And it’s somewhere in between Uncertainland and Hopeville.
Most of it is of my own doing, too. Having burnt out with EVERYTHING last July, I just walked away from most of my obligations, organized fitness, and social life. It’s been EXACTLY what I needed to do, but my back has been iffy from time to time as a result.
Fortunately, I’ve always sort of maintained my core to the bare minimum, and have had a lot of improvement with my back. It’s better, FAR better, now than it was last July when burn-out hit me.
I’m back, baby, and my back’s considering coming back too. I began last week with the simple goal of being active daily — not much, just enough. I’d started inconsistently the week before, but last week did honour my commitment to doing something physical on each day — even if only for 15 or 20 minutes. By the week’s end, I seized the day and had an 80 minute cycling adventure.
The last three days have been filled with uncertain moments for my back, though. Twinges and tightness, pricks and pains. I’ve been so looking forward to chiro. I’ve also been torn — do I rest this, or do I work it out? Resting wasn’t really working out for me, so I decided to pick up the weights. Continue reading
A Moment of Clarity, A Project to Start
I’m at the tail-end of a ceremonial shot of Jack Daniels. I’m celebrating.
This past week, I’ve figured out a structure for my book, and the start of the order of content and how to make it marketably different from most of the non-fiction offerings out there.
I want my book to be profoundly literate. I want it to be the best thing I ever write. It has to reflect all I’ve accomplished so far, and all I’ll accomplish in the next two years, as I finish this life-change dream I cooked up in the fall of 2007.
Whoa! Holditaminutethere! What book?
Right. When I decided I wanted to change my life, I also promised myself that, if I got even halfway where I dreamed of getting, I’d write a book about my journey. Continue reading
Life x Hard = A Given
“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. By god, you learn.” -C.S. Lewis.
This year, when adversities come your way — and they will — remember that quote.
That’s the one piece of knowledge that has gotten me through every experience in my life. Continue reading
Realism is Your Friend
Today, I’m taking my bike for a crappy beautiful little ride to work. By “crappy” I mean that it probably will burn 18.9 calories or something, and provide no real benefit other than kinetic movement for a bit.
But calorie burning and world-domination isn’t my goal this morning. My goal’s pretty simple this week — I don’t care at all if I lose weight or gain tone or burn fat. This week, it’s just about routine-establishing. Every day, a little something active. Every day, two healthy meals at least. Every day, the house is spotless before work and before bed. This is all I wish to achieve this week — routine. Continue reading
Why I Love My ADHD
I’m going to be writing more about ADHD over the next while. I started last week with this posting here.
Seems to me too many people are all shame-filled about their ADHD. What the fuck is that about?
Here, take your stereotypes and shove it. Know what my ADHD doesn’t make me do? It doesn’t make me run around like I’ve had 42 coffees and have been mainlining coke and adrenaline, all right? It doesn’t mean I freak out on people. It doesn’t mean I can’t have a conversation with you. It doesn’t mean I can’t get to appointments punctually. It doesn’t mean I can’t be an awesome employee.
What it DOES mean is, I have organizational challenges that negatively impact my life and leave me predisposed to feeling overwhelmed and constantly daunted by the life in front of me. But that’s biochemical. Continue reading
RANT: "Whine, Whine. #FML! Fuck My Life!"
ED. NOTE: This posting is meant for people who say “FML” and mean it. Like they say, people love the internet because they get to whine on it, and that’s fine. Go ahead, grumble. Just be interesting about it! And don’t be some snivelling fuckwit hyperbolizing and going “FML” because you woke up 30 minutes before your alarm, all right? I don’t care about grumbling, but I _hate_ the saying “FML”. Which is why we’re at this dance. Shall we?
Oh. And this may contain swearwords. Be careful of your fragile little vocabulary thresholds now.
Trendy these days is the acronym “FML”, short for “Fuck My Life.”
No, fuck your attitude if you’re saying that crap.
Forgetting your lunch is not “FML.” Having to deal with a friend you find annoying because you’re too pussy to deal with it, that’s not “FML”.
That’s “fuck, I’m dumb” or “fuck, I’m a pussy.” You’re to blame either way. That ain’t “FML”.
I’ve been pissed off about seeing “FML” all the time for quite a while now. I see it from spoiled rich kids who have a bad day, or people with ordinary lives who have victim complexes about every little thing that happens. I see it from people with more good luck in a week than I’ve seen in a year sometimes, too. I see it from people who blurt it without really thinking about what it means a lot. People are whining on Twitter about forgetting their lunch and tagging the comment with FML. Seriously?
And this week, THIS WEEK, I’m done.
Shut the fuck up. Continue reading
In Which Steff Talks About Her ADHD
I found out last Friday that my company’s letting us work from home when the Winter Olympics rolls into town in a couple weeks. My office is in the thick of Olympics Central in downtown Vancouver, between the major “live event” locations and all the sports stadiums. I was already having panic attacks about getting to work in what planners suggest will be the same volume of traffic influx daily as THREE Superbowls would generate, with possible two-hour waits just to get a train. (I died a little inside when I heard that.)
But working from home? Like, omigod. Discipline will be tough, but a deadline is a deadline, and my work has tangible starts-middles-finishes, with daily deadlines, since I watch television and caption it for a living.
My biggest struggle I face right now is not my weight; my weight is partially a byproduct of my ADHD — because ADHD causes problems with maintaining a routine or even achieving one, but also makes me prone to becoming hyperfocused on whatever I’m doing at any time — like eating.
Because I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD for well under a year, it’s been a massive learning curve — Continue reading
From There to Here
In 2007, I spent 7 months working for a toxic employer.
By the time I left my job, I was close to the highest I’ve ever weighed, at my most negative and always whining, feeling sorry for myself, and feeling pretty hopeless about everything, especially about writing, which I’d been sucking at for nearly a year at that point.
I quit that job, even though I was always taught leaving a job in less than a year was a crime I’d be judged heavily for. I realized one day in August that, if I didn’t leave, it’d be the end of any Steff I ever knew; I was approaching the negativity point of no return. Continue reading
Bittersweet Winter Mornings & Their Longings
A little after waking, a furiously beautiful sunrise lit my little part of the world up. Red, red, red, as far as the eye could see. Fire on the horizon, exploding across the cottony clouds that spread west over the Pacific.
Some shivers, some cold toes, but it was worth heading out to stand on my balcony and marvel over nature, if even too briefly.
I’m reaching my winter tether’s end. My sanity is tattered, my resolve weakening.
I want Spring. Continue reading
Cashing My Reality Check
Whew. Here we are. January 4, 2010.
I’d given myself a good excuse not to write this morning: “I don’t feel like it”; but now I feel like I need to put some stuff down. Not for you, not because I said I’d try to write 10 pieces on Getting Shit Done in 2010, but because I just need to say a few things to myself, for myself. You’re just the fly on the wall.
I’m genuinely daunted by all I know stands before me this year. I’m scared as fuck about what it is I hope I will have accomplished when I’m standing on this date come next year. Continue reading