Chelsea Girl requested that I address the issue of cock rings. So, here goes.
Once upon a time, in Middle Earth, a Hobbit named Frodo went on a quest to destroy the One Ring that would rule them all… Err. Well. Okay, different ring.
A cock ring is a blood-flow restrictor for the penis. Cock rings are the original penis-enlargement procedures. So, for starters, there’s the size-increasing bonus plan that the rings provide. The real benefit, though, comes in the fact that the trapped blood causes the penis to require more stimulation in order to come. (And when you do come, one word: gusher.)
What does that result in? More playtime (for most men — read on). A longer-lasting, new, improved loverman with a harder cock and the ability to go for a little while longer. It’s a great toy, particularly for those wanting more marathonish experiences in the bedroom.
How does it work? Simple. A cock ring wraps around the very base of the shaft (with or without the testicles, depending on the type/size of ring used), which traps blood in the upper regions of the cock. If you want a see-for-yourself experiment, just wrap an elastic band around your finger. If you find the right amount of snugness, not only does your finger get a little larger and a little stubbier, it can also get more sensitive to touch. (Which is problematic for premature ejaculators, who may not be able to handle a cock ring, but there are men who are less sensitive, too, with cock rings, so it’s a user-specific experience.)
If you’re a guy and you’re nervous about putting on a cock ring and then imploding sooner than you want to, then I suggest trying it out during your Sunday morning masturbation routine as you get to know Jenna Jameson a little better, or something.
Now, I don’t know about using a hair scrunchy in the Loverman-Improvement-Plan, but go on ahead and try it, if that’s all you got kickin’ around the house tonight. Finding the right cock ring can be a challenge, since too much restraint can cause injury to the bad boy, and too tight a ring might prove a bitch to get removed.
(Just imagine that visit to the hospital emergency room, eh?)
Cock rings come in all sizes and any number of different materials and designs. You can get a nice leather strap with a clasp, very adjustable, and very safe, and every bit as good as any other ring. You can get a leather strap with a number of snaps on it, allowing for any number of girths, also a great, safe approach.
You can get metal rings, plastic rings, rubber rings, and they all need to often be sized for your shaft’s width. A little trickier, I’m afraid. You can get funky ones with mini vibes attached that offer clitoral stimulation during the sex act.
It really comes down to your personal style and what just feels right for you. Some rings are all flash, and that’s fine, but it’s pretty unnecessary. Some rings are a feat of engineering since they have elaborate designs that can do everything from tugging and restraining the balls to clamping off the shaft, and even clamping your nipples at the same time. Clearly the latter design’s for those who’ve ridden all the smaller rides in the park and are looking for a little more bang for the buck.
Experts recommend that a cock ring shouldn’t be too tight (for seemingly obvious reasons) and shouldn’t be left on for more than 20 minutes, definitely not more than 30. Now you’re thinking, “well, why not apply it during the act and really prolong our experience?” Nice thinking, but a guy’s got to be flaccid or only semi-hard to apply these bad boys.
If it’s a new experience for you, don’t use metal rings. It’s advisable to use adjustable or stretchable cockrings, since this is one experience you don’t want to have go bad because you’re bad at judging your size.
Cock Ring Emergencies: You got ballsy and decided to try a metal cock ring, and now it’s stuck ‘cos your billy stick got too big to remove the bastard? Fill the tub with COLD water and sit in it. In a couple minutes you’ll be happier about experiencing shrinkage than you’ve ever been, and you should be able to get it off. If not, you’re going to the emergency room, kids.
Cheap tricks: Why pay $20 for three rubber cock rings when you can spend $3 at a hardware store for the same product, sans packaging and spin?
Wanna read some guys’ accounts of using cock rings? Go here.
Category Archives: Sex
The Failure to Fuck
Not too long ago, an Italian man was ordered to pay his now-ex-wife damages for failing to disclose to her before they tied the knot that he couldn’t get it up.
Apparently the courts have told him he’s guilty of abusing her “right to sexuality.”
Now this is why I believe in getting sex out of the way. Pfft. I mean, wait? Yeah, that’s gonna happen.
But you gotta wonder: You’re abstaining, but you make out, right?
So, there you are, you’re makin’ out, gropin’ a little, wandering around, pressing together, getting all heated up… and you never once notice he doesn’t have a stiffy in response?
Honey, do you have any powers of observation?
What chick, getting kissed against a wall, doesn’t notice a guy’s degree of interest? Which chick doesn’t judge its rigidity at that time? And if the guy ain’t putting it out there in a covert yet obvious way? Something’s up, and it ain’t Dick.
Honestly, it’s a pity they’re divorced. They seem impeccably matched.
Reader Conundrum: The 30+ Year-Old Virgin
I had an email from a woman who wanted to remain anonymous.
“So how is the world with a virgin on the other side of 30? How virgin you may ask? Too! I haven’t even had a kiss since highschool so…. Am I going to end up a lost cause? I don’t even know how to formulate my question, what exactly it is.”
-Always Alone
I once wrote, “Getting published is like getting laid. Anyone can do it if they set their sites low enough.”
Getting laid ain’t hard. So that’s not your problem. Your problem is that you want to be laid by someone with standards.
My readers are probably wondering, “Man, bet she’s a dog.” No! I got a picture of this girlie, and she’s cute. A little makeup, some cute, revealing clothes, and a night on the town might be all it takes.
But being over 30 and a virgin and unkissed for so damned long, A.A., you’re probably filled with apprehensions about getting involved — and a whole lot of insecurities.
The thing about dating that gets forgotten is that it’s just about meeting new people. Today, it’s easier than ever. I wrote a rant about e-dating, but the dating itself has been pretty good. None of it has been painful or emotionally distressing. There’ve been some real pieces of work, this is true, but as a whole, it’s not bad. When it doesn’t work out, you walk away. That’s it.
So what’s holding you back? Confidence? Inability to meet new people? The way you dress? I’m not a fly on the wall and my crystal ball’s on the fritz.
If what you wore in the photos is a typical day out for you, you need to update and get some digs that better suit your body, and the colour grey don’t work on you. Have someone help you buy trendy clothes. Ditch those jeans you had on and get some with spandex in ‘em and wider legs that bring your hips into proportion — it’s more slimming, and much more stylish. A lower cut actually makes you seem taller and flatters your ass, too.
Get some nice cute shirts that are at least as low-cut as the v-neck shirt you wore, but get bright, fun colours that will have you be noticed. Personally, I was always opposed to things like hot pink, but I went and got me some snazzy pink and lime green clothes last season and have been really surprised at the interest they create just walking past men on the sidewalk. Get daring.
If confidence is the issue, join a gym. You might think, “Oh, I’ll join a girls’ gym–” WRONG. Yes, gyms are meat markets, but that’s what you want! It’s not that bad. You don’t have to wear makeup. Just have cute workout clothes and do your thing. You might even find you enjoy catching those sly corner-of-the-eye glances that come your way. Every now and then, a little objectifying does a girl some good. Besides, strong women feel sexy.
Another great idea for confidence is to join Toastmasters International, a public speaking organization, so you can brush up your courage for talking to strange men.
As for the question about being a virgin and whether there’s any hope, goddamned right there is. There are men who specifically do not want virgins. They want experienced lovers. Oh, well. There are also men who’ll get excited at the prospect at defrocking a woman, especially since the notion of finding another virgin when they’re also in their 30s is pretty much something that’ll get them a visit from the law enforcement.
Try to ditch your inhibitions. Do little things like forcing yourself to make eye contact with men at the supermarket. Smile at one hot new guy per day. Be brazen and start the occasional conversation. And when you feel you’ve made a big step like just talking to some random attractive man on the street, make sure you pat yourself on the back.
But most importantly, try the e-dating. It’s the easiest, most opportune way to get your face out in the world, especially since you’ve told me you live close to “a major city”. And if it’s something like Lavalife, you can post a profile for free. Write yourself a revealing, open profile and include a photo on your profile. You don’t need to publically disclose you’re a virgin, but you’ll have to do so at some point. You do want to say something like, “Looking for a lover who can and will teach me in the bedroom.” You can call yourself “an inexperienced, but willing to learn, lover.” And realize that if you write the profile well enough, you make it revealing enough, and you have a nice photo up there, you will get a LOT of responses. Then, it’s all up to how you handle things.
Hell, if you want, send a profile you’ve written about yourself to me in email and I’ll help you polish it up all sexy-vixen like. Trust me, I’m effective. 😉 We’ll report back to the readers about your progress in a couple months.
Meet guys for a coffee. Don’t let the “online chatting” thing drag past a week. That’s just a waste of your time. All it takes is an hour to meet for coffee and you’ll know if he’s worth pursuing.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” The quote is from Oscar Wilde, and it’s as true as true gets.
Personally, I’m a little overweight. I’m not some sexy vixen non-pareil. I’m cute, I’m fun, and I’m a little larger than life both physically and personality-wise. But I’ve got confidence and I’ve got a great grasp of innuendo. I may not be every man’s cup of tea, but I’m surprised by how many men would indeed like a sip of me — and that’s because my personality’s infectious and I got a dirty grin. There was a time when I thought it was all about hip size, and the more outgoing I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realized how untrue that is. Trust me, I went through a dark age in my mid-20s and my self-esteem bottomed right out. In the last couple years, I’ve put all of the above to work for myself and I’ve really enjoyed the outcome, despite still looking for The One.
So, learn to dig yourself. Dress yourself in a new, brazen way, and force yourself to make daily baby steps. Smile at men. Play with innuendo. Start touching their arms when you talk to them. Sit closer to the men you’re around. Take a risk and get on the ‘net for e-dating. But love yourself. Get past the insecurities that are holding you back from being the effusive, sexy woman you know lives deep down inside ya.
And then maybe you’ll happen on a brave new world of satisfaction and sexuality. Good luck on the voyage. 😉
Anyone got anything to add to this advice for AA?
The Man's Guide to Cunnilingus: Part 4
This is part four in my opus on cunnilingus.
Part one is here, part two is here, and part three is here.
Tackling a lover orally can be quite different for the two sexes, not just for the obvious reasons.
As far as I’ve been able to discern, sucking dick’s the same no matter how you approach it. Sure, it might be a little different upside-down, but it doesn’t seem to change matters that much.
Can the boys weigh in on this and correct me if I’m wrong? I have that slight problem of being dickless, hence clueless on that aspect.
Chicks, though… We’re a sensation wonderland. Every way you turn us, move us, the feel’s different.
Think about it. A penis and vagina go together like a puzzle. The negative space in a cunt accomodates a dick perfectly. This is why it’s so fun to play together.
But that said, every bit of internal female plumbing has different reactions to stimulation. The back end of the vagina responds differently from the front end. The vulvic walls create a space within them that’s similar to an hour-glass, but with a longish fold similar to sliding your hand between the pillows of a couch, all mixed together. That means that entry from different angles creates different sensations — never mind our perineum, our clit, our ass, or any of those other happy places we’d often like you to make yourself at home with.
Fingering a chick with your fingers turned sideways, like a key entering a keyhole, flicking them against the opposing walls, this feels a world different that entering her with your fingers turned wide for the entry, since it causes more sensation a little higher up on the walls (thanks to that extra width up top) and stimulates both sides of the vaginal walls at the same time. Like I said, a very different feeling.
Slanting your fingers so they hit the front or the back also changes our reactions.
Then there’s having us move into different positions that allow different areas to receive sensation — such as propping a chick up with pillows.
You might not ever understand all the ways a chick can respond differently to sensation, since it’s all “hidden in there,” but at the very least, you can appreciate it and keep it in mind.
There are a few basic approaches you can take when performing cunnilingus.
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Front & Centre: This is your standard approach, as illustrated in the beautiful photo provided to me by Daniel & Sabrina at Tell Your Sex Story.
This position can be attained by being on the bed between her legs, or by you approaching when kneeling on the floor in front of the bed, or as illustrated in part three, you could even have her lying on a table table as you take the comfortable position of sitting on a chair before the table. I did say “dining,” didn’t I?
Lying on a bed may be routine, but it’s my favourite position. I love just lying there and relaxing as a guy has his way with me because it really allows me to enjoy the experience.
Also, although it may seem like a boring, conservative position, it’s actually the most flexible one. You or she can manipulate her body into a variety of different positions stemming from this basic one. Every way you move or angle her legs will vary the sensation slightly. Play with this. This also allows easy access to every single erogenous zone on her body since only her back is out of play.
And don’t forget, it also allows for you to use your nose on the clit, as I detailed in part three, something that most of the other moves do not permit.
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Down & Dirty: From the most flexible position, we go to the least flexible one. An interesting alternative, this one’s a very sensational feeling, but it’s also very emotionally detached, which can compromise some of the intensity for some of the chicks. And as mentioned, it’s very limited in scope.
You’re essentially eating her backwards from behind. Slide two pillows, at least, under her midsection so her derriere’s in the air, which gives you access. This is a really different sensation for the chick since the tongue reaches internal areas it can’t usually reach, essentually angling back towards the cervix, and against the back wall, instead of against the front wall.
The negatives to this approach are as follows: One, a total lack of eye contact. Two, no ability to stimulate all her upper-body erogenous zones, from her mons to her breasts and neck. Yes, it’s a great sensation, but unless she asks to have an entire session done this way, make sure you bring other positioning into play.
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Sideways: This one’s great, and as mentioned, it’s one of the myriad ways you can adapt the Front & Centre approach. All you need do is lie beside her, on your side. Have her drape a leg over your torso — the leg depends on what hand you favour. For example, if you’re a rightie, you want to lie on your left side, so your right hand is at your ready and able to join the fun. Her left leg, then, will simply drape over your right hip.
Your head will be parallel to the bed as you enter her with your tongue. For greater control, you can stretch your left arm (again, if you’re a rightie) out and under her right thigh, and use your hand to pry her fleshy inner thighs back. Digging your tongue in as deep as possible is a real bonus with this approach.
Your tongue enters her sideways, so when you’re flicking and darting, you can favour one side of her vulva over the other or go back and forth, batting your tongue against each wall rhythmically. You can wag side to side or do the classic “around-the-world” movement, all of which works nicely.
A really arousing trick is to lightly rub your upper front teeth’s edges against her labia as you dart and delve into her. It’s a nice multilayered feeling and I guarantee it’ll get her riled.
With your right hand free, and with more of her upper vagina exposed thanks to your head being sideways, you can really work with both her clit and her breasts with your dominant hand.
Done correctly, this can be a really stimulating series of moves, and could possibly cause her to climax sooner than you want. Watch for her leg pressing heavily down on your hips — but she might be doing this to tighten all the regional muscles to get more bang from your buck, so also pay attention to breathing, gasping, et al.
Don’t forget, you do have flexibility with your indominant hand, as well, if you want to find a creative way to toy with her with both hands.
Girls, if your man’s stretched out at your side, don’t forget to stroke his cock, or just hold it firmly if your concentration’s too affected. Using your thumb to rub up against that delicate sensation wonderland under his penis tip, the frenulum, will get him more aroused and might increase the intensity of his oral work — if that’s what you want. But stroking is a really nice touch and lets him know you want to appease him as much as he wants to do so for you.
Upsidedown: This is essentially a 69 — le soixante-neuf — position. She straddles your face with her face being down over your cock. The moves for each player are pretty limited, and I should think fairly obvious. If you’re making the night about her, this is probably not the way to go.
Why? Personally, I enjoy the odd 69, but I’d rather not be distracted while giving or receiving oral. I tend to have a very hard time focusing on the matters at hand — or tongue, as the case tends to be — when I’m being pleasured. If you want a subpar blowjob, then that’s your call, right? And I’m down with that. I just realize my limitations, that’s all. I suspect most chicks feel this way, but I know it’s not universal.
I think guys need to appreciate that the mechanics of fellatio are more complicated than cunnilingus is. You can lie there and let your tongue do the work for you, but we have to do the head-bobbing thing and focus on your lower shaft, et al. It’s a physically more demanding task. It’s complicated business, and those of us (like me) with ADHD and such might not be able to function well under the dichotomy of the much-vaunted 69. Just keep that in mind when you’re comparing notes with oral performances of the past.
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Mounted: This is when she sits on your face. This position is almost fetishistic in a way since so many guys seem to love the notion of a chick straddling their face. And why not? You open your eyes and her tits are hanging over your face.
It doesn’t allow her to really relax and enjoy the experience, though, so I think that while it can be fun in bursts, it shouldn’t be a long-sustained position. It’s hard on a woman’s thighs and calves, and can be hard on her lower back, as well. That said, it does allow for a deeper probing with a man’s tongue, and god knows that’s not something to complain about.
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The Rearguard: This is another position where you will be on your side. It’s a reverse-69, basically. If you’re a rightie, you’re on your left side, and vice versa. The difference this time is that she’s also on her side, with her back to you. You want her to lean back into your body, and your body is to lean forward into hers a little, so you both support each other and it allows her to rest more comfortably. You want her to prop her upper leg up and over your torso. It’ll probably drape over you just under your armpit, so you’ll have to have your dominant arm resting over her leg. Make sure her lower leg is bent, with her knee pulled up towards her a little. This gives you more room, stretches her vagina a bit to tighten it and give added sensation upon entry, and also stabilizes her more.
This position allows you to enter her from behind, and allows you better access to toying with her perineum by nuzzling it with your chin as you work her over with your mouth. That’s the beauty of this pose is that it’s the only one that really allows you unparalleled access to her whole vagina and her entire body, granting you the ability to stimulate anything, anywhere. Plus, you get the added nice sensation of having your cock against her back for that extra bit of intimacy.
Your indominant arm, unfortunately, will be in an awkward position and won’t be able to do a whole heck of a lot other than maybe stroking her inner thigh. You could always give her lower foot a massage, though, and it’s an intimate way to cater to her as you continue lapping her.
(You can reverse this position for a front-on-front sideways 69 as well. Backwards, it frees her from obligation, though. Frontwards, it allows you to delve in towards the cervix, so both ways has its advantages. Personally, I prefer this method of 69, since I find it easier to perform in. It might be interesting to hear your opinions on this matter, though. )
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It should go without saying that positioning is a pretty important factor. If she can’t get comfortable, she may not be able to come. Make sure she’s able to relax in the position she’s in. Check in with her during the process from time to time.
Remember all the tips from the previous three postings: Use your hands as much as possible, use your nose when you can, use your teeth, vary your pressure & rhythm, et al. Read the preceding postings, if you haven’t already.
Lousy Lover Syndrome
DirtyTalkingGirl (DTG) over at Pussy Talk recently posted this about her lover’s stubborness in wanting to get her off through oral:
I have to say that M gave me his best last night. He went down on me unasked, made all the right moves with tongue and lips, pulled my thighs over his shoulders, changed position and bent in over me from the side, tried every angle of oral approach and entry. He was textbook-perfect.
All to no avail. I couldn’t come.
At one point, I apologised. Told him it wasn’t him, I just wasn’t in the mood, time of month, blah blah. I added, I’d rather you fuck me. I wanted the penetration.
He said, “No, I want to make you come this way.”
As he laboured on, putting fingers here and thumb there and vice versa, I felt like a lawnmower that wouldn’t start.
This posting set me off, for some reason. I began thinking, “If someone as skilled in and open about sex as DTG felt this frustrated and this much like a failure when her lover plodded through what he thought was his money routine, then where would that leave a “lesser” lover?”
Feeling pretty fucking negative about sex, I suspect. And that’s not fair. In fact, it’s downright cruel.
Our bodies are enigmas. Some things work brilliantly sometimes, and sometimes they fail. That’s just the way it goes.
DTG went on to say that maybe a switch hadn’t flicked in her mind, that the mood hadn’t hit her, and as a result, she was left unswayed by his “best.” She asked to be fucked doggy style, and was again rebuffed. Her lover stuck with his seflish intent of having her reach orgasm his way instead of the one way she thought she’d be able to reach it, considering her somewhat uninspired state.
I’m here to tell you one thing and one thing only: I don’t give a shit if you’re the king or queen of the world with your skills. If your lover tells you it ain’t working, that they want to have you try X method, and you rebuff them because you’re somehow intent on bringing them to climax through your present approach, then it doesn’t matter what skills you have.
You’re a lousy fucking lover.
Listen. Listen. Listen. I’m always saying “listen for aural clues — a switch in breathing, a moan,” whatever it takes, right?
Well, when someone flat-out tells you what they want, and they tell you they’re having trouble “getting there,” and you disregard it, you’ve broken every damned rule in the book.
Me, I think that when the mental baggage started to come into the picture, DTG should have told him to stop. I think she should’ve made him realize that he was starting to make her feel bad.
But that’s just how it goes. It’s so overwhelming when we’re in the heat of that moment and all those inner bells and whistles start tooting: “You can’t come? What are you, frigid? You’re good at this. Hell, you don’t even need to do anything. The ride has come to you! Come on! Orgasm! Squirt, baby!”
We can logically dismiss it, but the hurt’s still going to find its way in, and we start thinking we’re being selfish AND a failure.
And the truth is, it’s not us being selfish, nor failures. It’s our lousy fucking lovers.
This applies to both sexes. Listen to your lovers, and don’t let your pride and inability to concede defeat leave them feeling like crap (and unsatisfied).
It’s wrong and it’s cruel. And it’s just plain bad sex. Wake the hell up.
The Young Woman's Guide to Getting Over Herself
This was a posting over at www.NYHotties.com by yours truly. The blog owner there is Alexa, so this was a letter sent to Alexa, and Alexa asked me to answer it for her:
Hi, I’m Steff, and I’ll be your cruise director tonight.
I’m a Canadian girl, born & raised in Vancouver, and I run a site called [Smut & Steff]. One of Alexa’s friends said that being featured on NY Hotties was like being the featured slut in a bukkake-fest because so many people came. So after you shoot your tender lovin’ comments all over this post here, cum over to my site, fill me up and spray me down with even more hot comments. I’m a comment whore!
My specialty is sex advice, which is why I’m hijacking Alexa’s hot little site here per her request. She recently received an email from a young reader that went a little something like this…
Dear Alexa,Let me start with the usual by saying that I absolutely love reading your blog!By means of introduction, I am an 18-year-college student in Philadelphia. Freshman year, I had a boyfriend who took my virginity, about 9 months ago. I enjoyed sex with him but for some reason I could never orgasm. We would try oral and manual stimulation which felt great, but still nothing.
I now have a new boyfriend and everything is ten times more amazing, but still nothing. I scream, I moan, but every time I come close, I just want to throw his hand away or push his head away. The pleasure becomes so intense that it’s almost a pain, and then I don’t want it anymore. It’s stressful for my boyfriend because he believes that he’s not pleasing me. What is wrong with me? I try to let myself go and stop thinking about it, but then I worry, thinking that I have to urinate or I’ll get a UTI, if it’s too hard.
If you have any suggestions whatsoever, I’d love to hear them.
Thanks,
Ain’t Came, but Ready to Go
Alexa decided she’d ask me to weigh in on the topic, so I’ve put my little thinking cap on. Being brought up in a pretty repressed household with Catholic morality running rampant means that I have tremendous sympathy for this young woman, ‘cos god knows I had some overcoming to do before coming came ‘round for me.
First off, honey, you ain’t alone. One in five young sexually-active women has never had an orgasm, and I suspect that isn’t even high enough.
You need to realize that it doesn’t make you a freak, there’s nothing wrong with you, and it’s something you can overcome, if you’re willing to get past your inhibitions and try different approaches to resolving your issue. You’re already ahead of the game by admitting this and by wanting more information, because info’s most of what’s going to help you get past this.
First question is, do you masturbate yourself to orgasm?
That split moment before a woman experiences orgasm is often an uncomfortable, almost painful experience, but that’s what makes it all so heavenly when it’s finally broached. You need to let yourself go.
Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done — especially if you never masturbate!
Just so you know, when I first began masturbating in my mid-teens — which is exaggerating the truth since I never got comfortable with touching myself till I was around your present age and had already had sex — I was under the delusion, everytime I approached orgasm, that I had to pee. I can’t TELL you how much toilet paper I went through those first days of dry-humping pillows while lusting after George Michael posters on my wall. I kept running down the hall and trying to pee every time I felt myself getting excited, and then I’d get pissed off, thinking “I haven’t drank anything in two hours! What the hell?”
Know what? That’s how it’s supposed to feel. As for getting a UTI, no. Not the case. After you’ve had sex, go pee and clean up, and that’ll do a lot towards preventing a UTI. The threat isn’t as great as you perceive it to be, not even close, or why would chicks want to have sex as much as some of us do?
Now, for privacy reasons, I don’t have your email address as Alexa has kept that to herself, and rightly so. But as a result, I can’t ask you some of the important questions:
As I already asked, do you masturbate to orgasm? Do you really care about and trust him? Are you scared of the experience or do you have any apprehensions? Are you beating yourself up about your supposed inability to come? Have you ever been assaulted? Were you taught that sex was bad, that to enjoy it made you a whore? Were you raised is a religious household? Are you insecure about your body? Have you ever taken the time to read up on sex yourself? Do you like to touch yourself?
These are far-reaching questions and may even strike you as a little too psychologically-bent to apply to the very “simple” process of getting off when you’re getting hot.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Our mindsets are incredibly linked to our ability to orgasm. Particularly as females, we’re so bogged down with societal demands on our morality, with our parental teachings and social stigmas, that we have a lot of baggage we have to overcome before we can bloody well come, that’s more true than it has been in awhile, in this frickin’ uptight Religious Right-dominated political landscape we presently find ourselves under. Shame is the order of the day, and it’s on special two-for-one with a hefty side of guilt. You need to get past all that crap, too, and it’s hard.
Education is the best way to go about it, though, and it’s easier than it’s ever been, thanks to the internet. Honestly, the more you read about sexual dysfunction, the more you’ll learn just how common it really is. For example, I just did a very helpful websearch on Google using the following keywords: orgasm difficulties “young women” about resolutions. Read some of the results and that’ll give you a great headstart.
But you asked for help, so I would suggest a few ways to approach this problem of yours.
First, cut yourself slack, baby. Like I said, you’re in quite a number, what, with one out of five women claiming this problem, too, but that number’s probably higher in reality, considering the shame that surrounds admitting things like this. Hell, I can even tell you about women I’ve talked to who’ve never come alive sexually until they’re in their 40s.
Second, you’re on a completely different page from guys in your age category. They’re at their sexual peak right now — meaning they’re horny as hell and easy to please — and you, honey, you’ve got 10-15 years before you even reach that neck of the woods, which is the standard for all women. And you may think he’s a pro, but he’s probably a very clumsy lover and has as much to learn as you, since the female organs are far more complex than the male organ. By the time you hit your peak, around 30ish, with your being open about this already and wanting to learn more, I guarantee you’re gonna be a sexual goddess. Right now, for you, it’s all about discovering yourself, and that brings me to the next point.
Third, stop thinking that sex has to be all about the orgasm. It is, but it’s also not. Especially not at 18. It’s about learning all about a lover’s body and letting them learn about yours. Great sexual relationships start off slow and build as each partner learns more and more about what to do and what not to do. It’s not a race. For now, stop pursuing orgasms in the traditional sense of the word. This brings me to number four, a homework assignment.
Fourth, download the Divinyls’ masturbation classic, “When I Think About You, I Touch Myself,” and lighten up, considering how much of orgasms come from thought — which is FAR MORE TRUE FOR WOMEN than for men, and moreso today than ever, in this confused redrawing of the gender-lines that’s bringing us into a whole new ball of sexual confusion.
In case you’ve never really explored masturbation, let me give you a few tips. Vibrators are great, but for most women will not result in orgasm, and definitely not at your age — unless you’re using it on your clit. But fingers will do just fine, and are better for you at your age, since it’s about overcoming hesitancy. The happy-button is your clit, and you should be giving yourself a little cliteral massage. Trim your nails nice and short, and introduce yourself to your clit. The clit’s where it all happens, since maybe 10% of women can cum through just intercourse alone.
Massage your clit slowly and gently until you start to get thoroughly aroused, and try to bring yourself to orgasm. Don’t be ashamed of touching yourself or masturbating. Don’t balk when it starts to feel intense — that’s normal. It’s all normal. Hell, masturbating is a part of a nice Sunday in for me. Women who are truly comfortable with themselves sexually always get to know their vagina first-hand. At the same time, squeeze your tits, play with your nipples — this doesn’t make you weird, it makes you comfortable with your inner sex goddess — and believe me, she’s in there.
Make love to yourself. Because if you can’t do this, how can anyone else do it for you? Like Oscar Wilde once said, “To love yourself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” At 18, you’ve got a long road of romance ahead of you. Enjoy the ride.
Fifth, talk to your doctor and tell him/her what’s wrong. Maybe visit a free clinic and pose these questions and have an exam to make sure everything’s working fine or you don’t have any unusual developments. If you’re uncomfortable talking about it, write it out like you did for Alexa, seal it in an envelope, and give it to the doctor’s receptionist a day in advance of your appointment, and explain to the receptionist that you’re too shy to ask the enclosed question, and that you want your medical professional to read it well in advance of when they enter the exam room, so your pride can be spared.
The doc’ll appreciate it too, since their time is money and they’ll be happy you cut through the bullshit and brought up the real issue before the appointment. You should request that they gather helpful resources for you, which is doable if you give them leadtime before the appointment. (Important: Include the appointment time within the letter so the doc knows how much time they have to prepare for you. They’re as scattered as anyone, so don’t be intimidated about simplifying things for them.)
Sixth, tell your man it ain’t him. Tell him you’re working on the issues, that you need him to give you time and space. Learn how to deliver a great blow job. I’ve got a very helpful guide on both BJs and cunnilingus on my website. Read my “Good Girl’s Guide to Giving Great Head.” Explore. Bring him pleasure so he knows you’re breaking boundaries for yourself, but it’s all for him. Let him know that you’re learning to love yourself in every sense of the word. And let him know, that when you’re ready to, you will masturbate in front of him so he can see how you’ve learned to make yourself cum, and he can start things slowly by doing what you’re comfortable with. This is SO helpful for young couples. Have him masturbate himself as he watches you, and you should take notes on that, too. It’s a very arousing experience to share and teaches you both how each other likes to be touched.
Again, if words are difficult to say, then writing is the way to go.
Realize this: By coming to the brink so many times with orgasm, and stopping the process, your body’s dying to let go. The first few orgasms may be difficult to endure, but let it happen. You’ll be so happy and pleasantly spent afterwards that you’ll feel like a new woman in so many ways.
Finally, a last word about the society we live in and how screwed up it can make young women like you feel. As females, we’re taught that if we really enjoy sex and know what we’re doing, we’re whores. We’re taught that “good girls” get married and find nice men and never worry about orgasms, and the “sexual girls” only bond with Energizer batteries, not decent men.
And it’s bullshit. Own your sexuality, baby, because a life of pleasure and strength and power awaits you if you can please your man while loving yourself. There’s no shame in it. Men respect it and appreciate it — and you will, too.
This might well be a new start for you. But it might take a while. Most young women aren’t comfortable masturbating until their 20s, so bear that in mind, since it speaks volumes.
Good luck on your journey to sexual awakening. And enjoy the ride. It’s a long, but fun one.
DISCUSSION: Mr. Softee and the Minute-Man
A lovely blog-girlie I know in NYC is caught in a dilemma.
There’s a boy she likes. (They’re in their mid-20s.) Recently, they got to playing — making out hot and heavy for nearly an hour on the sofa. She was a little baffled to find he wasn’t getting hard, despite the heat. Being the caring, involved kinda gal she is, she thought she’d give him a hand — and head.
She went down on him and took his flaccid cock in her mouth. Now this was after reading my handy tips, so you know she’s got some skills, right? But there’s only so much you can do with a flaccid cock. Despite working away at him, Mr. Softee stayed soft. Mr. Softee’s management was very much into the services she was providing, but Softee itself wasn’t showing much approval at all, remaining almost entirely soft in her mouth.
Despite her bafflement, she forged on. It’s my understanding that many minutes had passed.
Then the boy told her he was going to come soon. She was stunned. He was still soft. He suddenly got semi-stiff for all of a minute, and then blew his load.
He then pretended everything was well and good and fine, that going from Mr. Softee to being the Minute-Man was hunky-dory.
(She also had made reference to him using his penis to caress her at various times, dragging it over her skin as if it were a feather and wondered if this was odd.)
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Unfortunately for all of us, it’s hard to find info on the net about young men in their 20s having erectile dysfunctions. The band-aid seems to be “Viagra” this or “Cialis” that, which I think is bullshit, since it doesn’t deal with the issues as they need to be dealt with.
First of all, of course he’s going to pretend it’s all well and good. He’s a man and wasn’t able to be “rock hard,” like all the books and movies claim he’s got to be. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, men have a hell of a lot of pressure on them when it comes to being able to perform in sex. If he can’t get hard and stay hard, then society tells him he’s a sexual failure. He ain’t going to admit his failings to a hot chick unless pressed.
Second, the dragging-penis-on-skin thing isn’t that whacked, it’s just him trying to tell his penis he’s made a new friend, and Mr. Penis should like his sexy new friend. It’s just an attempt to get himself hard — and clearly it didn’t work.
I speculate that he has in the past been able to get himself hard, or else he wouldn’t have been willing to risk the humiliation with said chick. But I might be wrong.
I’d say see how things go next time around before you get too worried. I’d say he might have a lot of stress going on or financial problems preventing him from getting to where he wants to be. Maybe he’s an avid cyclist and it’s affecting his performance. Maybe he was coming down with something and that prevented him from being able to do his thing.
I’ve been with a guy who was unable to get it up for a few days, about a week. Knowing what his true skills were, I tried not to take it personally. I was patient, I was supportive, and I didn’t pressure him. And when Mr. Stiffee made his victorious return, my god, was I rewarded. But I had a past history with that lover, so I knew he had it in him. You, my dear, don’t have that vantage point, thus we’re reduced to speculation here.
This not-having-a-dick thing prevents me from really being an authority on such issues, so I’m wondering if my wonderful male readers could weigh in on this issue before my girl has a weekend date with said man, and I know that I can spur some discussion with this posting.
So, whatcha think, dear readers? How does she approach the guy when she sees him next? How can she bring this topic up when he can’t get up? Can you comment on whether or not he has a history of erections panning out for him, considering his willingness to get involved, or am I oversimplifying matters?
The Man's Guide to Cunnilingus Pt. 3
If you’re new to this discussion, read Part One here, Part One-B here, and Part Two here.
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We left off with me urging you to get in touch with your inner bastard and enter her for two or three teasing, taunting thrusts before leaving her wanting more.
That done, feel free to grin mischeviously and tell her she has to wait until you’ve done your duties. Tease her a little, but you’re going south, boy.
As you slither back down her body, you can again drag your hands down the sides of her torso, slipping over her love handles and down over her hips, remembering that staying in touch with all of her will help shut down those inhibitions every woman has from time to time — and that pays hefty dividends as the night grows not-so-young.
To switch things up now, you can slip your hands down, around, and over her ass from behind, tugging those fleshy inner thighs out of the way as you suck and nibble down over the mons, this time stopping to make acquaintance with the clit, since you’ve already teased it once.
Purse your lips on it and very gently, almost imperceptibly start to suck. Lick it softly as you suck, flickering your tongue over its tip, almost snake-like, which will start to get her very, very aroused. She’s going to want more. But don’t be surprised if she adjusts her legs or shifts her hips. And do not misunderstand this.
She doesn’t want you to enter her, but is only trying to add to the experience by getting herself into a new position that allows for a different sensation. She may even slightly lift her hips, but this could mean she’s just tightening all those regional muscles so she gets more bang for the buck, just like you clench your ass muscles to make yourself harder when she’s going down on you. It’s not a vacancy sign suggesting you move in, boys. Continue what you’re doing.
So, techniques, then? All right, pretend you’re having a fudgesicle (ice cream on a stick for the foreign readers) that’s been sucked down to half its size, but is still wide at the base: Open your lips as wide as they can go and drag them, sucking harder as you go, over the surface of her twat until you’re pursing around her clit again. Now and then, throw tongue action into it, too, flicking hard, then soft, and vice versa, over the top of the clit.
You can even give her a twirlie, where you just encircle the clit with your tongue — round and round and round we go. (Remember, the clit protrudes in a recessed area, so there’s those little cavernous depressions around its base, and this would be where you’d be twirling around… every bit as sensitive as the clit’s mound itself, but not as sexually rewarding, so it heightens the tease for us.)
If you’re confident she’ll enjoy it and you know how sensitive to go, you can start to gently nibble the clit from time to time.
But be careful: You spend too long here and you’ll make her orgasm very quickly. Which is GREAT, but to get your bang for your buck, hold out on her and torturously delay the result. It may well be in your favour to only give her one mind-boggling orgasm versus two or three smaller ones. I’m a quality, not quantity gal, myself.
Another trick is to raise one of her legs and chew on the back of the thigh, slowly working your way back to her twat with your mouth, while your fingers of your other hand stroke and toy with her labia. This is one of those moves you can make that interrupts something powerfully arousing like clit-sucking, since she’ll be delighted at the new sensation, but will still be wanting you to return to her sex. That you make your way there slowly, tauntingly is something that’ll bring a smile to her lips as she deliciously waits it out.
Now, it doesn’t matter that it’s called “oral sex.” You want to use your fingers and hands as MUCH as you can. It’s the same for women when giving men head. Always, always, always use your hands throughout the experience. It’s in the multidimensional sensations that the crazy arousals result.
So, entering her with your fingers, too, flicking against the vulvic walls, thrusting in and out, rotating, bending, twisting, is all particularly effective even when you’re chewing her upper regions, like the mons, or even the clit. Best you divide your time amongst all the northern regions, including the inner thighs and outer vaginal ridges.
Be sure you occasionally use the wonderful methodology of covering your teeth with your lips, then clamping down with varying pressures on all areas of her twat. This allows you to be a little more aggressive without hurting her and can help change the pace into something a little more aggressive and animalistic, if that’s your thing. It’s something better used towards the end of the session, though, than the beginning. Think of it as the second act in an exciting action film — it helps you build tension before the shoot’em-up conclusion.
Remember, though, a good number of us enjoy teeth, so make sure you check to see if a nibble’ll do us some good. Me, I like my men to be full-on carnivores, so long as the pressure and intensity isn’t too severe. I don’t like pain.
You can also fire up the vibe, too, and use the vibrator to slide in and out of her as you do any of the above approaches to the other areas of her vagina. Don’t forget to lube it up before insertion, though. This can be used at any point during the session, but again, is best used in verge-of-climaxing second act or last act.
All right, there are guys everywhere who swear by the “Alphabet Technique.” This technique basically entails the guy lying there and “writing out letters” on the surface of the vagina.
The guys’ll tell each other the money’s in this move, that it delivers the goods and gets her riled. They’ll even say, “Oh, I write her dirty notes…” Like we care. Sorry, but it’s true, and the chicks are just trying to spare your feelings.
So, enter Steff the mythbuster.
Honeys, if it takes you doing your ABCs to get us to “Oh!” then so be it. In reality, this doesn’t do for us nearly what you think it does. A tongue trickling over the surface of my cunt entertains me for a minute or so, but then you’d better expand your vocabulary in a hurry if “wild” is what you’re wanting us to read as.
Why do women respond, then? Simple: We don’t get the amount of surface coverage and exploration and variation that our organs really cry out for — considering the entire region south of our belly-buttons to our anus and from the inner-thighs to in-between is all one giant erogenous zone screaming for all-over doting and exploring. So we’ll take it where we can get it.
As part of your repertoire — a small part — it’s a fine thing. Don’t think it’s the last word, because it ain’t even a syllable, really.
Okay, here’s something I don’t think I’ve seen listed in sex tip manuals, but since I’m a hetero girl and I’ve never read up on cunnilingus, that would also make sense. I’ve had guys do this, but they don’t seem to ever realize just how goddamned effective it is, no matter how unsubtle the moaning or gasping becomes. In fact, most of the time it seems to be happening almost inadvertently, like it’s not something they’re intending to do, but just sorta happens. They seem to suffer under the delusion that it’s just what their tongue is doing that’s inciting the reaction. Nopers, not the case, kids.
Allow me to expound.
Now, I am not a Creationist, and never will be, but I gotta say, these “brilliant design” proponents might be onto something.
Why would I say this? Well, have you ever really considered the brilliance of putting the nose above the mouth? I, as a woman, applaud the good lord or whatever it was that deigned THAT as the place to put the nose.
Think about it. You slip your tongue into a woman, and where’s your nose? Hovering oh so wonderfully just above the clit. Oh, MY. I say get that bad boy in on the action. The fleshy cartilege of the nose is the perfect soft-but-firm clit-stimulating thing. Just nuzzle into the clit — in and up — as you thrust your tongue in and up, or you can do the wagging-dog side-to-side action with both your mouth and your nose. Hell, just in and out can do the trick, too. Definitely worth a shot. Do it all, says I. The more, the merrier. And the more I’ll want to repay you.
You get your hands massaging our breasts or teasing our anus (which may not work on select women), or whatever inspires you, and this can be a money shot for you.
If you’re one of those guys who’s always lamented the big size of his nose… It’s time to realize the gift you can give to the women in your life. And I promise, once she gets the goods, she’s gonna like your schnozz more than you can imagine.
But obviously, don’t forget to breathe before you give her the full-face treatment.
And expect that she’s soon gonna start giving you little pecks on that nose of yours and teasingly nibbling the end of it in between lip-kisses, secretly imagining the times you’ve brought her to the edge with that bad boy, now that it’s become a close personal friend of hers.
Brilliant design, my friends. Brilliant.
But so is the body as a whole. All those ways we can bend and move makes a myriad of approaches possible for every sexual experience, including oral. Don’t keep things limited to the same old position. Try moving around. Try in on the table, on the floor, wherever. Environment and position definitely affects these things.
But whatever you do, don’t forget the details.
The Man's Guide to Cunnilingus Pt. 2
I’m assuming you’ve read part one of this? As a preamble to part two, I’d like to get you to read the scene found below from the show Friends. The point is pretty basic: Almost every chick has had the experience where a guy just has no clue how many erogenous zones we have — hell, even the back of the knees and the fold between where the ass and thigh meet can drive some chicks wild.
In short, fairly common hot zones? Nape of neck, earlobes, ears as a whole, tops of shoulders, breasts (all over), nipples, anywhere on the groin, the clit, the labia, the g-spot, the perineum, the mons, the fingers, the toes, the inner thighs, and for some chicks, the list goes on: the back of the neck, down the spine, the ass (the cheeks and everything in between), the torso, the belly button…
Guys can get bitter that chicks are as “sensitive” as they are… (Albeit, they generally mean emotionally.) Well, it applies physically, too, and that can really play to your sexual advantage, especially if you connect the dots as well as Monica does in that scene below.
Men need to realize that everything from lightly twisting the public hair to gnawing on the mons can drive a woman wild when it comes to orally pleasing a chick.
(If you’re furrowing your brows, “Mons?” Then here’s a helpful diagram you can refer to.)
Let’s face it, when it comes to oral, there aren’t a whole lot of different things you need to master. It all comes down to pacing and variety. It comes down to watching your lover, feeling their reaction, understanding those shudders, gasps, moans, and twitches. This is true of oral regardless of whether it’s straight or gay, on a man or a woman. Knowledge, responding to the physical evidence, attention to detail, and variety of methodology/pace are all things you need to bring to the table.
Sex — oral or penetrative — is like driving a standard transmission. Every little thing you do is going to provoke a reaction. It can go so well or so bad, all depending on you mastering those gears, knowing when to gear up, gear down, or when to just ride it out.
That said, there are areas that will provoke greater reactions, and that always, always, always includes the clit.
I don’t know if there’s an area on the man’s body that reacts with the same intensity as a woman’s clit. If there was, it’d probably be the frenulum, that sensitive bit just under the nib of the cock’s tip, which has always been a favourite plaything of mine during fellatio.
But for us girls, the clit is your ticket to orgasmic fame. So don’t even fucking think of starting things there. The clit’s where you go when you want to take her higher, push her to the edge of it all. It’s not an appetizer. It’s not the starter.
The starter is the inner thighs. Chew them, suck them. Trace a finger up and down her cunt as you do. She’s wet now, and ready for something more, anything more, and you know it. But just to be sure, lick your fingers first. Get ‘em good and moist.
Slip a finger in, and thrust it gently in and out a few times, still nibbling on those inner thighs. Slip a second finger in, thrust one or two times, then rotate your fingers completely around in one direction and back again, and again… like you’re using your fingers to wash the inside of a small-mouthed bottle or a dirty shot glass, slowly pulling out and pushing in as you rotate.
Your other hand can be scooped under her ass during this, clutching it, or maybe draped over her torso and fonding a breast. You’re still chewing her inner thigh, but now you move up to the crease of skin between where her leg ends and vagina begins. Start to lick a little, sucking a bit as you do. Slide your wet fingers out and pry her leg back and open for greater access to her goods. Delve your tongue into her.
In case you never got the memo, it’s important to know that while most chicks do love a good, hard fuck, because the animality of it’s the arouser, the reality is that most sensation we feel is when a guy does only shallow, quick thrusts with his dick. The reason for this is that our vulvic walls swell just inside the entrance of our cunt, and it’s the shallow thrusting against these swollen walls that stimulates us the most. When you’re deep inside us, it’s the same breadth and friction all the time, with little variety of sensation — unless you’re hung like Ron Jeremy or something (which does NOT appeal to the average chick).
This is why oral is so goddamned effective — you’re getting us where we most want to be gotten — in the shallows.
Start off just thrusting and flicking with your tongue… deep and hard is always thoroughly good. Try to use the full range of motion with your tongue — all the way up and down. But you should try to acquire the skill of making your tongue as wide as you can. If this means losing length, then so be it. You can vary the exploratory tonguing between both the wide and long approach.
I’m sure it’s a little trickier to manage, but if you can slip a finger in her while you’re doing the tonguing, it can be a really, really arousing sensation. Your thumb is probably the most manageable digit to use for this approach, and that’s just fine.
But what about speed, you ask? There’s a lot to be said for slow and thorough, and there’s also great things to be said about fast and aggressive. I favour a little bit of each, but some nights beckon for all of one or the other. It’s really something that’s going to depend on how she’s reacting and what the mood of your evening has been, and what she needs.
A word to the girls… it can be a real turn-on for men if they know you’re not lying there with your head back and your eyes closed. Watch them, scrutinize them, communicate with your eyes just how good you’re going to fuck them when they’re through. This can heighten your arousal — and theirs — as you watch them gnawing on you. Keep some candles or a light on so they can peer up at you as they’re devouring you. Eye contact is always arousing in oral.
As you continue working her over, you can use both hands to pull her thighs apart, pulling the fleshiness out of the way so you can orally enter her as deep as you can. (Girls, you realize you have a standing invitation to help your man out by doing this for him, too, right? And it’ll often get him rock hard if you do participate. Nothing like a helpful girl to get a man off.)
But don’t do these moves all at once. Remember the Friends’ scene. You want to take breaks, often traipsing up to the mons to chew or lick, and moving occasionally up to her breasts and neck, still devouring her as you go. Smother her with your body, flick your cock head up and down her wet cunt, pressing it hard against her clit, letting it twitch a little if you can, teasing her as you suck and nibble her breasts or neck. Kiss her hard and deep, then soft and slow. Fondle her breasts. As you’re teasing her with your cock, lower it off the clit, flexing it up and down against her as you drop a hand down between you and softly, gently toy with her clit.
A word about the clit. Make sure that when you’re fingering her clit that you’re applying the soft pads of your finger. You have no idea how sensitive to touch the clit can be, and too much nail or bony fingertip can quickly undo all the work you’ve done to this point.
If you’re in touch with your inner bastard, feel free to slip your cock into her for one, two, or three good thrusts, but then pull out and deny her more of the same.
Always leave ’em wanting. That’s my motto. And also my cue.
The cliterature will continue with the next installment, PART THREE, here!
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The Sex Tips Scene from "Friends"
When this scene originally aired nearly a decade ago, I howled with laughter. I thought it was as true then as it is now, that guys fail to realize just how goddamned much of our bodies can be tagged as erogenous zones. This was from early in the fourth season. I think it’s relevant to this topic of cunnilingus.
My point for posting this, actually, is so guys get it into their heads that what we want is for you to wander our various erogenous zones like a gypsy with vertigo. Don’t set up camp, as Monica says. Have no fixed address, and have a variety of rhythms, like a jazz session gone awry.
Part two of the Man’s Guide is in progress. Hang tight.
SCENE:
Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are in the girls’ living room as the topic comes up of Chandler having fucked a woman that previously had slept with Joey.
MONICA: [to Chandler] So, did you do it?
CHANDLER: [dejectedly] Yes, yes, we had the sex.
MONICA: Uh-oh, was it bad?
CHANDLER: It was fine, you know, but she didn’t agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, uh, “Oh, I see your point. I’m all right with it.”
MONICA: Well, it was the first time. You know, there’s not always a lot of agreement on the first time.
RACHEL: Yeah, not for girls anyway. Guys agree… [snaps her fingers] …like that.
CHANDLER: Look, you have to help me, okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman. I know where everything goes. It’s always…”nice.” But I need to know what makes it go from “nice” to “My God, somebody’s killing her in there!”
MONICA: All right, I’m going to show you something a lot of guys don’t know. Rach, hand me that pad over there.
[Rach gets a pad and pen off the table and hands it to Monica.]
MONICA: All right. Now… [starts to draw]
CHANDLER: You don’t have to draw an actual wo– [looks at Monica’s drawing] Woah, she’s hot!
MONICA: Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got… [starts labelling her diagram] …one, two, three…
[Chandler nods impatiently]
MONICA: Four… [now Chandler looks up, surprised] …five, six, and seven.
CHANDLER: [shocked] There are seven?
RACHEL: Let me see that. [looks at the drawing] Oh, yeah.
CHANDLER: [points to diagram] That’s one?
MONICA [chuckling]: Kind of an important one.
CHANDLER: Oh, you know what? I was looking at it upside down.
RACHEL: Well, you know, sometimes that helps.
MONICA: Okay, now, most guys will hit one, two, and three, and then go to seven and set up camp.
CHANDLER: And that’s bad?
RACHEL: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don’t spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
CHANDLER: Well, you might, if it were anything like seven.
MONICA: All right, uh the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. You got to keep them on their toes.
RACHEL: Oh, TOES!!
[She jubilantly raises her hands in air. They both look at her.]
RACHEL [slightly abashed]: Yeah, for some people.
MONICA: Okay, you could, uh, start with a little one… a two… a one, two, three… a three… a five… a four, a three-two… a two, a two-four-six…
[Monica starts to get into it ]
MONICA: Two-four-six… four…
[Rachel kind of moves back and stretches out]
MONICA: A two…
[Monica now has her eyes closed and is getting visibly excited]
MONICA: Two… four-seven… five-seven…
[Chandler looks away from both of them as if he can’t believe what’s happening]
MONICA: Six-seven; seven, seven, [faster] SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-[Chandler looks at her in disbelief] SEVEN-SEVEN!
[Monica, eyes still closed, leans back and shudders and says silently, while holding up seven fingers, “seven”.]