I had an anonymous request to do a companion guide for my “Good Girl’s Guide to Giving Great Head,” so here we go.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Oral sex is best when it’s a long, dedicated endeavour. If you want a quickie, then fuck and be done with it. If you want oral like it should be done, then take the scenic route.
Remember what I say: The devil may be in the details, but so too is the orgasm.
But it’s a two-way street. Chicks, if you want your man to really take his time, then the muffro’s got to go, baby.
Muffro? Self-explanatory, isn’t it? A little term I’ve come up with for the bushy, unshaven twat kept by a segment of women out there. Sure, there are guys who don’t floss enough and might benefit from it, but really… Muffro’s just gotta go.
If your chick does need shaving, but it’s something she does do herself most of the time, don’t be afraid to offer to help. Break out the electric shaver and ask if she’s open to having you do a little gardening for her. Trim that bush. (A tip? Obviously you’re removing hair — do yourself a favour and place a pillowcase or towel underneath her midsection before you go to work. When done, just wipe away the lingering hairs between her legs and crumple the towel and toss it aside. Now you’re ready to proceed.)
Remember that “two-way street?” There are hygiene issues for men, too. Make sure your nails are short and filed to a nice, smooth edge. You can’t possibly imagine how tender areas of the vagina can be, and those nails are a huge issue for some of us. I’ve given a man a manicure to prevent pain later. Don’t be afraid to offer such services to your man, chicks.
I had one reader mention how he and his lover (also a man) often use rubber gloves when exploring the more sensitive regions of their bodies. I can see how this would work, but it’s the quick’n’easy cure to an otherwise easily remedied problem via the above-mentioned manicure servicing. Rubber gloves, for me, are far too fucking clinical for what should be a passionate experience. It’s bad enough we have to wear condoms (not a negotiable item in any casual experience, period) but to increase the amount of clinical latex in the experience? I say no.
Fact is, sex is usually about skin-on-skin contact. Don’t be a lazy guy. Take care of your hands. Make sure you use hand cream from time to time, and make sure those nails are of insertion-level standards.
And what about beards and facial hair? A closely-trimmed goatee can be exciting for me. I sorta dig that. I also love it when a guy’s got two- or three-day stubble. It gets me, personally, really hot. The downside? It’s a little abrasive and I can’t take as much oral as I might otherwise receive. (But there’s a lot to be said for that aggressive, quicker experience on selective occasions. God, is there.)
A clean-shaven face is the safest way to go. Soulpatches can also be a total turn-on. Conversely, not mustaches so much. Because of the way the mouth and lips move, the soulpatch can stimulate all the right areas, but not overly so, since there’s so little hair to worry about.
Another issue not often brought up can be that of chipped teeth. Many chicks can attest to the great sensation of having their clit nibbled. Chipped teeth, though, can make this an unpleasant experience with that rough edge messing up what might have been a really hot experience.
If you’re new to the act of nibbling clits, I’ll say the same thing to you as I’d tell any chick teething a guy’s cock. Not every chick will enjoy this. Inquire as to whether it’s turning her on. If so, then have at ‘er. If not, then sucking will have to do.
Now, let’s move on. Should she be seated, lying down, or on your face?
A lot of guys have this fetishistic love for chicks sitting atop their faces as they eat her out. All right, I can understand it, but let’s face it: It can be murder on a chick’s thighs to stay there too, too long, and it takes a hell of a lot more concentration on her part. It’s often more for you than for her, since lying down allows her to just give in to the sensation. If driving her wild’s your destination, then keep that in mind.
If you want to do all-out, intensive exploration, let the woman lie down. Let it be all about her. The reality is that you don’t have to be in that same boring position with your head perpendicular between her legs. You can vary the geographic approach a little, even if you are horizontal, and I’ll get to that later.
First of all, though, an important thing guys need to realize is that there’s a reason it’s called “oral sex:” Because it needs foreplay, too.
Don’t just undo her pants and sic yourself on her. If you want a night where you drive her wild, I recommend the massage-to-oral transition for guys, as well. (I referred to that technique in the Girl’s Guide, too.)
If you don’t know, there are flavoured/edible oils out there that really make massage a delicious way to arouse and relax your partner simultaneously. The folks at Kama Sutra (the brand name, not the centuries old guide to the art of Tantra) make a number of sumptuous oils, like Cinnamon Spice, Raspberry Kiss, Ambrosia, Cherry Almond, and a couple more.
(Kama Sutra also has a nifty 5-oil sampler pack so you can have a smorgasboard of tasty experiences. Here’s just one of many retailers selling it online, just so you can see what I mean. These prices are very good. Kama Sutra products are awesome. Something that can do wonders for the yummy-factor of your skin, for either sex, is dusting with their Honey Dust before you meet your lover for the night. It leaves your skin tasting sweet like honey, particularly after you start getting a little hot and bothered. Very erotic and really helps bring out the carnivore in a lover.)
If the notion of giving a “good” massage leaves you with a little stage fright, then how about some pointers?
If she’s already willing to be naked, then get that out of the way. We’re picking up there: She’s naked, stretched out on the bed. An auspicious start, yes?
You can either be at her side or seated atop her bottom. The latter gives you better leverage and a more useful angle to do your work from. Plus, it feels good for both of you and always heightens the arousal aspect ever so slightly. Always my favourite position for a well-applied massage.
Now, a good massage always starts around the neck. Slow kneading of her shoulder-top muscles is a great way to instantly help her relax into the moment. An important issue to point out that’s more relevant to male-on-female massage is that of intensity. A lot of women are more sensitive to deep-tissue work — and not in a good way. Don’t just assume your pressure is good. Ask her. Don’t ask, “Do you like this?” but rather, ask “Is this too hard?” If she says “yes,” then find your way to what works for her. Don’t take it personally and don’t question her tastes. Do what she likes.This goes both ways.
Back to the gameplan. You’re kneading her neck the way she likes. Don’t forget to dote on that area at the top of her neck, where the skull meets the spine. This is the area that most contributes to relaxation. Spend a moment of two there, and then move on south. Don’t forget to throw the occasional neck nibble into the mix.
Dabble on the shoulders, and work your way down her spine, with the heel of your hand in the center on either side of the spine, and fingers stretched out. Just work it, occasionally skimming the surface lightly, like a soft breath, so she continues relaxing and falls into that lucid, sedate state. Don’t worry… you’re going to make her grow alert.
Now, towards the end of the back massage, as your hands slide down her back, follow your progress with your mouth. You can nibble and bite your way down, right down onto her ass, using a hand to massage her inner thighs, staying on the outer ridges of the vagina at the very least. You’re not going there yet.
The basic point, massage or no, is to work over her body before you work over her twat. Get her riled and excited before you enter her with your tongue or fingers. There’s something really great about getting the whole body relaxed before you tense her up with all that teasing and taunting of bringing her to the edge and retreating again.
With the back tended to, have her roll over, if she hasn’t already. You can mount her as you did with her backside, if you like, without entering her. It can be very, very arousing to simply have the length of your shaft pressing against the length of her cunt. It’s a very effective tease, so definitely pay attention to this detail.
If you’re taking this massage/foreplay approach, then lather her breasts and torso with the flavoured oil. Some of the most effective and erotic moves are also the simplest, like running your oily hands up her sides, all the way up her arms and returning slowly down them to rub and massage her shoulders from the front. Slowly move your hands down — rubbing her breasts, fiddling with the nipples, squeezing a little, or harder if she likes that kind of action. (I’d approve, but I’m not sure how many women like having their breasts aggressively manhandled. Chicks, care to vote on this?)
I feel that the more you explore and cover her whole body, the more she’ll lose any inhibitions she might have. When guys focus only on our ass, tits, and twats, our inhibitions about our imperfections can really shout at us. When they’re unafraid to own our whole bodies during the sexual experience, it can really bring out our boldness. When you want her, want all of her. She will respond — guaranteed.
Lean in and mouth her tits. Nibble, suck, and tongue them. (I say “tongue” as a verb as opposed to lick, since there’s a lot you can do with a tongue that doesn’t just involve licking — you can apply pressure, simply flick it, or more. Discover your tongue’s hidden talents in all areas of sex, not just oral.)
Fondle the other breast, and if you want to make her feel really cared for at this point, you can run a hand up to the back of her neck and knead it a little while you orally dote on the nipples. There’s a real pleasure to be found in simultaneously mixing sensitive actions with aggressive ones. The balance can be really fulfilling when you’re on the receiving end, so explore ways you can provide a little of each over the course of an evening.
If you’ve mounted her and have your shaft pressed between her legs, don’t forget to teasingly shift it from time to time. This’ll also keep you clued in to whether she’s wet enough to toy with yet, without having to use your hands. Hopefully, it’ll also keep you aroused and make you want to perform better as you’re sensing her level of arousal growing.
Smother her with your body, nibble her neck, kiss her on the lips, whatever you want to be doing, and then let the games begin.
Snake down her body, nibbling and sucking and biting as you go, until you reach that promised land.
Category Archives: Sex
Ex-Sex: Breaking/Making Up
What should’ve been a six month relationship stretched into seven years because of ex-sex. Every time T. and I broke up (let’s just say it didn’t take a blue moon), we’d encounter each other socially since we ran in the same circles, and next thing you’d know, we’d be up against a private wall or back at his place.
For a time, maybe four or five weeks, it’d be incredible. We’d hook up at 10, 11, 12 at night and just do what we did, what we did so goddamned well, until I always invariably left him just before sunrise for my long drive home.
(God, I loved those sunrise home stretches. I still remember that spent but relaxed drive with quality alone time and music, hitting that curve in the highway where the sun would be rising behind Mount Baker, glimmering over the distant ocean.)
But then we’d somehow fall back into the pattern of passion and caring for each other, and next thing you know, we’d be “an item.”
Then it’d all start falling apart all over again. The deconstruction would never take more than three or four months, usually less.
The funny thing was, when it was just sex, we were more there for each other. We’d have these really passionate conversations before and after. We’d lay there on his roof under the stars and talk about anything from poetry and film to philosophy and science. We could really count on each other emotionally, even if only in conversation.
Then convention would enter the picture and we’d start measuring ourselves against this perceived idea of sex and romance, we’d start getting jealous or bitter towards each other, and we’d crumble with a vengeance.
“That” guy, in those four or five blissful weeks, was a guy I thought I could be with for decades. He’s one of the primary reasons I’m as articulate and well-written as I am. He was a huge influence on me intellectually, and those nights of lying in bed, climaxing, then conversing… I’m not sure I’ve ever had such a dually pleasurable experience. Getting off physically, then intellectually… that’s really unbeatable.
And that’s what ex-sex can offer: a pared-down version of a relationship, where all you’ve really got is the intimacy. With that intimacy, tends, in my experience, to come a kind of simplicity that often gets lost in everyday relationships. Once you step out of the narrow confinces of ex-sex, relationships get bogged down with mundanities that tend to incite conflict or apathy. It’s a shame, but that’s how it often works, since that’s usually what killed it the first time around.
I love ex-sex. I love how right that wrong always feels. So goddamned right.
Hell, I want a longterm boyfriend right now just so I can break up with him and then crawl right back. I wouldn’t be the only one crawlin’, I assure you. That prolonged denial followed by incredible satiating… Always a wonderful thing.
So, I’m wondering what your ex-sex experiences were. Come on. You know you’ve had ‘em. After all, there’s nothing quite like being surprised with the familiar. There’s something great about ex-sex, just like going home again. It’s warm, cozy, moist, and good, and you already know it’s a failure, so you don’t need to worry about perfection or how it shakes down the next day, right?
So tell me about your experiences. Emotionally, did you find it easier? Did it seem more honest, less forced? More detached? Meaningless, even? Intimate? Better than it was during peacetime? Were you hurt? Did you care? Was it fun? How did it reignite? Did they push for more? Did you get back together? How did it get complicated, and did that end it? And whatever else occurs to you.
Sexual Q&A: It's a gusher! Ejaculation ethics
This is a MONSTER post. It’s a monster topic. I’m hoping to provoke a lot of discussion and will leave this front and centre for a couple days.
Recently, an anonymous poster asked about the notion of “facials.” IE: Ejaculating on a lover’s face during the act.
I had a conversation with my friend GayBoy about this not too long ago, since I was interested in his perspective on the matter after he’d posted a fun photo on his blog and I’d made a comment, and when we were walking around town later in the week, he began taunting my apprehensions. The discussion that followed was interesting, so I’ve actually thought a lot about this in the last few weeks and am excited to have the opportunity to open what I hope will be a very interesting dialogue between us all.
You should read anonymous’s original question here, since it’s too long to quote. It’s the 3rd comment down.
STEFF RESPONDS:
Facials are a huge topic, in my view, when it comes to the difference between man/woman and man/man relationships.
GayBoy told me how seeing cum on the face of a lover is very, very arousing, and that it’s quite popular in the gay community. I sort of understood this and I can even kind of see the male mentality as to why it’s hot.
But then it becomes a man/woman issue, and I think there’s groundwork I need to lay down before I can really get to the heart of Anon’s Q.
I don’t talk about feminism on either of my blogs. I don’t feel I should have to talk about it. I’m a strong, sassy chick filled with independence and verve. I don’t “need” a man, never have. I’m not interested in marriage, I don’t want kids, and I’ll never, ever allow myself to depend financially on the dick in my life. Period.
That said, there’s no reason why that should impede my love for men, my appreciation of all they bring to my life. Most of my friends are male, in fact.
I don’t think gender needs to complicate matters, and I’m never vindictive or mean towards men just because they’ve got cocks and a different minset than me. Women who do behave in that manner are bitches, not feminists, and I resent being lumped in with them.
I’m not an “equality” seeker because I think there are definitely things men do better than women and vice versa. I’d rather have my life saved by a male firefighter than a female, and I don’t give a fuck what that may or may not make me seem in the eyes of certain females. That said, I absolutely feel equal in the bedroom, if not superior.
As a woman, sex can be very, very empowering. Knowing more about what to do and how to do it, how to elicit the reactions I want, and how to leave a man gasping, all these things have given me power, not stripped it from me. It has given me more respect in my relationships, regardless of what the media seems to think about sexy women, because the men in my life have loved that I’m willing to do what it takes to bring them incredible pleasure.
But given that I have such strong opinions about being respected and appreciated and having my boundaries known and adhered to by my lovers means I also have strong opinions on things like facials.
First, though, is the issue of equality. Again, I’ve said I’m not interested in equality per se, but when it comes to facials and cumming on your female lover’s body, there IS NO EQUALIZER.
There is nothing — NOTHING — a woman can do to a man that will be on that level. There is nothing we can do to “mark” you, to display our ownership of you. The most we can do is leave a lipstick ring on your cock, and that simply adds to your sensation of dominating and conquering, instead of giving us some semblance of that ownership — which is what the psychological payback is for a man when they cum on a lover’s face.
“That’s my cum. Her face. Mine. All mine.”
You can justify it or idealize it any way you want, but that’s essentially how it boils down. It’s simply more objectification. It’s more of us females being under the male thumb, in theory.
(Bear with me, you might be surprised what I have to say in the end. I’ll get there soon.)
As women, we’re constantly objectified. Whether it’s a car advertisement or in porn, here in North America, we’re constantly made to feel as though we’re sex objects and seldom anything but. Maybe it’s because you can’t stop looking at our tits when you talk to us, or the leering glances we get wandering the streets. Maybe it’s that we’re always on our knees sucking your cock in porn videos when the reality is that we’re usually at your level, lying on a bed, or even hovering over you as we perform fellatio.
When I do my posts for this dirty little bloggie, I often scan through endless pathetically stereotypical porn shots in my quest for the classy fine art nudes you see before you. It works out to maybe one photo found for every 100-200 I see. So much of the porn I see has women almost being victimized and seeming to enjoy it. How fucking ludicrous. I love watching people have sex (and here’s a fine example from my other blog). I hate porn. Do the math.
Many of the shots I find in my quest for images include women looking thrilled that some huge glob of spunk is streaming down her face, like she just won the fucking lottery or something. “Oh, for me?! You shouldn’t have, you sweetie!”
The reality is the opposite. Yeah, there are women who dig it, absolutely. And power to you, babe, if that’s what you’re into. Whatever. I’m down with kinks. But there are also chicks and guys who want to be pissed on, people who want to literally eat shit as part of the sexual experience, people who are into degradation as a means of heightening the experience. And that cup of tea just ain’t right for a large segment of people. Straight up.
It bothers me — profoundly — that there’s still so much stereotypical degradation and filth attached to sex. It bothers me that my site with these tasteful nude shots and this graduation towards the sensual and the erotic is somehow “exceptional” and not the norm. Why the fuck not? Why can’t THIS be hot? Why can’t THIS be the norm?
So you need to understand that ME, my personal reluctance to having a man cum on my face is NOT preceded by hangups and weaknesses. It’s because I’m just not wanting to feel that way — to feel owned. I don’t want to be consciously reminded that there is no equalizer for me when you cum on my face. I’m not interested in being further objectified in the bedroom.
BUT…
That said… in a relationship with a man I dig, a man I love, a man I want to please to no end, yes, I might let it happen. (Although I’d rather not.)
It is something that should be discussed, I think. But when that moment arises, when he’s about to cum, he doesn’t really need to ask my permission before he does it. However, he better fucking well understand that it’s for him, that it’s something I do because I want him to feel like I’m willing to go to any length to see him pleasured. Because I am willing.
I will not point it out and say, “Look what I’m willing to do for you.” That sort of self-martyrizing is bullshit and it’s manipulation. It has no business in the bedroom or in any relationship in your life. PERIOD.
He’s a man, an adult, and he should just understand it. Most will.
A casual one-night stand and he cums on my face? I’m glad he came, because now he’s gone. Done like dinner, man. You don’t get that privilege if you’re some fuck-n-go contributor to my evening’s hijinks. Like I say, I’m not promiscuous, I’m not a casual sex fan, but that’s not to say it hasn’t happened. It sure as hell has, but my boundaries are different in casual sex. In a relationship, there’s so much more I’m willing to do for him.
In YOUR relationship, Mr. Anonymous, I say go for it. Have the conversation. But your question is, how?
With great difficulty, that’s how. There’s no way you’re going to ever feel comfortable or at ease asking about such a complex sexual favour, not being the liberated and caring man you clearly sound like you are. But in a good relationship, you need to take those risks. It’s those risks that lead you to that higher sexual consciousness that really brings home the thrill of connecting deeply with your lover.
But you knew that. It’s why you’ve asked.
You state that you have previously accidentally shot your load on her face and it’s made you feel horrible yet aroused. I suspect that part of the arousal for men is the knowledge, deep down, that there’s absolutely no fucking need to shoot cum on a face. We love the forbidden, and that’s not a trait exclusive to either sex, so I can understand that mentality. It’s why I’m willing to indulge a man I care for.
But you’ve done it already, like I just stated. So do it again, “accidentally,” but next time, follow it with conversation. Apologize. Tell her you’re sorry it landed where it did. Tell her to wait there. Go get a nice, warm, wet handtowel and a dry towel, and gently, lovingly clean her face as you tell her again that it was unintentional. Wash her face, dry it off, but continue the conversation as you do.
Be on your knees, bedside, eye-level as you speak with her. Being on your knees is like a psychological act of submission, it will speak louder than you can imagine.
Ask her to forgive you. She may stop you then and there and say it’s okay. Problem solved. Maybe she doesn’t speak because she wants to see what you say next — which is probably how I’d respond — not at all, yet.
So, then, you want to lower your voice as if confessing and just tell her that although it fills you with shame and strangeness, that the sight of your spunk on her face did something primal to you, but that the shame and guilt almost negate that arousal. Then you just simply ask. There’s no way to really word it or phrase it so it’s easy to say.
What I’d maybe try to say is something along the lines of, “Look, I feel awful about just doing that, but it really turned me on. I don’t ever want to subject you to feeling like you’re just some plaything of mine, but if you’d ever indulge me and just let me do that to you without all this emotional baggage I’m feeling right now, I don’t think I could even tell you how amazingly turned on and indebted I’d feel to you. You don’t have to answer me now, but think about it, and if you’d be willing… my god. I can’t imagine the pleasure you would give me… I’d be putty in your hands.”
If a guy said something like that to me, and I understood that he realized what he was asking of me, I’d never say no.
Conversely, “Honey, you’re so hot with my spunk chunks on your face. Can I do that again next Friday?” is probably going to kill your chances. But you knew that. 😉
In summary? I’m not a fan of ever getting cummed on. Period. I understand that in the give-and-take world of sex, it’s to be expected. I understand what it does to my lovers when they’re able to see their secretions on me.
As fucked up as I sort of think it is, I just make my peace with the fact that it’s one of those male things that I, as an open-minded but middle-of-the-road chick, will probably always be slightly baffled by.
But that’s all right. Both sexes have their mysteries and intrigues, but it’s communication and reaching understandings that close those gaps between us. Sometimes, it requires doing something you think is out of your safety zone. Sometimes, the things we think are depowering us and leaving us cloaked in filth or what have you will actually wind up strengthening the relationship in ways nothing else could.
Sometimes, allowing your partner to “violate” your boundaries is the kindest, most loving thing to do.
And I understand that and accept it. That’s what sex is.
Maybe I’m the exception, maybe I’m the feminist chick who just doesn’t want to be cummed on, but I suspect there are other chicks out there who feel the same and that they are a majority. I’d love to hear the female POV on this — and I know the male readers are probably thrilled to have this discussion opened up.
So, chicks, what page are you on? How does it make you feel? Is it a respect thing? Is it a disgusting thing? Does it turn you on? Do you think I’ve overthought it? Have I missed anything? How could a guy convince you it’s something you should do? Or CAN he convince you?
Guys, is it something you wish your woman would allow more of? Does she already allow it? Do you care if she does? Has the issue ever changed a relationship on you? If you’re a gay male, how all-encompassing is this behaviour? Does it arouse you? Do YOU have issues with getting a cumshot in the face? Why? Why not?
Sexual Q & A: Threesomes
Tonight’s topic? Menage a trois.
HERMES ASKS: Threesomes?
STEFF ANSWERS:
Oh, my. I’ve never really given threesomes a lot of thought. No guy I’ve been with has ever brought the topic up or asked if I’d be willing. So, I’m going to just run with my train of thought here. Bear with me.
So, have I? No.
Would I? I think so. Depends on the extra wheel.
The “extra wheel” stipulation brings us to the dilemma of two guys versus two girls… Which brings us firstly to the dilemma of anal.
I’ve done anal, not just once, and didn’t enjoy it (painful, awkward). Maybe it was the guy, I don’t know. I’d probably try it again in the future since my attitude towards things has been expanding quite a bit in the last year or so, if the right partner came along. I stress the latter. (It’s also a size-dependent issue, if you get my drift.)
But going at it with two guys would probably be better suited if I was a fan of anal. Given that I’m not, I don’t think I’d go that way. I once thought I’d be into two guys. I’m not sure when that shift occurred, but it did, and now I think otherwise, and have for a while now.
I think part of it might be the occasional male attitude towards sex. The fuck-me-hard, fuck-me-now, let-me-access-all-of-you bullshit that can wear thin. I’m not that kinda girl, not in plural, anyhow.
I have seldom ever heard a male account of a two-guys-one-gal threesome that didn’t sound like it belonged in some pulp porn movie. It always winds up sounding like she’s some whore who got fucked silly. Whatever turns your crank. It don’t turn mine.
I’m not orgiastic about sex. I’m passionate, driven, curious, sensual, open, creative, and exploratory, and though I can be a dirty girl, it’s not a defining characteristic of mine. I’m more mischevious, devilish, and playful than I am filthy, though I can talk dirty with the best of ’em (and do).
I haven’t come to that point where I can reconcile with the idea of whoring myself in any kind of capacity that leaves me wishing I’d had more self-respect the next day. Maybe I will be able to reconcile that one day, but I’m not holding my breath.
So, for me, sex is very passionate, very emotional, very sensual, and not something I usually take lightly, which is why I’m not promiscuous. When I have sex, I am all there, all the time, and the notion of two guys fighting for my attention SHOULD excite me, but it perplexes me. I can’t shut off my laserlight focus that I bring to the bed. I can’t divide that between two men, and I’m pretty sure the one guy who gets to receive my affections probably doesn’t want me to, knowing what he’s in for.
Yeah, I just can’t identify with two guys fucking me on one night. It just doesn’t do anything for me. Right now, anyhow. “As far as I know.” And this is going on the stereotypical experience, as I described above.
HOWEVER… if I had all creative control? If I could orchestrate the night? If what I said went? If my boundaries were understood and respected? If I trusted both men implicitly? If it was a sensual experience and not just a sweaty fuckfest?
That could well be an entirely different scenario since I’m a VERY situation-specific kinda gal. Everything depends on the night, the mood, my edge or lack thereof. I’m known to be very, very, very spontaneous and mood-driven, and even my friends of 15 years will tell you I constantly surprise them. With me, you never know.
The right extra guy might be something I can’t pass up. I’m too fucking smart and too old to dismiss something out of hand without knowing the particulars. I mean, if I was in a relationship and J. passed me on the street, or B. or E. or J2 or one of the other great lovers I’ve had, I’d love to bring him home for a night of fun and games with a present lover, because I’d trust them and they would know where my boundaries lay. I guess that would be the breaking/making point.
Bringing a chick into the equation, yeah, actually, I’d be totally down with that. Tomorrow. Seriously. I’d be awkward and nervous at first, but I’m confident I’d overcome that quickly with the right duo. Women have a different mentality about sex — or the ones I know, do. But it would depend on the chick, and I’m sorta specific about what kinda girl would get me riled.
As I posted recently, I’ve become very interested in having a female explore me, especially orally, and I’d be interested in a limited exploration in return. Honestly, I’d be kinda into having the guy watch her going down on me. That would really, really get me hot. The sex that would follow would probably be pretty incredible. God, the idea of it right now gets me bothered just thinking of it.
Hmm. Let me take a moment longer to think of that. Lovely. Nice. Yes, that I’d well be into. Sigh. Yep. Mm.
So, then, what do I really think of threesomes? (shrug) I don’t know. I’m on the fence. It can be an exciting diversion in a relationship, I’m sure. I wouldn’t ever want them to be a dominating aspect of my relationships. I love the part of sex where it’s all about exploring with my partner. My partner. Every now and then, to shake things up? Cool.
Now ask me what I think of swinging.
Did I answer that oh-so-very-vague question well enough for you, H?
And what do you folks have to say on the topic of threesomes?
Have you? Would you? What turns you on about it? What turns you off? When would be the right time? Is it the sign of things going awry in a serious, committed relationship? Can you in fact be seriously committed yet bring in outside sex for kicks without compromising the future of your relationship? Has it happened to you where you brought a third party in and had the relationship tank as a result?
Sexual Q & A: How Can I Spice Things Up?
ANONYMOUS ASKS: What’s a girl to do when her new boyfriend is VERY conservative and she wants to shake things up? Suggestions? This guy is NOT experienced but he’s really adorable.
STEFF ANSWERS: Keeping in mind that conservative attitudes about sex are usually resulting from ignorance or fear, I think you gotta proceed slowly.
If this were me, I’d probably proceed in any one of a few different ways. In fact, I’d recommend trying them all. Education shouldn’t happen in one fell swoop, neither should sexual expansion. Slow, graduated learning will make it more meaningful for both of you, if that’s what you’re after.
1) I might write him a very naughty, explicit letter detailing a few things I’d like to do to him. When he’s leaving one morning/night, put it in his wallet or something like that, so he finds it at an unexpected time and place. When it’s out of the blue and he’s alone with time to process things, and not in front of you, it may leave him more open to suggestion. Plus, if you’re arousing enough on the page, he might just find himself in a situation where he wishes you were around to aid with relief. (This could possibly backfire, too, so you need to be careful how far you go on the page. Subtly alluding to things could be as big a turn-on as being explicit, depending on your man.)
2) I suggest just taking him by surprise in bed. If he’s never done bondage, for example, maybe don’t talk to him about it in advance if you believe he’ll cringe. While you’re on top, simply playfully pin his arms over his head and loosely put a pair of nylons or something else that you’ve got conspicuously handy around his wrists, so he can get out if he likes, and proceed as you like. So, make it the illusion of bondage instead of the real thing, to take the fear out of the experience. (I wouldn’t recommend blindfolding with bondage at the same time if he’s nervous. It can be pretty overwhelming when you’re knew to it, speaking from experience here. ‘course, I fell in love with the feeling, but still, a lot to process.)
3) Another way to proceed is to just introduce one small new thing per session. Bring in food one time. Start off with a massage and oral another time. Try nailing him publically in a forest or something sometime. Vary the experience one teensy way each time until you’ve acquired a kaleidoscope of shared experiences. Then you’ll get to pick and choose.
4) Something else to try might be something like 101 Romantic Nights (a sex game where you roll the dice and refer to a book to see what your tasks for the evening are) or something similar, where you’re told what to do next through a book or something. There are other books, like 101 Grreat Nights of Romance, that come with sealed pages and just a tease as to what might lie ahead. You break the seal on the page to get the instructions for the evening, and you do what you’re told. They’re pretty tame, by and large, but they’re definitely an introduction to thinking outside the box when you’re a conservative lover, plus the creativity included might be pleasantly surprising for him, but the instructions and tips might take some pressure of of him when it comes to performing. But there are also a lot of inventive little role-playing antics and such, with a list of what you might require for the evening — and some of these may be new to experienced lovers, too.
5) It may well be that he’s intimidated by your experience. Bring the issue up casually, in a non-threatening way, when you’re having a quiet night on the sofa, watching a movie. Discuss the intimidation and tell him you can understand it if he feels that way, but you don’t want him feeling it anymore, and ask what you can do to help make it go away. You can ask him to design a night that will be comfortable for him, but he may feel pressured as a result, so I don’t really recommend that.
I think a lot of chicks tend to forget that, when it comes to sex, a lot of pressure, most of it (if not all), is on the guy. Their plumbing needs to be working, their size needs to be adequate, their skills are the ones that dominate the experience… an inexperienced guy with an experienced chick probably has a whole lot of issues to deal with, and being relatively gentle yet provocative is the only way to proceed if he’s timid.
6) Finally, maybe you can just watch a movie with a great sex scene in it, like the infamous refrigerator scene in 9 1/2 Weeks, and teasingly suggest you should do that, or any other sex scene you’ve enjoyed cinematically. I’m talking films, not porn. I don’t think porn’s the way to go when you’re easing someone in, since the expectations could seem unrealistic. But after you’ve said, “hey, that looks like fun, could we try that?” take him by surprise and go down on him.
Personally, all of my sexual experimentation came as a result of conversations that got the ball rolling. But I’m an imaginative and visual gal, so maybe it impacted me more that way.
In short? Again, be provocative but gentle. If he seems to be getting intimidated, then address it in a non-judgmental way. Let him know you want to teach him, that it’s important to you to show him just how good you can make him feel in every single way. You can bring dominance into the equation after you’re both on level ground. Have fun getting there. 😉
Do my male readers have any suggestions for Miss Anonymous, or feedback on mine?
Damien: Concludes
(To join the party where it starts, read part one here and part two here.)
When we left off, Damien was devouring me with oral. If you don’t want that, don’t read the earlier parts (you silly). We pick up well into his muff-diving ventures, where I’m on the verge of reaching my very happy place.
_________________
clutch your pictures of the pope
pray to god for love and hope
clutch your pictures of the pope
pray to god for love and hope
I didn’t care about potential spectators now. All I wanted was to come. Gasping, I let go of him and clutched the counter’s edge as I leaned away from him, spreading my legs the little further they could go. His tongue plunged into me, flicking and darting, as his thumb began feverishly massaging my clit.
I accidentally bit my lip so hard it bled as my body shook its way to orgasm. Coming, I shuddered violently and collapsed against the wall. He continued sucking and nibbling, which was becoming unbearable now that I was through, so I forced him off of me, pulling his head up and away from my mounds until he was eye-level with me.
Still looking hungry — famished — he gnashed his mouth against mine. Our tongues began fighting with each other as he leaned his still-hard cock against me.
bring the virgin home for luck
bolt the door down, keep it shut
bolt the door down, keep it shut
Biting my lip and taunting me, lightly toying with my pubes, he dug into his pocket and produced a condom. He tore the packet open, and before he could proceed, I took it from him.
Gripping his shaft’s base and tugging slowly, but hard, back and forth with my left hand, I used my right hand to slip the condom on his throbbing cock and unrolled it as slowly and deliberately as I could, tugging all the while, until the rubber extended fully.
He kissed me hard as I stroked him a few times more, but then he again pinned my arms behind my back as his cock fumbled its way to my vaginal opening and then, with pressure, slid tightly between my swollen, shivering lips.
i tried hard to mend my wicked ways
We fucked fast and furious, knowing the partygoers lingering across the lawn, seeing them flicker their flashlights on the leaves in the forest, past the greenhouse, the sounds of their shallow, distant laughter contrasting with our slurping, thumping, and the smacking of rapid fucking, all rounded out nicely by our endless gasps and groans.
the damage done
there’s nothing left to save
there’s nothing left to save
Neither of us were interested in making this a long, meaningful encounter, and that much was clear as he held my legs up and thrust deep and long into me, over and over and over and over again.
and i tried
and i tried
and i tried
and i tried
and i tried
and i tried
and i tried
I’d never had such a frenzied, semi-public session of sex like that before, being only 20. Judging by Damien’s fevered thrusting, it was a new experience for him, too. I was so riled, so ready to come.
He bit his lip and gutterally groaned, moving his hands around my ass, and pulled me as hard onto his cock as he could, holding me there as long as he could, throbbing hard inside me, as he gyrated his cock ever so slightly. Mere moments of this, and I couldn’t help but orgasm. Gasping, I shuddered violently during that hard, sustained thrust, tremendously weakening his resolve as I collapsed against him.
He groaned and gritted his teeth, slowly pulling his cock out, then forcing it back in, hard. And again. And again.
and i tried
and i tried
and i tried
And I moaned. He thrust hard into me a fourth time, but this time, was rocked with convulsions and crumpled against me, coming almost painfully, groaning, with his neck and face covered in sweat as he gasped for breath, his mouth cupping my neck. “Mm,” he chuckled weakly, now wasted and spent.
clutch your pictures of the pope
just like i told you
pray to god for love and hope
just like i warned you
just like i told you
pray to god for love and hope
just like i warned you
We stayed there for a few minutes, slumped, still wet, against each other, just getting our breaths back. I noticed the partygoers hadn’t advanced one bit.
“We could’ve taken our time after all.”
Damien looked outside, looked at me, and laughed.
“Mm, god, no. I wouldn’t change a thing. We did just fine,” he sighed, still exhausted.
“Beats the hell out of lame techno, at the very least.”
“Oh, hell, that might even beat the shit out of the Beasties, you know, and they rock. Hard.” He groaned softly, and nibbled my neck, softly singing their anthem. “You gotta fight for your right — to par-tay…”
I chuckled quietly.
With that, we tidied up at a nearby sink to return to the party. We kept the conversation light. Neither of us mentioned seeing each other again.
After that night, we ran in the same circles occasionally, and always shared a knowing smile, but nothing more. As cool as he was, you just knew he couldn’t be a “boyfriend.”
Didn’t matter. Before long, I was back with T. anyways.
T., who never did find out.
bring the virgin home for luck
just like i told you
bolt the door down, keep it shut
just like i warned you
just like i told you
bolt the door down, keep it shut
just like i warned you
Which is just as well… considering.
Shut Up and Screw
[Ed. Note: It’s three years later and my thoughts on sounds during sex have drastically changed. Sure, I lapse into silence, but I consider sound a very important way of letting a lover know what’s working and what could use some work.]
I’ve been very heavy on the description in the Saga of J., but seemingly light on the dialogue. So, let me explain.
During sex, when I’m not using my mouth for pleasure, I keep it shut.
My enjoying of the silence stretches back to “the day.” When I was in my teens, my first lover lived with his mom, since he was my age. We were together for the better part of 7 years, on “breaks” often, hence the Saga of J. and other tasty delights (patience), but when we were together, the sex was the reason, aside from both of us being intelligent lit-types, of course.
Sex fascinated us and encapsulated our relationship. We’d have sex multiple times, never just once. I remember endless nights with five go-rounds. But, that said, geography was a bitch, and our encounters often needed creativity and discipline.
There were only two-and-a-half places we could count on for sex: my car, his place, and when the cosmos aligned ever so magically, though obviously infrequently, my bedroom at home.
The catch with his place, the most convenient of our options?
It was a loft bedroom with three-foot walls, and no door. The stairs led directly into his room. Their creakiness was a godsend, as nothing else would signal an impending intruder.
The culprit? His mom, this super-petite woman, 4’8” high, and weighed about a buck. She moved with the grace of a faerie. Meaning: We could never hear the bitch.
God, it was difficult. There we were, feircely sexual, exploring each other at our every opportunity, and no private place to do it in. Sex had to be absolutely silent.
But the silence had its uses.
The best attribute of his bedroom was just outside the sliding glass door, where he had access to the entire rooftop of his apartment building — strangely, he had the only access, except the always-locked utility door.
Sometimes, we’d pull his mattress out that glass door and onto the roof of the building, where we’d fuck under the stars during the spring and summer. We’d enjoy keeping it quiet since we’d hear the city bustling past below, during the act.
But we never spoke, we never urged the other on. Silence was as much a part of the game of sex as lube was. It helped us tremendously when we discovered what a turn-on sex in public places could be, but that’s another tale for another time.
Anything we said was said by our eyes or our actions or a select group of barely audible utterances. Such as: a shuddering gasp, stifled groan, a quick intake of breath, muffled moan, or exhaling sharply.
They’re all seemingly small and inconsequential sounds, but I assure you, they are well beyond communicative.
There isn’t a lover in the world who shouldn’t be able deduce what a shuddering gasp is trying to reveal.
The thing is, though, that when you have only a few perfectly concise sounds you emit in otherwise-silent sex, it’s very, very clear what’s working. But when you’re largely silent, the sex act itself becomes intensely focused on both the body language and the looks that should ultimately say it all, that should mean both players are utterly involved.
The memo I got said that was kind of the idea. Unfortunately, the memo apparently wasn’t widely distributed, since screamers abound.
In my humble opinion, noisy sex kills intensity. Instead, this potentially incredible moment becomes overplayed and insincere, almost a charicature of itself.
I’d far rather have a guy moaning under his breath or gasping and exhaling when I stop to tenderly nibble his shaft’s loose folds of skin in between base-to-tip licks than grunting, “Yeah, baby. Oh. Oh, yeah… God!”
Put a fucking cork in it, buddy. I’m working here. A little respect. Close your eyes. Focus on what it is I’m doing, and concentrate on nothing else. If I can hear you, you’re not in the moment, and I’m wasting my time and skills. Simple.
It’s obvious that a lot of lovers lack either experience or sincerity, and as a result, they overcompensate and let their voices do their talking when their bodies can’t.
Not in my bed. My lovers have always, to a man, converted to my way of thinking in the sack, if they didn’t arrive ready-molded.
Also, they have a very, very clear idea of what I like, and what I am like, before we even hit the bed, because I believe in talking about it before I do it. What I want to do, what I will do, what I want, more than anything, for them to do to me.
It’s not a lecture, it’s a very erotic conversation with examples and fantasies interplaying with handy instructions. And it goes both ways, I assure you. I love to learn about what my lover wants of me, and I try to ensure he receives it.
Naturally, after our conversations, before we even go bump in the night, they realize I’m going to be a very quiet partner, but that the sounds I do make can be taken at face value. And when a “stifled groan” means I’m sinking my teeth dramatically into their shoulder to quiet myself down, as I gutterally groan against their skin, I’m guessing they grasp 2+2.
Without a doubt, they discover within a few encounters exactly how communicative little talking can be, and how intense.
(*In response to comments about the photos: Those who’ve followed from my other blog know me to be an avid photog. Thus, you should know– none of these photos were taken by yours truly, but rather, have all been blatantly stolen from brilliant people who’ve mistakenly let a corrupt bitch like me gain access to their intellectual property on the web.
And for that, I thank them.)