’s a physically more demanding task. It’s complicated business, and those of us (like me) with ADHD and such might not be able to function well under the dichotomy of the much-vaunted 69. Just keep that in mind when you’re comparing notes with oral performances of the past.

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Mounted: This is when she sits on your face. This position is almost fetishistic in a way since so many guys seem to love the notion of a chick straddling their face. And why not? You open your eyes and her tits are hanging over your face.
It doesn’t allow her to really relax and enjoy the experience, though, so I think that while it can be fun in bursts, it shouldn’t be a long-sustained position. It’s hard on a woman’s thighs and calves, and can be hard on her lower back, as well. That said, it does allow for a deeper probing with a man’s tongue, and god knows that’s not something to complain about.

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The Rearguard: This is another position where you will be on your side. It’s a reverse-69, basically. If you’re a rightie, you’re on your left side, and vice versa. The difference this time is that she’s also on her side, with her back to you. You want her to lean back into your body, and your body is to lean forward into hers a little, so you both support each other and it allows her to rest more comfortably. You want her to prop her upper leg up and over your torso. It’ll probably drape over you just under your armpit, so you’ll have to have your dominant arm resting over her leg. Make sure her lower leg is bent, with her knee pulled up towards her a little. This gives you more room, stretches her vagina a bit to tighten it and give added sensation upon entry, and also stabilizes her more.
This position allows you to enter her from behind, and allows you better access to toying with her perineum by nuzzling it with your chin as you work her over with your mouth. That’s the beauty of this pose is that it’s the only one that really allows you unparalleled access to her whole vagina and her entire body, granting you the ability to stimulate anything, anywhere. Plus, you get the added nice sensation of having your cock against her back for that extra bit of intimacy.
Your indominant arm, unfortunately, will be in an awkward position and won’t be able to do a whole heck of a lot other than maybe stroking her inner thigh. You could always give her lower foot a massage, though, and it’s an intimate way to cater to her as you continue lapping her.
(You can reverse this position for a front-on-front sideways 69 as well. Backwards, it frees her from obligation, though. Frontwards, it allows you to delve in towards the cervix, so both ways has its advantages. Personally, I prefer this method of 69, since I find it easier to perform in. It might be interesting to hear your opinions on this matter, though. )

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It should go without saying that positioning is a pretty important factor. If she can’t get comfortable, she may not be able to come. Make sure she’s able to relax in the position she’s in. Check in with her during the process from time to time.
Remember all the tips from the previous three postings: Use your hands as much as possible, use your nose when you can, use your teeth, vary your pressure & rhythm, et al. Read the preceding postings, if you haven’t already.