What should’ve been a six month relationship stretched into seven years because of ex-sex. Every time T. and I broke up (let’s just say it didn’t take a blue moon), we’d encounter each other socially since we ran in the same circles, and next thing you’d know, we’d be up against a private wall or back at his place.
For a time, maybe four or five weeks, it’d be incredible. We’d hook up at 10, 11, 12 at night and just do what we did, what we did so goddamned well, until I always invariably left him just before sunrise for my long drive home.
(God, I loved those sunrise home stretches. I still remember that spent but relaxed drive with quality alone time and music, hitting that curve in the highway where the sun would be rising behind Mount Baker, glimmering over the distant ocean.)
But then we’d somehow fall back into the pattern of passion and caring for each other, and next thing you know, we’d be “an item.”
Then it’d all start falling apart all over again. The deconstruction would never take more than three or four months, usually less.
The funny thing was, when it was just sex, we were more there for each other. We’d have these really passionate conversations before and after. We’d lay there on his roof under the stars and talk about anything from poetry and film to philosophy and science. We could really count on each other emotionally, even if only in conversation.
Then convention would enter the picture and we’d start measuring ourselves against this perceived idea of sex and romance, we’d start getting jealous or bitter towards each other, and we’d crumble with a vengeance.
“That” guy, in those four or five blissful weeks, was a guy I thought I could be with for decades. He’s one of the primary reasons I’m as articulate and well-written as I am. He was a huge influence on me intellectually, and those nights of lying in bed, climaxing, then conversing… I’m not sure I’ve ever had such a dually pleasurable experience. Getting off physically, then intellectually… that’s really unbeatable.
And that’s what ex-sex can offer: a pared-down version of a relationship, where all you’ve really got is the intimacy. With that intimacy, tends, in my experience, to come a kind of simplicity that often gets lost in everyday relationships. Once you step out of the narrow confinces of ex-sex, relationships get bogged down with mundanities that tend to incite conflict or apathy. It’s a shame, but that’s how it often works, since that’s usually what killed it the first time around.
I love ex-sex. I love how right that wrong always feels. So goddamned right.
Hell, I want a longterm boyfriend right now just so I can break up with him and then crawl right back. I wouldn’t be the only one crawlin’, I assure you. That prolonged denial followed by incredible satiating… Always a wonderful thing.
So, I’m wondering what your ex-sex experiences were. Come on. You know you’ve had ‘em. After all, there’s nothing quite like being surprised with the familiar. There’s something great about ex-sex, just like going home again. It’s warm, cozy, moist, and good, and you already know it’s a failure, so you don’t need to worry about perfection or how it shakes down the next day, right?
So tell me about your experiences. Emotionally, did you find it easier? Did it seem more honest, less forced? More detached? Meaningless, even? Intimate? Better than it was during peacetime? Were you hurt? Did you care? Was it fun? How did it reignite? Did they push for more? Did you get back together? How did it get complicated, and did that end it? And whatever else occurs to you.
Sexual Q&A: What's so hot about that?
A male reader emailed me to ask me what it is that men find so hot about the stockings-‘n-panties look. I said, “Can’t help you! I’m a girl!”
So, boys, what’s the deal? Does it get you riled, too? Can you pinpoint why?
Me, if I was a guy, it’d likely be the whole Meg Ryan panties’n’tank top look that’d get me hot, and it’s been that way with some of the guys I’ve been with. Hell, I don’t even need to be a guy to find that hot. It bothers me when neighbour chicks across the way wander their apartments that way. Can’t help but watch.
So, let’s hear it. And, girls, what about you? You partial to either?
Sexual Q&A: It's a gusher! Ejaculation ethics
This is a MONSTER post. It’s a monster topic. I’m hoping to provoke a lot of discussion and will leave this front and centre for a couple days.
Recently, an anonymous poster asked about the notion of “facials.” IE: Ejaculating on a lover’s face during the act.
I had a conversation with my friend GayBoy about this not too long ago, since I was interested in his perspective on the matter after he’d posted a fun photo on his blog and I’d made a comment, and when we were walking around town later in the week, he began taunting my apprehensions. The discussion that followed was interesting, so I’ve actually thought a lot about this in the last few weeks and am excited to have the opportunity to open what I hope will be a very interesting dialogue between us all.
You should read anonymous’s original question here, since it’s too long to quote. It’s the 3rd comment down.
STEFF RESPONDS:
Facials are a huge topic, in my view, when it comes to the difference between man/woman and man/man relationships.
GayBoy told me how seeing cum on the face of a lover is very, very arousing, and that it’s quite popular in the gay community. I sort of understood this and I can even kind of see the male mentality as to why it’s hot.
But then it becomes a man/woman issue, and I think there’s groundwork I need to lay down before I can really get to the heart of Anon’s Q.
I don’t talk about feminism on either of my blogs. I don’t feel I should have to talk about it. I’m a strong, sassy chick filled with independence and verve. I don’t “need” a man, never have. I’m not interested in marriage, I don’t want kids, and I’ll never, ever allow myself to depend financially on the dick in my life. Period.
That said, there’s no reason why that should impede my love for men, my appreciation of all they bring to my life. Most of my friends are male, in fact.
I don’t think gender needs to complicate matters, and I’m never vindictive or mean towards men just because they’ve got cocks and a different minset than me. Women who do behave in that manner are bitches, not feminists, and I resent being lumped in with them.
I’m not an “equality” seeker because I think there are definitely things men do better than women and vice versa. I’d rather have my life saved by a male firefighter than a female, and I don’t give a fuck what that may or may not make me seem in the eyes of certain females. That said, I absolutely feel equal in the bedroom, if not superior.
As a woman, sex can be very, very empowering. Knowing more about what to do and how to do it, how to elicit the reactions I want, and how to leave a man gasping, all these things have given me power, not stripped it from me. It has given me more respect in my relationships, regardless of what the media seems to think about sexy women, because the men in my life have loved that I’m willing to do what it takes to bring them incredible pleasure.
But given that I have such strong opinions about being respected and appreciated and having my boundaries known and adhered to by my lovers means I also have strong opinions on things like facials.
First, though, is the issue of equality. Again, I’ve said I’m not interested in equality per se, but when it comes to facials and cumming on your female lover’s body, there IS NO EQUALIZER.
There is nothing — NOTHING — a woman can do to a man that will be on that level. There is nothing we can do to “mark” you, to display our ownership of you. The most we can do is leave a lipstick ring on your cock, and that simply adds to your sensation of dominating and conquering, instead of giving us some semblance of that ownership — which is what the psychological payback is for a man when they cum on a lover’s face.
“That’s my cum. Her face. Mine. All mine.”
You can justify it or idealize it any way you want, but that’s essentially how it boils down. It’s simply more objectification. It’s more of us females being under the male thumb, in theory.
(Bear with me, you might be surprised what I have to say in the end. I’ll get there soon.)
As women, we’re constantly objectified. Whether it’s a car advertisement or in porn, here in North America, we’re constantly made to feel as though we’re sex objects and seldom anything but. Maybe it’s because you can’t stop looking at our tits when you talk to us, or the leering glances we get wandering the streets. Maybe it’s that we’re always on our knees sucking your cock in porn videos when the reality is that we’re usually at your level, lying on a bed, or even hovering over you as we perform fellatio.
When I do my posts for this dirty little bloggie, I often scan through endless pathetically stereotypical porn shots in my quest for the classy fine art nudes you see before you. It works out to maybe one photo found for every 100-200 I see. So much of the porn I see has women almost being victimized and seeming to enjoy it. How fucking ludicrous. I love watching people have sex (and here’s a fine example from my other blog). I hate porn. Do the math.
Many of the shots I find in my quest for images include women looking thrilled that some huge glob of spunk is streaming down her face, like she just won the fucking lottery or something. “Oh, for me?! You shouldn’t have, you sweetie!”
The reality is the opposite. Yeah, there are women who dig it, absolutely. And power to you, babe, if that’s what you’re into. Whatever. I’m down with kinks. But there are also chicks and guys who want to be pissed on, people who want to literally eat shit as part of the sexual experience, people who are into degradation as a means of heightening the experience. And that cup of tea just ain’t right for a large segment of people. Straight up.
It bothers me — profoundly — that there’s still so much stereotypical degradation and filth attached to sex. It bothers me that my site with these tasteful nude shots and this graduation towards the sensual and the erotic is somehow “exceptional” and not the norm. Why the fuck not? Why can’t THIS be hot? Why can’t THIS be the norm?
So you need to understand that ME, my personal reluctance to having a man cum on my face is NOT preceded by hangups and weaknesses. It’s because I’m just not wanting to feel that way — to feel owned. I don’t want to be consciously reminded that there is no equalizer for me when you cum on my face. I’m not interested in being further objectified in the bedroom.
BUT…
That said… in a relationship with a man I dig, a man I love, a man I want to please to no end, yes, I might let it happen. (Although I’d rather not.)
It is something that should be discussed, I think. But when that moment arises, when he’s about to cum, he doesn’t really need to ask my permission before he does it. However, he better fucking well understand that it’s for him, that it’s something I do because I want him to feel like I’m willing to go to any length to see him pleasured. Because I am willing.
I will not point it out and say, “Look what I’m willing to do for you.” That sort of self-martyrizing is bullshit and it’s manipulation. It has no business in the bedroom or in any relationship in your life. PERIOD.
He’s a man, an adult, and he should just understand it. Most will.
A casual one-night stand and he cums on my face? I’m glad he came, because now he’s gone. Done like dinner, man. You don’t get that privilege if you’re some fuck-n-go contributor to my evening’s hijinks. Like I say, I’m not promiscuous, I’m not a casual sex fan, but that’s not to say it hasn’t happened. It sure as hell has, but my boundaries are different in casual sex. In a relationship, there’s so much more I’m willing to do for him.
In YOUR relationship, Mr. Anonymous, I say go for it. Have the conversation. But your question is, how?
With great difficulty, that’s how. There’s no way you’re going to ever feel comfortable or at ease asking about such a complex sexual favour, not being the liberated and caring man you clearly sound like you are. But in a good relationship, you need to take those risks. It’s those risks that lead you to that higher sexual consciousness that really brings home the thrill of connecting deeply with your lover.
But you knew that. It’s why you’ve asked.
You state that you have previously accidentally shot your load on her face and it’s made you feel horrible yet aroused. I suspect that part of the arousal for men is the knowledge, deep down, that there’s absolutely no fucking need to shoot cum on a face. We love the forbidden, and that’s not a trait exclusive to either sex, so I can understand that mentality. It’s why I’m willing to indulge a man I care for.
But you’ve done it already, like I just stated. So do it again, “accidentally,” but next time, follow it with conversation. Apologize. Tell her you’re sorry it landed where it did. Tell her to wait there. Go get a nice, warm, wet handtowel and a dry towel, and gently, lovingly clean her face as you tell her again that it was unintentional. Wash her face, dry it off, but continue the conversation as you do.
Be on your knees, bedside, eye-level as you speak with her. Being on your knees is like a psychological act of submission, it will speak louder than you can imagine.
Ask her to forgive you. She may stop you then and there and say it’s okay. Problem solved. Maybe she doesn’t speak because she wants to see what you say next — which is probably how I’d respond — not at all, yet.
So, then, you want to lower your voice as if confessing and just tell her that although it fills you with shame and strangeness, that the sight of your spunk on her face did something primal to you, but that the shame and guilt almost negate that arousal. Then you just simply ask. There’s no way to really word it or phrase it so it’s easy to say.
What I’d maybe try to say is something along the lines of, “Look, I feel awful about just doing that, but it really turned me on. I don’t ever want to subject you to feeling like you’re just some plaything of mine, but if you’d ever indulge me and just let me do that to you without all this emotional baggage I’m feeling right now, I don’t think I could even tell you how amazingly turned on and indebted I’d feel to you. You don’t have to answer me now, but think about it, and if you’d be willing… my god. I can’t imagine the pleasure you would give me… I’d be putty in your hands.”
If a guy said something like that to me, and I understood that he realized what he was asking of me, I’d never say no.
Conversely, “Honey, you’re so hot with my spunk chunks on your face. Can I do that again next Friday?” is probably going to kill your chances. But you knew that. 😉
In summary? I’m not a fan of ever getting cummed on. Period. I understand that in the give-and-take world of sex, it’s to be expected. I understand what it does to my lovers when they’re able to see their secretions on me.
As fucked up as I sort of think it is, I just make my peace with the fact that it’s one of those male things that I, as an open-minded but middle-of-the-road chick, will probably always be slightly baffled by.
But that’s all right. Both sexes have their mysteries and intrigues, but it’s communication and reaching understandings that close those gaps between us. Sometimes, it requires doing something you think is out of your safety zone. Sometimes, the things we think are depowering us and leaving us cloaked in filth or what have you will actually wind up strengthening the relationship in ways nothing else could.
Sometimes, allowing your partner to “violate” your boundaries is the kindest, most loving thing to do.
And I understand that and accept it. That’s what sex is.
Maybe I’m the exception, maybe I’m the feminist chick who just doesn’t want to be cummed on, but I suspect there are other chicks out there who feel the same and that they are a majority. I’d love to hear the female POV on this — and I know the male readers are probably thrilled to have this discussion opened up.
So, chicks, what page are you on? How does it make you feel? Is it a respect thing? Is it a disgusting thing? Does it turn you on? Do you think I’ve overthought it? Have I missed anything? How could a guy convince you it’s something you should do? Or CAN he convince you?
Guys, is it something you wish your woman would allow more of? Does she already allow it? Do you care if she does? Has the issue ever changed a relationship on you? If you’re a gay male, how all-encompassing is this behaviour? Does it arouse you? Do YOU have issues with getting a cumshot in the face? Why? Why not?
Sexual Q & A: Twofer on Masturbation & Lovers' Age Differences
Anonymous wants to know about masturbating in front of a partner.
What about it? Should you do it? Is it cool? Is it freaky? I don’t know specifically what you’re asking, so let’s tackle it all.
STEFF RESPONDS:
No question. Do it. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating for your partner. In fact, I encourage you to. As mentioned by one of my sensational readers earlier last week, it can help you show your partner how your erogenous zones respond to stimulation.
Fact is, we all get off in different ways. Everyone likes a little somethin’ different.
The question is, though, are women as open to watching men masturbate as men are to watching chicks? I can’t answer that. I think women should be, though.
Chicks are raised with this mentality that the male member’s super-sensitive and can’t handle rough treatment. Every chick has had the experience where she’s sat between her boyfriend’s legs to watch TV and accidentally crushed the crown jewels, inciting a pained reaction from the boy in question.
We’re left with this image of cocks being ubersensitive all the time. I wonder, then, how many chicks don’t put all they’ve got into giving a guy a handjob. How hard is too hard to squeeze? How rough can you go? Do most chicks know?
I’ve got a pretty good idea. I’ve often done the mutual masturbation thing and it’s been very illuminating.
Watching a guy jack off can be enlightening, then, for most women. Particularly in that she can just learn from his moves, just like I did. I could spout off about it, but every chick needs to experience it themselves. I scoff at the notion of a guy passing up the opportunity to not only watch a chick masturbate, but to shadow the experience. No guy I’ve ever known has balked.
Guys watching chicks? Abso-fucking-lutely. The female organ’s a true mystery, even to us chicks. Me, if I masturbate, it’s quick and dirty and I move on. It’s a clit thing for me. There are times when the Energizer bunny comes in to play, but most of the time, it’s fingers, fast and furious, and I’m outta there.
Other chicks might read that and think, “What, are you male or something?” It’s a world of difference for each of us.
Absolutely reach out and touch yourself for your lover. Angle yourselves across the bed from each other and mutually stimulate yourselves for each other’s pleasure. Make lots of eye contact, but also watch what it is they’re doing to themselves. Keep the lights on. Turn them down if you need a mood, light some candles and such, but make sure you’ve got visibility, and put aside your bodily insecurities so you can really capitalize on the opportunity to let them see how you make yourself cum.
Education always, always, always improves sex. The more your lover knows about you, the more pleasure you’ll receive. End of story.
What are your thoughts on the matter, folks?
Next on the platter…
Chunu wants to know where I stand on older and younger lovers.
STEFF RESPONDS:
Never really gone out with an older lover. They’ve always been around my age, maybe two-three years older. Younger, though, there’s been a lot of. When I was 27, I was with a 21-year-old for awhile and that was a good time, but it was mostly me teaching him things. Having the opposite be true would be a delight for a change.
I’m not sure why I’ve gravitated towards younger men. Probably because I’ve got a really zippy, youthful personality and I’m a playful, playful girl.
Men with mortgages and baggage daunt me. I’m not into the whole complicated lifestyle thing. I like my life simple and easy, and younger guys seem to be on that page. I also enjoy the exuberance.
Am I, however, opposed to older lovers? No, not at all. In fact, I’m interested in seeing what I’m missing. There’s something to be said for a guy who’s been married, has had the ball and chain, and has moved on from it all, gained from the claustrophobia of it, and is living life to the fullest after it all. I’d love more worldly, experienced, darker men in my life, men who’ve been through shit and know when to appreciate simplicity… like I now do.
Another knock against younger men is that I have NEVER been able to persuade one to learn Tantric sex with me. I don’t understand the hesitation, and there’s nothing I desire to learn more right now than the fine art of Tantra.
I’d love to hook up with a guy around 40 and see what it is he can show me. I’d be wild about the notion of hooking up with a man already schooled in Tantra. I suspect some older men have a lot they can bring to the bed, and like I say, I love an educated man.
The older man thing? It’s simply never happened to work out. I’ve even had dates planned with older guys and they always fall through ‘cos of some emergency with their kids or whatever the fuck it is that happens. And it just constantly reminds me that older men come with a lot of complications…
Complications that just don’t accommodate my lifestyle.
If only that weren’t the case.
And what about you, folks? You have a preference between older and younger lovers? Why? What made that develop? Do you wish your present partner was a different age? Why?
Sexual Q& A: Water, Anyone?
A lovely female reader emailed me and asked me to keep her anonymous, but wanted to know the truth behind sex in the water. Does it enhance the experience?
STEFF RESPONDS:
I don’t know. I’ve never really gone there. I’ve had guys crash my bath and the feeble attempts at sex were laughable, since the tubs have always been too small. I’ve never had a decent sized tub, so why bother with a tub?
I mean, seriously, the last thing I need is my head knocking against a tile wall and my neck ramming against the stupid lip of the tub. Ergo, stay the fuck out and let me play with myself. I have plans for you later. Behave, and you’ll get your reward.
Sex in the shower, I’m so there. Lather me up and watch me go.
But sex in a body of water (ocean, lake, pond) has never been opportune, and sex in a pool, well, if that opportunity arises, I’m in like you wouldn’t believe.
But in wondering about the question, I thought I’d do some research.
Now, before we go further, let this be known: there are a lot of condom-integrity issues with sex in the water. Obviously we want to play safe. But if you’re in a safe, committed relationship where you’re both negative, those issues clearly won’t matter to you. There are other points below that will be relevant to you, too, though, so please read on.
It goes without saying, colder water temperatures are not conducive to stiffies staying stiff. You might as well just bid the hard-on goodbye, unless he’s some iron man who washes with Cheer for better cold-water performance or something.
Another problem is that of vaginal lubrication. You’ll be needing to search out a non-water soluble lube in order to do your aquatics routine, and lube will certainly be necessary, regardless of whether you require it in your regular sexual antics. A single bout of playing with your clit in the tub will prove that to you. (One small part of why I like oil baths. Mostly, it’s to have nice skin, of course.)
But you can’t do the oil-in-water during safe sex since the oil will seriously compromise your condom, possibly causing it to tear or break.
All right, back to the drawing board. What next, then?
Well, let’s say you’ve found yourself a wonderful non-soluble lube and you’re good to go exploring in, say, a swimming pool. Great! You’ve got the condoms, some nice umbrella-laden bevvies, and it’s game on.
Or is it? By hopping in that there pool, you’ve effectively stripped the condom’s spermicidal properties. Damn it! Foiled again. Even if the spermicide’s not a big concern for you, there’s the very increased likelihood of the condom either slipping off or ripping, again because of submersion and also the chlorination.
But I’ve saved the worst for last. Let’s say it’s a blissfully warm summer’s eve and there’s the smell of honeysuckle dancing in the air and a full moon, and no one but no one is by the beach this evening. You get that creative notion of sex in the water, and why not? No one’s around, life is quiet. Opportunity’s knocking.
Except for that small problem of parasites, bacteria, and organisms that are thriving in the water. Swimming is fine, but the whole forceful act of sex ensures that these micro-organisms that would normally never find their way up the vaginal tract will not only enter it, but will be thrust high up it, leading to any one of an array of vaginal infections.
(And those probabilities increase drastically in lakes and ponds, girlies.)
It sounded like such a good idea, didn’t it? Sadly, no.
So, really, if you’ve got a nice big soaker tub and you’re on the pill and you know you’re in a safe relationship, I say have at ‘er. If it’s a casual relationship and you don‘t mind rolling the dice with a less effective condom, then that’s great, too.
Otherwise, you might want to think twice.
As for enhancing the experience itself, let’s ask the rest of the school kids since my experiences could only be summed up as “feeble” and “headache-inducing.” Anyone able to testify on this? I’m particularly interested in hearing from women since they’re the ones who’ll be getting the raw end of the deal with the lube issues. What say you, kids? Is the aquatic givin’ gettin’ good?
Sexual Q & A: Threesomes
Tonight’s topic? Menage a trois.
HERMES ASKS: Threesomes?
STEFF ANSWERS:
Oh, my. I’ve never really given threesomes a lot of thought. No guy I’ve been with has ever brought the topic up or asked if I’d be willing. So, I’m going to just run with my train of thought here. Bear with me.
So, have I? No.
Would I? I think so. Depends on the extra wheel.
The “extra wheel” stipulation brings us to the dilemma of two guys versus two girls… Which brings us firstly to the dilemma of anal.
I’ve done anal, not just once, and didn’t enjoy it (painful, awkward). Maybe it was the guy, I don’t know. I’d probably try it again in the future since my attitude towards things has been expanding quite a bit in the last year or so, if the right partner came along. I stress the latter. (It’s also a size-dependent issue, if you get my drift.)
But going at it with two guys would probably be better suited if I was a fan of anal. Given that I’m not, I don’t think I’d go that way. I once thought I’d be into two guys. I’m not sure when that shift occurred, but it did, and now I think otherwise, and have for a while now.
I think part of it might be the occasional male attitude towards sex. The fuck-me-hard, fuck-me-now, let-me-access-all-of-you bullshit that can wear thin. I’m not that kinda girl, not in plural, anyhow.
I have seldom ever heard a male account of a two-guys-one-gal threesome that didn’t sound like it belonged in some pulp porn movie. It always winds up sounding like she’s some whore who got fucked silly. Whatever turns your crank. It don’t turn mine.
I’m not orgiastic about sex. I’m passionate, driven, curious, sensual, open, creative, and exploratory, and though I can be a dirty girl, it’s not a defining characteristic of mine. I’m more mischevious, devilish, and playful than I am filthy, though I can talk dirty with the best of ’em (and do).
I haven’t come to that point where I can reconcile with the idea of whoring myself in any kind of capacity that leaves me wishing I’d had more self-respect the next day. Maybe I will be able to reconcile that one day, but I’m not holding my breath.
So, for me, sex is very passionate, very emotional, very sensual, and not something I usually take lightly, which is why I’m not promiscuous. When I have sex, I am all there, all the time, and the notion of two guys fighting for my attention SHOULD excite me, but it perplexes me. I can’t shut off my laserlight focus that I bring to the bed. I can’t divide that between two men, and I’m pretty sure the one guy who gets to receive my affections probably doesn’t want me to, knowing what he’s in for.
Yeah, I just can’t identify with two guys fucking me on one night. It just doesn’t do anything for me. Right now, anyhow. “As far as I know.” And this is going on the stereotypical experience, as I described above.
HOWEVER… if I had all creative control? If I could orchestrate the night? If what I said went? If my boundaries were understood and respected? If I trusted both men implicitly? If it was a sensual experience and not just a sweaty fuckfest?
That could well be an entirely different scenario since I’m a VERY situation-specific kinda gal. Everything depends on the night, the mood, my edge or lack thereof. I’m known to be very, very, very spontaneous and mood-driven, and even my friends of 15 years will tell you I constantly surprise them. With me, you never know.
The right extra guy might be something I can’t pass up. I’m too fucking smart and too old to dismiss something out of hand without knowing the particulars. I mean, if I was in a relationship and J. passed me on the street, or B. or E. or J2 or one of the other great lovers I’ve had, I’d love to bring him home for a night of fun and games with a present lover, because I’d trust them and they would know where my boundaries lay. I guess that would be the breaking/making point.
Bringing a chick into the equation, yeah, actually, I’d be totally down with that. Tomorrow. Seriously. I’d be awkward and nervous at first, but I’m confident I’d overcome that quickly with the right duo. Women have a different mentality about sex — or the ones I know, do. But it would depend on the chick, and I’m sorta specific about what kinda girl would get me riled.
As I posted recently, I’ve become very interested in having a female explore me, especially orally, and I’d be interested in a limited exploration in return. Honestly, I’d be kinda into having the guy watch her going down on me. That would really, really get me hot. The sex that would follow would probably be pretty incredible. God, the idea of it right now gets me bothered just thinking of it.
Hmm. Let me take a moment longer to think of that. Lovely. Nice. Yes, that I’d well be into. Sigh. Yep. Mm.
So, then, what do I really think of threesomes? (shrug) I don’t know. I’m on the fence. It can be an exciting diversion in a relationship, I’m sure. I wouldn’t ever want them to be a dominating aspect of my relationships. I love the part of sex where it’s all about exploring with my partner. My partner. Every now and then, to shake things up? Cool.
Now ask me what I think of swinging.
Did I answer that oh-so-very-vague question well enough for you, H?
And what do you folks have to say on the topic of threesomes?
Have you? Would you? What turns you on about it? What turns you off? When would be the right time? Is it the sign of things going awry in a serious, committed relationship? Can you in fact be seriously committed yet bring in outside sex for kicks without compromising the future of your relationship? Has it happened to you where you brought a third party in and had the relationship tank as a result?
Sexual Q & A: How Can I Spice Things Up?
ANONYMOUS ASKS: What’s a girl to do when her new boyfriend is VERY conservative and she wants to shake things up? Suggestions? This guy is NOT experienced but he’s really adorable.
STEFF ANSWERS: Keeping in mind that conservative attitudes about sex are usually resulting from ignorance or fear, I think you gotta proceed slowly.
If this were me, I’d probably proceed in any one of a few different ways. In fact, I’d recommend trying them all. Education shouldn’t happen in one fell swoop, neither should sexual expansion. Slow, graduated learning will make it more meaningful for both of you, if that’s what you’re after.
1) I might write him a very naughty, explicit letter detailing a few things I’d like to do to him. When he’s leaving one morning/night, put it in his wallet or something like that, so he finds it at an unexpected time and place. When it’s out of the blue and he’s alone with time to process things, and not in front of you, it may leave him more open to suggestion. Plus, if you’re arousing enough on the page, he might just find himself in a situation where he wishes you were around to aid with relief. (This could possibly backfire, too, so you need to be careful how far you go on the page. Subtly alluding to things could be as big a turn-on as being explicit, depending on your man.)
2) I suggest just taking him by surprise in bed. If he’s never done bondage, for example, maybe don’t talk to him about it in advance if you believe he’ll cringe. While you’re on top, simply playfully pin his arms over his head and loosely put a pair of nylons or something else that you’ve got conspicuously handy around his wrists, so he can get out if he likes, and proceed as you like. So, make it the illusion of bondage instead of the real thing, to take the fear out of the experience. (I wouldn’t recommend blindfolding with bondage at the same time if he’s nervous. It can be pretty overwhelming when you’re knew to it, speaking from experience here. ‘course, I fell in love with the feeling, but still, a lot to process.)
3) Another way to proceed is to just introduce one small new thing per session. Bring in food one time. Start off with a massage and oral another time. Try nailing him publically in a forest or something sometime. Vary the experience one teensy way each time until you’ve acquired a kaleidoscope of shared experiences. Then you’ll get to pick and choose.
4) Something else to try might be something like 101 Romantic Nights (a sex game where you roll the dice and refer to a book to see what your tasks for the evening are) or something similar, where you’re told what to do next through a book or something. There are other books, like 101 Grreat Nights of Romance, that come with sealed pages and just a tease as to what might lie ahead. You break the seal on the page to get the instructions for the evening, and you do what you’re told. They’re pretty tame, by and large, but they’re definitely an introduction to thinking outside the box when you’re a conservative lover, plus the creativity included might be pleasantly surprising for him, but the instructions and tips might take some pressure of of him when it comes to performing. But there are also a lot of inventive little role-playing antics and such, with a list of what you might require for the evening — and some of these may be new to experienced lovers, too.
5) It may well be that he’s intimidated by your experience. Bring the issue up casually, in a non-threatening way, when you’re having a quiet night on the sofa, watching a movie. Discuss the intimidation and tell him you can understand it if he feels that way, but you don’t want him feeling it anymore, and ask what you can do to help make it go away. You can ask him to design a night that will be comfortable for him, but he may feel pressured as a result, so I don’t really recommend that.
I think a lot of chicks tend to forget that, when it comes to sex, a lot of pressure, most of it (if not all), is on the guy. Their plumbing needs to be working, their size needs to be adequate, their skills are the ones that dominate the experience… an inexperienced guy with an experienced chick probably has a whole lot of issues to deal with, and being relatively gentle yet provocative is the only way to proceed if he’s timid.
6) Finally, maybe you can just watch a movie with a great sex scene in it, like the infamous refrigerator scene in 9 1/2 Weeks, and teasingly suggest you should do that, or any other sex scene you’ve enjoyed cinematically. I’m talking films, not porn. I don’t think porn’s the way to go when you’re easing someone in, since the expectations could seem unrealistic. But after you’ve said, “hey, that looks like fun, could we try that?” take him by surprise and go down on him.
Personally, all of my sexual experimentation came as a result of conversations that got the ball rolling. But I’m an imaginative and visual gal, so maybe it impacted me more that way.
In short? Again, be provocative but gentle. If he seems to be getting intimidated, then address it in a non-judgmental way. Let him know you want to teach him, that it’s important to you to show him just how good you can make him feel in every single way. You can bring dominance into the equation after you’re both on level ground. Have fun getting there. 😉
Do my male readers have any suggestions for Miss Anonymous, or feedback on mine?
The Good Girl's Guide to Giving GREAT Head Pt. 2
When we last left off, I was recapping the wonders of the Creamsicle move. Trusty, classic, and effective. Here are the remaining fave moves of mine. Of course, you can mix’n’match all the moves and shake them up, and you can think outside the box and bring in other techniques. There’s really only one no-no in oral — don’t hurt ’em (unless they’re into that).
So, without further ado, the rest of the Good Girl’s Guide to Giving Great Head.
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Sideways: Wrap your lips around his shaft sideways. If you don’t have an image as to how this works, then try sucking on the side of your thumb. Your lips sit on the top and bottom of the cock, and with your lips tucked around your teeth, you’re going to use jaw pressure to clamp up and down on his cock (firm, but not too hard, so check with your man during the process if it’s not obvious how he’s responding) while you travel outward to the tip, all the while sucking and tonguing him.
Now’s a good time to mention it. Tongues, the most wonderful muscle both sexes share. That’s right, it’s a muscle. Flex it, baby. The more you use it, the stronger it’ll be. It can contribute a lot to a guy’s oral experience, too, expecially when you’re throwing added pressure and sensations into the mix. Be conscious of your tongue and its abilities, and you’ll see results.
Ballsy, Baby: Now and then you have to take his balls in your mouth and tongue them against your palate, being careful with your teeth. Suck and slurp the bad boys, and you’ll get him groaning, especially if you’re tugging on his shaft simultaneously.
Super-Thighs Him: Often, and I mean often, fall away to his inner thighs and bite, nibble, suck, and lick him as your hands keep him entertained, rubbing his prostate, stroking him, or maybe even just clutching his ass hard or teasing it with a finger as you continue devouring everything but his cock.
The Moist Interlude: Now and then to really torture him you can mount him without letting him enter you, just in between all the oral escapades. This is particularly fun when you have him absolutely at your mercy and tied up. The trick is, you have to be wet for him. Quite. Sopping. If you’re doing all of this the right way and you’re watching his reactions, I guarantee you will be, but if necessary, as you’re sucking his cock, start rubbing your clit — make sure you tell him that it has you so hot you’ve got to touch yourself — and then mount him after you’re wet. Grind him gently as you lean in and nibble his neck, his earlobes, his nipples, or kiss him, whatever it is you know gets him hotter. And grind, baby, grind. Just a little.
Apres Moist: Having taunted him, you want to slide your body down his, remembering that you’re wet and while you may or may not enjoy having cum all over you, he almost certainly does since your wetness correlates, in his mind, with how much you want to fuck him. So, as you’re sliding down, so too will evidence of your arousal, how hot you’re getting just while getting him hot. This alone will get his mind into overdrive (especially if he’s blindfolded) never mind the fact that you’re licking, nibbling, and sucking your way down to his cock, which you’re now stroking hard but slow. If you’re really evil, you’ll “accidentally” get his cock hung up on your vagina as you’re sliding down him. Stay there and try to drive him a little harder against you before you dismount, and if you’ve done this, make him wait an agonizing moment as you don’t touch him at all (on purpose, but you don’t have to let him know that — but I would, since I love the tease) as you reposition yourself to resume the oral.
The Taste-Tester: I’ve often dribbled chocolate syrup over a blindfolded lover’s cock and then hungrily licked and sucked it off as messily and greedily as I could before kissing him hard on his mouth with my mouth still tasting of both chocolate and him, so he knows what I’ve done. I’ve had amazing results with this, particularly when in the middle of an epic BJ. It’s one of those intense interludes that immediately heightens, rather than slackens his pleasure. It also gives you a change of pace and a nice taste sensation, plus the sugar rush helps you carry on your epic work. Now, honey works well, too, so long as it’s something you gotta work to get it all off of him, though. Sticky and sweet. Even jelly or jam is interesting, if that’s your kinda thing. The shock of cold might cause him to recoil a little, but your mouth will warm him up and make him grow again.
Props Assignment
A feather, an ice cube, some velvet, a dangling tassle, and other fun little objects can go a long way to surprising him with delight when he’s blindfolded during a BJ. I once had an interesting time wrapping a sheet of cotton batting around a guy’s cock and just lightly dragged it up and down against his rigid shaft. He was blindfolded and absolutely baffled as to what I was doing, but began shuddering with each light surfacing drag of the batting. Use your imagination when you’re looking through cupboards, make a note of things that could play well in the bedroom (or wherever you like to fuck.)
Tease him often with the props between doses of oral delivery.
Don’t forget, any time he might deflate a little, you’re going to ensure you reverse that immediately. Keep him as hard as you can throughout.
Nutshell.
Remember, variety, no one thing for too long. Go from one technique to another and back again repeatedly, and see what that does. Then change up the mix to something completely different — and change speeds, from slow to fast, and pressures, from soft to hard to barely there.
There are a myriad of other little techniques one can use, given that every cock-owner has different fondnesses. Ask him what he loves during oral. Ask him if there’s anything you can do to make him find a happier place. And do that for him. Asking “Do you like that, baby?” can be as much of a turn-on as anything, especially when you really get to the truth of what’s exciting him.
Whew! A Breather?
Never forget the power of your breath. Tired? Of course you are. Oral’s hard work. Take a breather, literally. Hover over his cock, still holding the shaft firmly, and just breathe heavily on his wet, hard tip and shaft as you catch your breath. I’ve actually seen cocks get harder and longer by just breathing on them for a full minute. Gasp, let him see how worn-out you are from servicing him..
Most of the time, this will even bring an added emotional element into the equation when he knows you’re shoring up reserves to go at him again. It’s a strangely powerful moment, just being there, quietly hovering, breathing.
In my experience, how it plays out is that he knows my head is right there… so close, yet so far, and the anticipation is surprisingly powerful — for both he and I. I’ll often faintly trace a fingernail up his length as I tease him with my breath, and it’s astonishingly effective considering the lack of other stimulus.
(Boys, this has worked well on me, too, but I can’t speak for all women. Girls?)
Sticking points.
A lot of fuss gets made over swallowing or facials or what have you. Where do I stand? I have swallowed, and though I’ve often done it, not always, and not even usually. It depends on the taste of his cum and depends on the man in question. Some guys it’s not a problems, others, yes, problem. Facial? Yeah, I could handle it. But I don’t. I find it denigrating, so I just duck away. It would depend on the man and the occasion.
I don’t think chicks should be expected to swallow. If you don’t want to, don’t, and don’t apologize for it. That’s simply your line and it has to be respected. Sucking a guy to the edge if orgasm and finishing him by handjob or by mounting him and finishing the old-fashioned way isn’t copping out.
If he’s really hung up on you swallowing, then tell him to change his diet so his cum’s sweeter. It’s a known fact that vegetarians have better-tasting cum. Beef and other foods drastically affect the taste. Some say parsley will sweeten the pot. But realistically, is he going to go to that extreme? Probably not. Yet he wants you to swallow? Well, will he swallow his own? Like one of my lovely readers says, if a guy expects it of you, he better be willing to do the same.
Like I say, sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. Usually, I don’t. I’ve never, ever had a complaint. Just the opposite. The guy who gasped thanking me for three minutes? Swallowed some, but put the rest all over his body as I sucked, nibbled, and licked my way back up to his face, and he didn’t mind a damned bit.
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All you really need to know about me is I get the job done. Every time. And with these tricks and dedication, so will you.
Have fun, take your time, and remember: Details. The devil’s in the details.
The Good Girl's Guide to Giving GREAT Head Pt. 1
I’m a perfectionist. This has served me well in many areas of my life, say, at work or in the kitchen. Or, as it happens, in the bedroom.
I like to think of oral sex as a fine art. I think it’s the most sensual, supposedly selfless thing you can do for a lover.
Now, I say “supposedly selfless,” because who’s kidding who? If you’re already in a good relationship, throwing great oral into the equation makes it sexual utopia. It’s the final touch. Then they owe you. You know as well as I do, you’re keeping score. We all do.
When it comes to oral, I owe everything I’ve learned to Sex Tips for Straight Ladies from a Gay Man. The first time I used all the tips in that book — and let me tell you, when I read, I absorb information like a sponge, my friends — the guy was gasping his thanks for three full minutes afterwards, no exaggeration.
It’s not just knowing the moves, though. That’s half the battle. It’s really all about understanding your lover’s body language. That twitch, that gasp, that shudder, when their thigh muscles tighten or their ass clenches while they inhale sharply… all these little signs will give you clues as to what’s working… and what’s working better.
You don’t have to talk during the process but your lover should always emit little vocal cues when oral’s underway. It’s a roadmap of sorts. I’m fortunate, this is my strong suit. I can read a lover like a Dick-and-Jane book.
By understanding all those little subtle shifts in behaviour, you know when to switch up your technique to get a little added stimulation in, or to pull back so you can prolong the experience without having them blow their load too soon. It’s torturously delightful when the whole process is dragged out for as long as you can make it last.
My record for delivering oral on a guy was spread out well over an hour, and with his reaction and the night that followed it, my time proved to be very well spent. There are some situations that scream for you to dote and linger and take the slow route around. (In my books, that always includes light bondage.)
I’m not afraid to make an entire night about the guy. Or to at least try. I’ve never had a guy let me make it all about him. Half-way through, they’re always so riled they feel compelled to take charge.
And who am I to argue, then? It’s one of the perks of showering your lover with affection — limiting their ability to be involved in the process always heightens the payback. And I do so love payback.
If I wanted to deliver The Perfect Scenic Route Blowjob, it’d take a little scheming. Naturally, he wouldn’t know I had this in mind. Where’s the fun in that?
I would be planning to give loverboy a full-body massage that would slowly turn into bondage. I’d do firm but sensual deep issue work, keeping it fairly innocuous… for a while.
If not already naked midway through the massage, I’d remedy it and undress. Straddling him, sitting on his ass, I’d work my way lower on his back. When through there, I’d have him roll over, and he’d naturally be rock hard by now.*
I’d have a bind or tie of some kind under the pillow, and upon straddling his front, I’d lean in for a kiss, pin his arms playfully over his head, then produce the rope. Of course he’d give his permission (because I only date intelligent men) and I’d then tie his hands up.
Then it’s all about exploring, isn’t it? Kissing, sucking, nibbling from head to toe and back again… but stopping often for long, involved cock teasing.
Where I start with a blowjob is by grabbing the base of the shaft. This isn’t even an option. Need I repeat that? Not an option, sisters. A good firm grasp around the shaft is a great start, but it’s also great to have the testicles involved in this lovely grasp, as well. Cup them, and maybe play with his balls, rolling them in your hand, but don’t overdo it ‘cos you don’t want to get him too riled too early.
This whole process is going to be about giving and denying — taking him to the brink and knowing when to stop so you can stretch that tease to the maximum. If you can prolong it as long as possible, the orgasm (from my experience) is of the earth-shattering, full-body spent kind. (My favourite, personally.)
From that point, baby, it’s all mix’n’match. There’s no real process. Vary it like mad, not sticking with any one technique for longer than a minute or so. If I can see his face and know he’s concentrating with furrowed brows or biting his lip intensely, then I’ll probably prolong that move just a tad since it’s obvious he’s in another place with it. There are no rules… just make it good and make it last.
Among my favourite moves:
The Explorer: Licking hard and slow up from the base of the shaft, over the head, nibbling the tip oh-so-gently before going open-mouth and deep over the whole shaft, closing lips hard over him, sucking hard but teasingly slow all the way up, then making a couple short little slurping passes over the tip. I repeat the whole move a few times in a row, usually producing a couple tortured little shudders at the very least.
The Nibbler: Imagining you’re a dainty little old English lady working her way around a tea biscuit with the littlest of nibbles. You’ll work your way from base to tip ever so delicately nibbling the skin lengthwise, and when you get to the tip, you’ll simply mouth the top of his cock and his glans and toy with him using your tongue and sucking with varying degrees of pressure.
Women, for the love of god, if you can’t nibble without applying any painful pressure, do NOT do it at all! If you’ve never nibbled cock before, go gentle, please! Once you’re into the experience, ask him if he’s comfortable with you proceeding. Not every guy is trusting enough to let a chick teeth him. But he should be. Unless he’s fond of denying himself the most sinful of pleasures.
The Creamsicle: Ah, let’s hear it for the classics. Fondly recall those days of old when you’d grab yourself an orange creamsicle and suck it whole in your mouth, up and down, until it was too weak to last much longer. So too will be your man’s cock if you’re attentive enough with this trusty old standby. If you don’t lay hard tongue pressure against the side of his cock as you suck the length of the shaft, then why don’t you?
Now, the downside of the Creamsicle is that it tends to get him off a little too quickly if you overdo it. I prefer short bursts of Creamsicling (unless I’m winding up my services, and then I give it all I’ve got). I’ll often make sure I’m clutching his shaft hard and tugging in rhythm with my lipservice. This, too, can be problematic when you’re trying to prolong his experience.
PART TWO? I thought you’d never ask.
*By the way, if a guy isn’t hard, putting his soft cock in your mouth and gumming and sucking him tends to drive him wild and gets him hard in a hurry. Always a pleasant surprise if the blowjob begins out of the blue. Try this next time you’re just watching TV. Get down on your knees, open his pants up, and set yourself onto his soft cock. Especially do this if you know there’s some chick he likes in the show or something. Why not indulge his little fantasy, and later, help him indulge yours?
The Fine Art of Massage
For me, one of the most passionate things I can do for a man is a massage, and if he does it right, likewise.
I take massages very, very seriously. A great massage takes you to a different place. Paying for a massage is one thing, but receiving one from a lover fills me with raw desire while setting me on a wave of bliss.
I’ve been known to deliberately give male friends shitty massages. In fact, I generally try to avoid touching them at all. Keeps shit simple. I’d be in a world of trouble if they knew the truth about me. Seems a little late for that now, though.
I love giving hour-long full-body massages. I love to trade them like favours. It’s a delightfully erotic evening in.
For a woman, I have strong hands. They’re broader across the palm, and my fingers are pretty solid. I can apply a lot of pressure, and the nice thing is, my hands and fingers are perfectly shaped for massage. They’re not sharp and bony, and digging into tissue isn’t invasive.
But you can always adjust your technique if you don’t have the “right” hands. The trick is, when you’re massaging with fingers, to make sure the portion coming in contact is that part under the crease, over your top joint nearest your finger tip. This allows you to use the rounded-yet-flat surface to keep your lover most relaxed.
I need to ask you all a question. Is it just me, or is there a point where fingernails get too long? I don’t let mine grow past my fingertip. Long enough to trace over skin, but short enough not to gouge. Lord knows a man better manicure before he starts giving me an external, nevermind internal. Those little jutting bits on nails can cause an awful lot of pain.
I digress. The heel of the palm is the best part of your hand when it comes to massage. Lord, is it ever. And the outer ridge of your thumb, as it extends down towards your wrist. This works the best when you’re squeezing ligaments and muscles on the shoulder tops and neck area, as well as the arms, legs, and the always-yummy ass.
It’s a shame my skills are going to waste, really. I have so much to contribute to mankind. What a sin.
Anyhow, for you, my friends, in anticipation of next weekend’s hijinks, some recipes for massage oils as included in InterCourses: An Aphrodisiacs Cookbook, one of my most prized cookbooks. From Terrace Books, published in 1997. (You think my photography array on here’s yummy? Check out that book. Makes you want seconds.)
But if you haven’t the time to cook up a love potion, I highly recommend “Love Butter” by Auracacia. (The link takes you to a site selling it cheaper than I’ve seen it before.)
It’s solid cocoa butter scented with the essence of ylang-ylang oil, whose properties are that of an aphrodisiac. It’s worked like a charm for me. Definitely a recipient of the Steff Seal of Success. When you put it on skin, it melts, literally like butter in your hand. Not unlike the massage recipient when he/she experiences it. Just enough slippage, just enough friction, the perfect combination for a sensual massage.
The recipes.
“yummy yummy juicy warm”
to 1 ounce jojoba oil, add:
21 drops sandlewood oil
6 drops of ylang-ylang
5 drops steam-distilled lime
“the heady oil of good feelings”
to 1 ounce jojoba oil, add:
13 drops Frankensence
6 drops patchouli
5 drops steam-distilled lime
“relieve anxiety, restore balance”
to 1 ounce jojoba oil, add:
6 drops geranium
6 drops clary sage
6 drops ylang-ylang
“sultry-sweet aphrodisiac potion”
to 1 ounce jojoba oil, add:
3 drops jasmine
34 drops sandlewood
(as written in the book:)
mixing your own massage is a simple process to follow: simply mix 6 to 8 parts of essential oil for every 1/8th cup (25 ml or 1 fl. oz) of base oil. essential oils are available at health food and natural food stores. vegetable oils work nicely as the base — try almond, avocado, olive, sunflower, hazelnut, or jojoba. mix with your signature concoction of essential oils. store in an airtight container in a cool, dark place.*
*steff’s tip? store it in the fridge. buy yourself one of those little electric plug-in cup warmers for hot beverages at work, and put it bedside. when you’re wanting to heat things up with your lover of choice, fill a small bowl with the oil before the massage, and place it on the warmer. hot oil, hot massage, hot night.
the above recipes from InterCourses by way of the Aromatherapy Catalogue.