Category Archives: Specifically Steff

And Then The Phone Rang

Got a message from my doctor, apparently my ultrasound’s all clear.
But it doesn’t really ease my mind.
The reality is, I know something’s different. So if that’s not it, what? But I’ve changed so much in my life in the last 18 months, and so much has changed on me, that a starting point for what’s going wrong is not so easy to find, since change isn’t always easy to peg as “right” or “wrong”. Continue reading →

Now What? Waiting.

See my last posting. I know nothing. Knowing nothing will be the status quo for a couple more days possibly.
I have nothing more to really say about it. I know nothing. Que sera sera.
I had an ultrasound. Anything there? I don’t know. When my technician found the ovaries, her demeanour changed. The conversation about my mother’s disease/death unravelled me a little at the start. Continue reading →

My Very Emotional Day

I should be bouncing madly, ready for the Von Bondies to take the stage shortly, but I bailed on my best friend for an evening at home, after a very emotional day.
Please comment, but don’t do the well-meaning “Oh, Steff, you poor thing” stuff, ‘cos that usually gets me worked up and thinking I should be feeling sorry for myself rather than succeeding being strong.

_________________

So, I know it’s a full moon night. I know I’m overtired anyhow. I know my week was daunting the fuck out of me to begin with. I know these things. I’m sure this is nothing. I know THAT, too.
Nonetheless, my mind went spinning a million directions. Tears were had. More than once. And in my open-space office, even. Continue reading →

Keepin' On Keepin' On? Barely.

Today is brought to you in part by “Can’t Give a Shit” and “Hanging On By A Thread”.
I’m at the cusp of snapping. Hosting a dinner party this Saturday is probably the LAST thing my week needs, but that’s where this week is headed. It’ll be a blast of course, but Getting There is the challenge.
I’m workdays and just under three weeks away from about 10 days off, and I’ll be headed out of town for the first time in, oh, say several years. I haven’t been anywhere, really, that hasn’t been on an easy-to-get-to ferry route in about 6 or 7 years. It’s been a fuck of a few years. What can I tell you? Continue reading →

Embracing the Angst

I’m in a bitter mood. I’m sure people would do well to enact a 10-foot radius around me today. Stay back, or be armed. Those are kind of your options for dealing with The Steff today.
It’ll probably die down in a couple hours. But I don’t give a shit. I don’t get bitter very often, and I’m not about to run around panicking because it’s happpened now. We get bitter. Emotions are a wild ride. Fight it at your peril.
Or be like me, and take it lying down. Continue reading →

Hanging Up on Hang-ups

Funny how we get so hung up on our hang-ups we sometimes don’t even notice when they’ve disappeared.*
I was fucking floored Thursday night when I realized the varicose veins I’d been loathing for the last year had suddenly vanished in the last couple months, thanks to my awesome new fitness regime. Poof, gone.
Ironically, I’d already bought some spring clothes last month — and no shorts shorter than knee-length. For what mighta been something that didn’t even need hiding. Silly, silly.
It makes me wonder how often we get stuck in our insecurities, fears, loathings, all out of habit, rather than reality. Is it as bad as we fear? Are we merely choosing to dwell in shadows rather than turn the light on and see what we’re really judging? Continue reading →

Manufacturing Self

Should be rushing out the door, instead I found myself trying on a variety of clothes.
Tonight, the wardrobe-beefing-up continues with a visit to yet another couple department stores. Old Navy and its ilk can wait till the weekend sometime.
I’m still trying to figure out my new image, and new styles I can now wear that I never could before. For instance, did you know I had a waist? I certainly didn’t. I’m getting all hourglassy. The born-again Christians should try their shit on me now, ‘cos right this minute I’m a fuckin’ believer, baby. Continue reading →

A Moment of Smuggery* If You Please

I’ve noticed in the last week or so that my face is changing again, getting more definition. Tonight I went clothes-shopping. My Visa card says “See photo ID” on the back for verification, and now and again people actually ask. So, she looks at it, then looks at me, goes “Wait. Is that even you?”
Continue reading →

Fifteen Long, Long Years

My night last night was powerful. I can’t do it justice, but I’ll try.
For a brief moment, I found myself in tears with one of my best friends as we had, yes, a profound moment over a McDonald’s cheeseburger in Robson Square.* The kind of tears I shed signal the end of something long and hard, a relief no one can understand unless they’ve been there.
My end? It was the first rock concert in about 15 years where I went came home pain-free. Continue reading →